But… Will you still love me, tomorrow?

 

Am I wanting too much? Am I smothering you again? Is this real? Are we really back in this together? Was it too late? Will our souls find each other again? Do you want this? Did you ever want this?

I have a lot of questions that are swarming right now. I want to get lost in US. I want to try to find my way back to you. I don’t want to feel so awkward around you anymore. I don’t know how to be real with you anymore and it scares me. I don’t think I have ever been able to be anything but real with you before and now I try to pretend I’m okay and not struggling to breathe every breath.

I get butterflies when you call me. I get the tingles when I think of the time we were able to spend together today, it literally hit me at the most awkward times today at work but also brought a smile and flutter to the butterflies. I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I can’t stop thinking of the way I feel when I am with you. I can feel you in every cell of my body sometimes, like our souls are colliding, and I can’t believe how much I missed it. I can’t believe how much I have blocked or tried to forget about US.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be a bother to you. I don’t remember what it feels like to know you will be there. I go to sleep every night; well I try to go to sleep every night, wondering if you will be there when I wake up. I wake, with a start each morning feeling the heaviness of your absence in the pit of my stomach, scared to call you for fear that you won’t answer again and that is NOT how I want to start my day.

I want to start it with you, US, the way every day should start, with a love that is unexplainable and extraordinary.

I am fearful that none of my days with start the way they should and that my nights, that are supposed to be filled with US, will be empty and lonely.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

I love you. I can feel the way you love me. I missed laying in your arms, hearts racing, amazing-ness tingling, feeling a love only US can.

I’m trying not to fight the happy. I’m trying not to fight the good that is tingling through me right now. I’m trying to let the sparkle that has awaken my soul wrap around me without fighting to break free from it. I want to believe that today was real. I want to believe that today wasn’t full of fake, that it wasn’t just your way of ‘shutting’ me up. I want to believe that you wanted needed today as much as I did.

When you are gone it is so hard to let US win the battle. It is so difficult to ignore the racing thoughts that fill the silence. It would help if I didn’t feel like it is a chore for you to spend time with me now. I hate that I feel like I make you spend time with me. I miss when US just was. When the only thing we had to work at was keeping the Amazing to a minimum because the butterflies and breath stealing was too much at times. What an idiot I was to not enjoy every second of Amazing that US shared. Why did I not just shut up and let the fingers wrap around me and swallow me with the tingle and sparkle that only US can produce?

Because I am a fool. Because the two little souls that own my world are worth more than my happiness, so I will stay here, half-happy, half-feeling, half-living, half-alive, with the saddest eyes and a smile only I could fake, without you.

I can only wish that you will be here with me, holding me, loving me, for always.

I love you.

Thank you for today. Thank you for last night. Thank you for not giving up on US. Thank you for making me feel a love like I have never before. Thank you for touching my soul.

I missed you. I hope you are here to stay.

I love you.

An early morning Miss List.

I have so much to say and yet nothing to type. I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know why I am always able to ‘write’ at the worst times. When I have some time to myself to do what I want, which happens to be write, I cant because my mind is racing in so many directions right now. Perhaps I should take a minute and be right back….

Mission accomplished and a Jason Mraz song to welcome me back? Gee, don’t I feel lucky.

I don’t know what to say now, of course. Or maybe its not that I don’t know WHAT to say but more of I don’t know HOW to say it. Not that there is one ‘it’ too say but you get what I mean right? No? Good. Me neither.

I want to say that I miss you. But I really miss US. I miss the way I could feel US, the way I could feel US in my soul. I miss the way you touched a part of me that I don’t recall ever being ‘touched’ before. A part of me that I didn’t even know existed until US showed me.

I miss the way I could fall asleep in seconds and how I felt safe. I miss NOT waking with cheeks wet from tears. I miss the way you could sense when I needed and what I needed before I ever did. I miss the laughs. I miss the love. I miss the caring. I miss the fun. I miss getting to be me.

I miss having someone who shows me how much they care about me. I miss feeling loved, feeling cared about. I miss late nights and early mornings. I miss middle of the night showers. I miss kissed away tears. I miss Casper whispers. I miss hours slipping by unnoticed. I miss Iron Man masks. I miss headsets and killionaires. I miss recipe swapping.

I miss not feeling guilty. I miss not missing you.

I miss butterflies. I miss tingles. I miss goosies. I miss heart fluttering, breath taking moments. I miss the sparkle.

I miss everything about you. I miss too much. This could go on forever I think.

I hope your Miss List is shorter than mine. Better yet… I hope you don’t even have a fucking Miss List.

I’m sorry.