Same hurt… Different day.

Dear Universe,

I can only get so far into our story before the emotions take over and the hurt makes it too hard to continue. I always have great intentions of sitting down and getting out as much of the crazy as possible but I usually fall so deep down the rabbit hole so quickly that before I know it there’s too much sadness to see through and it is just too difficult to go on.

I am always shocked and surprised how long the hurt sticks around. Also how time is not your friend in any way during the ‘first’s’ of any heart ache. Time is supposed heal but all it does is remind how long it has been since I have talked to Him, touched Him, heard from Him… every fucking thing….

I slept in his shirt for two and a half weeks, straight, in the beginning… It was the only was I was able to sleep. I’d pull my legs up into the bottom and take my arms out of the sleeves and basically just wrap myself in Him… I can’t find that shirt now….I have shoved it into the back if my closet at a lame attempt to forget Him. Which is funny now because there was a time that I literally had a panic attack looking for that shirt, I couldn’t sleep without it remember.. pathetic.. I know…

It’s harder the longer it goes. I want to drown myself in memories of you but instead find myself hiding from any sign of you. I found a video of you telling me goodnight, you love me… I’ve watched it until my eyes have nothing left to cry… I’ve also found long lost voicemails from you but I have yet had the courage to listen to any of them. I can’t.

The only time I’m not physically thinking of Him is when the activity I am engaged in requires thought or when I make myself not think of Him. Oh… and in my dreams. I can’t find him anywhere in them and that is terrifying in a whole new way.

I haven’t talked much about our connection but holy banana pancakes it is something I hope everyone gets to experience in their life! I have never been more connected with any other being ( except for the 4 kiddos I grew inside of me but that’s a whole different connection) before. I sound crazy when I say that my soul connected with his but it did. It was like our souls have always known each other and we were just the vessels that finally brought them back together. When I say that I felt Him I did so in a way that is indescribable unless you’ve experienced yourself.

During our relationship when we were in a not good place I could feel it in my being. My soul would ache if He did something and there was no way of me knowing, other than the fact that I could feel that something was not right with us. And when we were good.. well, I could feel that in my soul too. I could always “feel” him, we were always connected. But now it’s a different story..

I actually look for him in my dreams. It’s almost scary how I can’t feel. him at all anymore. Especially in my dreams. And then after a long night of seething my dreams for him I wake up in the night with tears streaming down my face terrified that He won’t be there when I open my eyes… and he’s not.

And then I am quickly reminded of the last few times I was able to doze in his arms, 1 of my favorite spots in this universe… I fit there, perfectly. But that only makes me feel worse… I wont be in those arms again. Never again will I jolt awake from a nightmare to be soothed by Him, his eyes filled with love, his lips full of tender kisses, shushing me back to sleep… those days are gone.

I spend more time than I’d like to admit wondering if He thinks of me. Do I cross his mind? Do small, stupid things remind Him of me? Does He regret walking away from me? Does He wish he would have walked away a long time ago? Will I ever stop loving Him?

I used to tell Him that if anything were to happen and our happily ever after didn’t come that I didn’t want to remain friends with him. I had more than a few freak outs where I was more than adamant that I could and would never be a friend to him if we weren’t an item. I was so wrong. I know that right now is way too soon to try to be anything but I know that someday I hope that we can be something. But could we? I don’t think I could ever look at Him the same way again.

I am always so proud of myself when I have made it through another bout of weakness to reach out to you. Like I deserve a reward of some sort. Like I have proved to you that I can restrain the crazy and not contact you, so now you can just come back.

Every day/hour/minute/second that goes by that I don’t reach out to Him means nothing. It only means time. I keep hoping that I have gone long enough and He misses me too much and that He will just call me. I just want to know how long is long enough? like how long do I have to go before He gives in? And then it hits me… there is no end to this game.

The end has come and gone.

Game over.

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I’m so sad without you I don’t want to go on anymore… and I’m sick of pretending I do.

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How are you surviving without me?

Oh, that’s right, you’re in love with someone else and haven’t loved me for months now.

Omg…

I’ll never stop loving you.

This too shall pass… this too shall pass…

My Drafts Folder was overflowing… So posting everything possible into one seemed fitting. Sorry it’s a long one.

silence and tears

 

Starting with the following these are all the drafts that I have left of US, that are post worthy some are just a touch too personal.

Here goes nothing…

A Soul Most Vulnerable…

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

Not Titled….

It’s 11:11 and I’ve pretty much made it thru the day. Only the loneliest of times are left now until the sunrise and we fake it all again.

Oh how I miss my wishes from when life was filled with us.

Now I’m just wishing to make it to the next breath…

Well, that and a case of amnesia so I can forget everything US and not hurt so fucking bad.

I’m sure you’re doing just fine, as usual.

You have the legs of a ballerina… And other beautiful moments that got me through this hell like day.

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

 

 

One of my last of 2012… Oh, why didn’t the World just end.

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Oh my, what to write today? Christmas is over. Finally. There are only a few more days left in this year and I’m pretty excited about that. Next year has to be better than this year was right? I don’t think I will make it through another year like this. I know I won’t.
Will next year be the year of US? Or the end if US?
I am almost too afraid to find out.
Days without you are empty. Nights without you are neverending. The few times I’ve been able to sleep with you have been amazing. I’m often scared to spend time with you when the works is dark and silent, it seems so much easier for your love to find it’s way in at those times. I’ve been lucky tho because usually you are so exhausted that you and your amazingness fall asleep before me so I don’t have to fight it for long.
Why is it that everything is so much easier in the night?
I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry.
I’m yours.

Mission Push Moon Away: Complete – insert broken heart/soul/being here… I’m sorry, I want you back. I’m yours forever.

I have always heard be careful what you wish for. I should have been told be careful when you PUSH…

I know that I was trying to push you away. I know that I said to leave me alone, that I wanted to be ME but I was wrong. I found who I want to be. And it is US. I want to be US. I have never wanted anything so bad before.

And it’s too late.

I pushed too hard.

I let too much crazy out.

And now I have to try to pick myself up off the floor, literally sometimes, and try to rebuild my broken soul.

I can do. I WILL do it.

I just don’t fucking want too.

I want you to pick me up, dust me off, kiss me, hold me, love me, fuck me, and never leave me again…

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.