Same hurt… Different day.

Dear Universe,

I can only get so far into our story before the emotions take over and the hurt makes it too hard to continue. I always have great intentions of sitting down and getting out as much of the crazy as possible but I usually fall so deep down the rabbit hole so quickly that before I know it there’s too much sadness to see through and it is just too difficult to go on.

I am always shocked and surprised how long the hurt sticks around. Also how time is not your friend in any way during the ‘first’s’ of any heart ache. Time is supposed heal but all it does is remind how long it has been since I have talked to Him, touched Him, heard from Him… every fucking thing….

I slept in his shirt for two and a half weeks, straight, in the beginning… It was the only was I was able to sleep. I’d pull my legs up into the bottom and take my arms out of the sleeves and basically just wrap myself in Him… I can’t find that shirt now….I have shoved it into the back if my closet at a lame attempt to forget Him. Which is funny now because there was a time that I literally had a panic attack looking for that shirt, I couldn’t sleep without it remember.. pathetic.. I know…

It’s harder the longer it goes. I want to drown myself in memories of you but instead find myself hiding from any sign of you. I found a video of you telling me goodnight, you love me… I’ve watched it until my eyes have nothing left to cry… I’ve also found long lost voicemails from you but I have yet had the courage to listen to any of them. I can’t.

The only time I’m not physically thinking of Him is when the activity I am engaged in requires thought or when I make myself not think of Him. Oh… and in my dreams. I can’t find him anywhere in them and that is terrifying in a whole new way.

I haven’t talked much about our connection but holy banana pancakes it is something I hope everyone gets to experience in their life! I have never been more connected with any other being ( except for the 4 kiddos I grew inside of me but that’s a whole different connection) before. I sound crazy when I say that my soul connected with his but it did. It was like our souls have always known each other and we were just the vessels that finally brought them back together. When I say that I felt Him I did so in a way that is indescribable unless you’ve experienced yourself.

During our relationship when we were in a not good place I could feel it in my being. My soul would ache if He did something and there was no way of me knowing, other than the fact that I could feel that something was not right with us. And when we were good.. well, I could feel that in my soul too. I could always “feel” him, we were always connected. But now it’s a different story..

I actually look for him in my dreams. It’s almost scary how I can’t feel. him at all anymore. Especially in my dreams. And then after a long night of seething my dreams for him I wake up in the night with tears streaming down my face terrified that He won’t be there when I open my eyes… and he’s not.

And then I am quickly reminded of the last few times I was able to doze in his arms, 1 of my favorite spots in this universe… I fit there, perfectly. But that only makes me feel worse… I wont be in those arms again. Never again will I jolt awake from a nightmare to be soothed by Him, his eyes filled with love, his lips full of tender kisses, shushing me back to sleep… those days are gone.

I spend more time than I’d like to admit wondering if He thinks of me. Do I cross his mind? Do small, stupid things remind Him of me? Does He regret walking away from me? Does He wish he would have walked away a long time ago? Will I ever stop loving Him?

I used to tell Him that if anything were to happen and our happily ever after didn’t come that I didn’t want to remain friends with him. I had more than a few freak outs where I was more than adamant that I could and would never be a friend to him if we weren’t an item. I was so wrong. I know that right now is way too soon to try to be anything but I know that someday I hope that we can be something. But could we? I don’t think I could ever look at Him the same way again.

I am always so proud of myself when I have made it through another bout of weakness to reach out to you. Like I deserve a reward of some sort. Like I have proved to you that I can restrain the crazy and not contact you, so now you can just come back.

Every day/hour/minute/second that goes by that I don’t reach out to Him means nothing. It only means time. I keep hoping that I have gone long enough and He misses me too much and that He will just call me. I just want to know how long is long enough? like how long do I have to go before He gives in? And then it hits me… there is no end to this game.

The end has come and gone.

Game over.

Guess who’s wide awake and has to be at work in 6 hours? Yup, Me can you say…

I miss you.

I love you.

I wish I was snuggled in your love, fast asleep.

I’m yours.

Ok, last one for the night… I think. #delirousrightnow

Kinda hoping this is why I’m awake…

I’m sorry.

An early morning Miss List.

I have so much to say and yet nothing to type. I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know why I am always able to ‘write’ at the worst times. When I have some time to myself to do what I want, which happens to be write, I cant because my mind is racing in so many directions right now. Perhaps I should take a minute and be right back….

Mission accomplished and a Jason Mraz song to welcome me back? Gee, don’t I feel lucky.

I don’t know what to say now, of course. Or maybe its not that I don’t know WHAT to say but more of I don’t know HOW to say it. Not that there is one ‘it’ too say but you get what I mean right? No? Good. Me neither.

I want to say that I miss you. But I really miss US. I miss the way I could feel US, the way I could feel US in my soul. I miss the way you touched a part of me that I don’t recall ever being ‘touched’ before. A part of me that I didn’t even know existed until US showed me.

I miss the way I could fall asleep in seconds and how I felt safe. I miss NOT waking with cheeks wet from tears. I miss the way you could sense when I needed and what I needed before I ever did. I miss the laughs. I miss the love. I miss the caring. I miss the fun. I miss getting to be me.

I miss having someone who shows me how much they care about me. I miss feeling loved, feeling cared about. I miss late nights and early mornings. I miss middle of the night showers. I miss kissed away tears. I miss Casper whispers. I miss hours slipping by unnoticed. I miss Iron Man masks. I miss headsets and killionaires. I miss recipe swapping.

I miss not feeling guilty. I miss not missing you.

I miss butterflies. I miss tingles. I miss goosies. I miss heart fluttering, breath taking moments. I miss the sparkle.

I miss everything about you. I miss too much. This could go on forever I think.

I hope your Miss List is shorter than mine. Better yet… I hope you don’t even have a fucking Miss List.

I’m sorry.

The reason I can’t sleep is because…

I love you. I miss you….