I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

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Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

If the love you share is mad, passionate, crazy, unforgettable, eternal & comes from the depths of your soul and HE WALKS AWAY… Then He never meant a thing he said and you’re better off without him!

promote love

I was going to continue to write here but I am not.

I don’t feel better when I write to you anymore and really I don’t have anything left to say to you.

Or your EX WIFE who decided to stalk me down and read this (and I’m the crazy, psycho right?).

You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

I will walk away with my head held high and only take the good that I got out of US because, no matter what anyone wants to think or thinks that they know, we made so much good!

You showed me that even though you were a phony/fake/lying/cheating lover, I am able to love from the depths of my soul with a love that is everlasting.

I know that I can allow someone in and see the deepest darkest parts of me.

I have learned through all of this that the love I felt and the amazingness that was made, came from my soul, the depths of my soul, which means I can feel all of these things again.

I just have to find someone worthy of the love that I have to offer.

And you are not that person.

But I am learning now, quicker than ever, that all of the good things that you said I had other people see in me as well and they voice them to me. Maybe they have been saying them the whole time but I have been so deafened by our love that I didn’t hear them.

But I am hearing them loud and clear now.

And I am trying my hardest to not brush them off or shush them but to take each one with a smile and a thank you instead.

Oh, and I did want to give you one more THANK YOU for calling/texting/sexting and video messaging the other night and then leaving with a FUCK YOU again after figuring out you weren’t getting anything.

Mucho appreciated!!

How nice for you to waltz back in for only sixty-ish minutes, because I am sure that either that little girl or someone else became available that was more important than me, and pretend to care and love and miss me telling me how much you do but then immediately switch to a fuck you, you’re done?!

You make me laugh!

You don’t have the option of being done!

Because you never had another chance my dear!

I meant it when I said I will love and care about you forever!

I truly will from the depths of my broken, but healing,  soul.

But I will love myself just as fucking much.

And I will NOT  allow myself to be surrounded by people who are neither honest or sincere, people who lie, cheat, and treat me with no respect, who are cold-hearted and soul-less, who tell me one thing to my face while telling some little kid/EX-Wife/friends that I meant nothing to you and were nothing but just some chick you used to date, that I am crazy and won’t leave you alone and keep blowing up your phone (has your phone rang or have you received a text from me in weeks? Didn’t think so, with the exception of the EX incident) while never telling them that you have been filling me full of bullshit lies and texts/emails/voicemails/video messages/love sessions begging me not to give up that you loved and wanted me blah blah blah…

You were all of those things to me.

I had to revise the ending and remove my snarky comments to your EX, just in case she decides to come back and take a peak, because I realized that bitch has no place here and never will.

How fitting that this song just came on Pandora while I’m posting my final goodbye…

In all the world… there is no better heart for me like yours.

In all the world… there is no better love you for like mine.

~Maya Angelou

I’ve decided breathing is overrated… Oh, and I Darla’d you to death.

can i ask you something

 

So much has gone on recently.

My drafts folder is full.

I don’t post my crazy or hurt here anymore.

I’m convinced you don’t care anyway.

All my posts do now is show you how pathetic I am without you. You get to see how fucking in love I am with you and how alone I am without you.

I can’t stop thinking about a whole fucking lifetime without you.

I can’t breathe when I think about it so I try to avoid it at all costs but there is always something that makes me think of you. Always. I’m pretty sure I could survive in the highest of altitudes at this point due to how well I can maintain on less and less.

I think I loved you too much.

Can you believe that?

I am like the crazy little redheaded girl in Finding Nemo, Darla?!

I fucking loved you too much and it pushed you away.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what to say. I have never felt a love like ours before. I have never before been so consumed by something that I felt like I should fight with my everything to keep it.

It’s scary.

It’s pathetic.

To call what I have for you love is not even really doing it justice. It is so much more than love. I feel like I love you with a part of me that is indescribable. I feel like you are my soul. I feel like my soul was made from your soul. I feel like our souls are one and the same.

I was so convinced you felt it too.

I was willing to give anything for it.

And this my friends is why I don’t post anymore and I leave them all in the drafts folder. Because it doesn’t matter. No one cares. I have to spend a lifetime thinking about something that made me feel so alive while it slowly kills me…

How fucking unfair is that?

What kind of a life is that? Is the quality of that life worth living?

If I’m silent on here I just might be tweeting it up on Twitter… Because that’s how I tweet, I mean roll.

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Sometimes I find it easier to just post small snippets of my crazy when I am hurt/sad/mad/angry/happy/broke/hysterical etc.

I don’t always have a blog full of crazy to get out.

Sometimes it can be done in 139 characters or less.

Sometimes.

#toosadtowrite #missyou #thinkimgoingcrazy #areyouwithsomeone #insomnia #thisishowishouldtitlemyblogs

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Pretty sure I’m going crazy. The one night I think I could write there is no internet and writing on my phone sucks.

I hate when you don’t answer. I’m convinced you’re with someone else.
#welcometomycrazyhead #willthisgoawayever #needyoutosleep

Think I’m ending this now.

Night.

I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

Thanks for ignoring my calls tonight… I knew all this LOVE was bullshit.

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Oh my if I didn’t know where to begin before than I am really fucked now. Where do I even start with the last 2 weeks? We went from the depths of sadness into the loving arms of US in zeropointstupid seconds and my head is still spinning from it.

It is so hard to even imagine the last few weeks and the emotions and drama that have come with it. Tonight we will talk about the crazy. And whatever else pops out.

There is NO WAY for me to stop the pictures and images of you two in my head. I can’t stop it no matter what I try to do. And it always comes at the worst times. I am better at hiding it from you now, sometimes, especially when we are in the throes of intimacy and I am feeling more amazing than ever in places I never thought possible and BAM I imagine you doing these things to her, saying these things to her, using your mouth on her, her making you feel the way I make you feel, and that is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I mean, seriously, it has to be the biggest freaking moodsucker that I have ever encountered, and I have two kids under the age of 10 so I know all about moodsuckers. Not to mention how fucking hard it is to not just burst out and ask you questions and drill you on every emotion and thought that you have ever had about her because I seriously want to. I want to ask you and know every little tiny detail, even though I know it will kill me, and I don’t know why.

I mean the first words out of my mouth last night after I could breathe again were, ‘ Did you use a condom with her?’

Seriously?!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I just stop thinking about her and you?

Because it went on for MONTHS behind my back. And I am sure the tiny bit that I do know about is just that, a tiny fucking bit, and that there are so many more things that I don’t want to know.  But how do I tell my mind that? How do I make my craziness believe that I don’t want to know?

And speaking of believe. Don’t even get me started on how much I DON’T believe in this undying love bullshit. I know you tell me everyday. You look, actually look, into my eyes and tell me that you are mine, heart/body/soul and I don’t believe a freaking word of it.

I’m sorry.

I can’t stop the horror film that is stuck on repeat in my mind… Help me. Please.

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I’m scared to write. I’m scared to do much of anything really except cry; bitch, whine, and fucking lose it.

We have spent more time together, since (Insert skin-crawling/spine-tingling/vomit inducing… you get the picture I’m painting right?), than we have in weeks, maybe months, and I don’t know how to process it. I know that you say you want to fix US and you are not giving up and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… but I don’t believe it. I hear it. I hear you say everything. I just don’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust you.

I am pretty sure that I have wrote almost the same post some time ago about the same fucking thing just a different fucking story. You probably did some fucked up thing, like disappear (now I know it was with her) and I swore up and down that I was never going to let you do this to me again, that I was never going to feel the pain and hurt that I was feeling.

But here we are.

I’m in pain. I hurt like I don’t remember hurting. In places I didn’t even think possible to hurt in. The tears that I have cried have came from a place deep in my soul. I’m so scared to allow myself to feel that pain again. I have completely shut down.

You on the other hand have not. You are in full force. You are shoving your love down my throat like a crazed spoon-feeding mother.

Is it bad if I don’t believe? Is it horrible if I kinda cringe at the sound of it? Is it terrible if I imagine you saying the same words to her, with the same mouth that did god knows what to/with her, while doing nothing with me but filling me full of lies and deceit?

I feel like I am being a whiney bitch and I am not sorry about it at all. I don’t think that I have really been able to process how I feel really, well other than broken/shattered/crushed/unwanted/unloved/lied to/cheated on/pissed the fuck off…

Okay, apparently writing was not the thing to do right now. I just might possibly be moving to the anger stage but I don’t know.

I will try again later I guess.