No title. I tried, really I did.

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Can’t sleep.

Opened the door from my bedroom to go outside trying to escape.

But there’s no escaping you.

The moon is shining so bright on me I’m almost lit up.

I wanted to cry but I grabbed my phone instead and snapped the picture I posted above.

I stood there until it slowly crept out of sight.

Trying to sleep now before the sun rises.

You said I shouldn’t give up but it seems like you already did.

Why am I not giving up?

http:// http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

No jazzy title tonight… only tears my friends

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I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so sick of missing you. I’m so confused about so many things. You were are my soul mate. You were supposed to be my forever. But just because our forever didn’t work doesn’t take away you being my soul mate.
And that is super shitty…
How do you make your soul forget about it’s mate, the reason for its being… it’s impossible.
I go through the day with a feeling of loss in the pit of me. There is not a second that goes by that isn’t a struggle to breathe. Nothing I try to tell myself helps. Nothing can take away the memories of US that linger.
And it sucks.
I’m exhausted. I’m tired of hurting.
I’m struggling to survive. I’m trying to breathe. I’m hoping to let go, like you did. I want to know how you do it, how did you forget about US so easily? Please, please let me in on your secret. Help me ease the ache my bones feel from the loss of you. Convince me that the huge, gaping, black hole that you left behind can be fixed.
Because the only fix I can think of is you. And it’s obvious that’s no longer an option…

Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

I can’t stop the horror film that is stuck on repeat in my mind… Help me. Please.

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I’m scared to write. I’m scared to do much of anything really except cry; bitch, whine, and fucking lose it.

We have spent more time together, since (Insert skin-crawling/spine-tingling/vomit inducing… you get the picture I’m painting right?), than we have in weeks, maybe months, and I don’t know how to process it. I know that you say you want to fix US and you are not giving up and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… but I don’t believe it. I hear it. I hear you say everything. I just don’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust you.

I am pretty sure that I have wrote almost the same post some time ago about the same fucking thing just a different fucking story. You probably did some fucked up thing, like disappear (now I know it was with her) and I swore up and down that I was never going to let you do this to me again, that I was never going to feel the pain and hurt that I was feeling.

But here we are.

I’m in pain. I hurt like I don’t remember hurting. In places I didn’t even think possible to hurt in. The tears that I have cried have came from a place deep in my soul. I’m so scared to allow myself to feel that pain again. I have completely shut down.

You on the other hand have not. You are in full force. You are shoving your love down my throat like a crazed spoon-feeding mother.

Is it bad if I don’t believe? Is it horrible if I kinda cringe at the sound of it? Is it terrible if I imagine you saying the same words to her, with the same mouth that did god knows what to/with her, while doing nothing with me but filling me full of lies and deceit?

I feel like I am being a whiney bitch and I am not sorry about it at all. I don’t think that I have really been able to process how I feel really, well other than broken/shattered/crushed/unwanted/unloved/lied to/cheated on/pissed the fuck off…

Okay, apparently writing was not the thing to do right now. I just might possibly be moving to the anger stage but I don’t know.

I will try again later I guess.

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

Why does Silence have to scream so loud? I miss you.

Another day. I made it through most of it so far. Now we have the silence of night to get through and that pretty much fucking sucks. I hate the night. Sad, because I have always found comfort in the dark, star filled, moon bright, silent, nights. I used to love to lay in the darkness and find comfort in the silence. Now I avoid silence like the plague. I always have the lights on, or the TV or both, the laptop is ALWAYS open, usually with music playing, even if the TV is on because it is almost always muted I just need the added light (:  energy waster right here. Have I told you how many times I dry the clothes in my dryer? I might have a problem. I have this thing now where I have to have the dryer going when I fall asleep at night so the clothes usually get about 3 or 4 cycles before I fall asleep, sorry ‘bout that but this is my reality now. I have to have some sort of something going on to distract me because if I don’t then it is too hard to keep the darkness at bay. With all of the music and noise and Target commercial on Pandora I am pretty distracted. Blackness is a slippery slope. I think it almost won. It still might. But I will continue to fight it as long as I have to.

I miss you. I want to talk to you so bad right now. I had to stop myself from walking straight to the phone to call you when I walked in tonight. I literally had to talk myself out of it in my head. No, you can’t hold the phone and make the bed, just get all your shit done and ready for bed and then call. No, don’t call yet he might still be working and you don’t really want to bug him at work do you? No, don’t text him because he hasn’t sent anything since 3 so he must be really busy just wait a bit longer. Is this fucking for real? Yes, sadly it is. This is actual fucking dialogue that plays in my head.

But I waited. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I distracted, distracted, distracted until finally you sent a text saying you were hanging out. And you want to know something sad I was crushed and relieved at the same time. It is getting so hard to not get lost in you, your words, your whispers, your love but if you are ‘out’ then there is no way I can get lost in it and that crushes me because getting lost in US is amazing…

Well, I guess I am off to find something else to distract me with because the longer I sit here the more I want to message you. I want to tell you that I miss you so much that it takes my breath away sometimes. I want to ask you to go home so that I can lay with you. I want to cry. Probably will.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.