A thunderstorm, flash rainstorm, and a twirl in the pouring down rain… Now that’s the way to start my day.

The thunder woke me up this morning. It didn’t do anything but thunder for over an hour. Then the rain hit and I had to go out in it. I love the rain. I especially love the rain that drenches everything in seconds with it’s bigger than life drops.

Funny how a rainstorm would start my day off on a brighter note.

I’m going to spend this crazy, messed up, 85 degrees weekend, dancing in the fucking rain from this never ending raincloud that won’t stop following me. I am going to try my hardest to not give in to the sadness and hurt I feel.

I’m sorry.

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…


I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….


OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 


Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤



I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:


I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .


I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤


A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .



Baby you make me wanna say….


I miss you. Music makes the time past a little bit faster… a tiny bit maybe. That and I am gonna paint my fingernails (:

I love you. I miss you. I want NEED you here….

PS. It snowed for a few minutes. they were big, wet, sloppy, flakes and it warmed my soul for a few minutes.



A much needed reset.

Oh my where to begin? Today This afternoon was A M A Z I N G. It was exactly what I, we, US needed. It has been so long since we have had any real time together that I almost forgot how at peace I am with you. I wish I wouldn’t have had that thing to do tonight because I could have easily fallen asleep and probably stayed asleep for the night with you. I haven’t slept, really slept, in so long now. I spend much of the night tossing, turning, crying, and trying to silence the craziness in my head. I never truly have a peaceful sleep anymore. That will hopefully all change tonight (:

I want to write so much more. I want to tell you how absolutely beautiful you made today for me. I want to tell you how much I missed the tingle that you give me. I forgot how you make me FEEL everything. Today, laying with you I felt almost like I was plugged into an outlet and the electricity was flowing through me but it wasn’t electricity or an outlet that I was plugged into it was US finding each other again. The tingle was our souls finally being able to settle. I sometimes think that there is an invisible string tied from her to your words and I find your words often tugging gently on her while you steal the breath from me over and over again. Never has someone taken my breath so often or for so long. Usually the breath taking moments are few and far between but I find myself experiencing them several times a day an hour with you.

I missed you so much. I was so good at faking it and fooling everyone I made myself believe that I was better without you. I was wrong. So wrong. There is no me anymore, only US. I have never been good with faking it with you. right now, I’m thinking that is a good thing (:

Thank you for letting me be me, even if it is crazier than you deserve. I love you. I miss you. I’m coming to snuggle right now ………….

What happens when I don’t get to write. Sorry….

Hey my Moon, it’s been awhile, on here anyways. I thought that if I ended going on the trip I would be spending it just having me time and writing while listening to the waves crash into the shore, like the thoughts that were storming in my head. Obviously that did not happen due to events that happened before I left that nearly broke me and if I hadn’t already had this trip booked I would have not had anyplace to end up because I was definitely getting in the car and leaving after what took place.

Where do I begin with this much needed girls weekend adventure? I think I may have written before of how I didn’t know if I would be going or not on the trip. I drug my feet until the last possible minute and even talked to one of my Chickie’s Sunday morning and tried to talk way out of it with there may not be enough room and blah blah blah, she was not having it, thank gosh, and told me to get up and ready we were leaving shortly. Then ‘that’ happened and I couldn’t pack fast enough. I packed my small suitcase, grabbed my makeup bag and other needed toiletries, through this in the backpack, grabbed my pillow and 3 bottles of wine and 2 coconut waters and left. I think I have left the house with more stuff for a play date and I was planning on being gone until Wednesday but I needed to leave. Saturday was already bad and I was on the breaking point then, Sunday threw me over the top.

I picked up J and baby K and we stopped by D’s to load up her, T and S, and away we were. An all girls trip to the ocean for 3 WHOLE nights with no boys and no kids, with the exception of baby K who was a JOY to have because she is a wee tiny one with precious baby smiles and MUCH needed baby snuggles AND she didn’t even cry once! Just a few fusses for some milk (: I made record time and we pulled in just after sunset and loaded up the condo with all of our girly weekend items. I noticed right away that the ‘me’ time I was planning was not going to be taking place. There were just too many of us and too much to do and chat about to spend anytime on here spilling out my deepest darkest thoughts, they had to stay locked away and really I think it best for now. I don’t want to give you super long play by play and bore you my love but I will say we spent Monday shopping and then off to the beach for sunset and it was B E A U T I F U L, everything I needed, wonderful Chickie’s that love me, a baby girl that warms my heart, a orange and pink and purple sunset on the ocean and You, my love in my soul. I could feel you wrapped around me like a cozy, snuggly blanket and everything felt right. No matter what happened before or after right then, I was going to be okay and I knew it because of you and your love for me, for US.

We were chatting on Tuesday after lunch about how nice it would be to just stay at the ocean and not have to go back, well, one joke led to another which eventually led to me calling our condo crew and extending the stay at our condo until Friday. I couldn’t believe it. I have never done something so spur of the moment like that before. I didn’t call to ask permission, I didn’t have to beg and barter for ‘more time’, I just did it and so did the other 2 Lovies that stayed (: Baby K, J, and S had to leave on Tuesday anyways so it was just D and T who stayed with me and it was GREAT. I spent ALL of Tuesday in my jammies on the deck listening and watching the waves crash into the jetty. It was magical. I loved every second of it. It was just what I needed. To be able to let the ocean be angry for once as it beat at the jetty with its waves. The clouds started to roll in on Tuesday evening and it was calming to see. It was how I felt, gloomy, grey, windy, and it settled me. The rain followed and it was calming at times to listen to hit the skylight above the bed. Thursday was the day that was the hardest and most rewarding for me. We decided to trek out to the point to see the Snowy Owls that have nested there. It was a windy, rainy, my kind of beautiful, day on the ocean. We all dressed in all of our waterproof ocean attire, which included my Rocking ROckstar Ronan purple star ring, purple ear muffs, and RO purple boot socks (: and we started our trek to the point. It took us 45 minutes to reach the owls and it was worth every second. They are beautiful creatures. They are majestic as they soar through the air. I don’t believe you have truly experienced seeing a bird soar unless you are in the open air and they are freely soaring about and it is so calming. We snapped a few pics with the small camera we had and then it was off to beach walking, my all time favorite. We spent the next 4 ½ hours walking the shore and looking for agates and rocks and it was the most calming and challenging thing I have done in a long time. Now it may not seem like much to some but let me tell you that while I was mostly dry the wind was still pretty cold at times and I didn’t sit down or stop moving the whole time. It felt so good. I loved the burn in my legs from walking on the sand and rocks for so long. I loved the sting of the rain on my cold fingers as I picked up rocks, shells, agates and whatever else caught my eye. There were times when it was raining that I had no idea because I was so lost in the sea. I went hours without saying a word just staring at the water and waves. My whole body felt the workout that the beach gave me and I am so sad that I won’t be able to feel it again for awhile. If I lived closer I would be on the beach daily, she calms my soul. I ended the trip with the most A M A Z I N G soak in the huge 2 person jetted tub under the sky light with candles all around. I have not been that relaxed and at ease in FOREVER and it was just what I needed. And of course you know how much enjoyment you added to it too (: I love you, you make me feel like a silly in love teenager and it is wonderful.

I know that I said that I wasn’t going to give a boring play by play but it has been so long since I was able to sit and write and I feel so calm still and I really wanted to get this out.

I shut out everyone from ‘reality’ this girls WEEK (: everyone but you. You wouldn’t have let me shut you out if I would have tried but I was happy not trying at all (: you made sure I knew that you were ‘there’ with me, that you weren’t going to run away, that there was no ‘push’ I could give you that was big enough to make you leave, while at the same time giving me the space and time I needed with the Chickies. Again you proved to be amazing and I love you.

I have been asked several times since if I had fun, I kind of laugh at this a bit because don’t get me wrong I definitely enjoyed myself but this trip was not about fun. It was about getting away before bad things, really bad things, happened. I don’t know yet it if worked but I know that I love you more than ever. I know that you again proved that your love for me is not something I want to live without anymore. Thank you for not letting my pushes stop your love or the way you believe in US.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I need you. I miss you. I am so thankful for you…

Damon Point beach

What happens when I don’t get to write for a few days. Sorry…

I get the tingles in a silly place…..


You make me smile please stay for a while now just take your time….

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

You know how I love to dance in the rain…

Its raining so hard out that it’s hitting the windows like waves crashing into the shore. I love it. It reminds me of you in some odd way. I have my music playing in the background and I’m holding onto our conversations of today and last night. I’m going to lay here and listen to the storm and think of you. I miss you. I believe…

Good night my Moon… Rawr <333 

Whatever our SOULS are made of, HIS and MINE are the SAME…

I have been quiet lately. Scared to put my thoughts into words because that would make them REAL and they couldn’t possibly be real. So instead, I choose to express myself thru YouTube videos (:

Expressing my PAIN thru music makes sense to me. I am a music LOVER (:  I would burst into song randomly ALL day long and you would never complain. You know this & loved me anyways. Cuz that’s the kind of guy you  were. You would never complain, you would simply tell me you loved me & how amazing I was.

Do you know how hard it is to NEVER hear you say it anymore?

I would always try to stop you from saying it. I would blah, blah, blah over you to try to stop you from saying ‘it’. Do you know what I would give to hear it again? To just snuggle in and ‘listen’ to you forever? Of course, I would prefer that the BULLSHIT you fed me were actually TRUE and not just the empty rubbish that was flying out of your mouth.

OOooops my anger got the better of me there. Welcome to my world… the world of Highs and Lows.. mostly lows but I’m working on it (:

I’m so TIRED!! I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in a row in what feels like WEEKS now. Sleep…. now that is something that I miss almost as much as you, almost. I used to sleep so well. Never was sleeping an issue for me. The real issue for me was waking up (:

I started this post late last night as I was again struggling with my sadness. I gave up and decided to just post a YouTube video about how I felt (:

It’s the WITCHING hour around here. 8pm like clockwork my pulse starts to race, the butterflies come back with there nonstop fluttering, it’s hard to take a full breath (like that is anything new), and the CRAZY thoughts start taking over as I try to talk myself off the ledge.

Will I hear from you tonight?

 Will tonight be the night you decide its just tooooo HARD to live your life without me?

Sadly for my ❤ & SANITY, that night has yet to come. I drive myself nutty thinking of what you are doing throughout the day and night. I wonder if your day is brought to a standstill at times because the pain of me not being there is too much to handle, much like my EVERYday now in this life where I am trying to still convince myself you REALLY did exist and I didn’t just imagine your LOVE. I am still struggling with this, and it has become the THOUGHT that has taken over my waking moments.


You couldn’t be REAL? because if you were how would you EVER leave me?? How could you EVER encourage me to FALL in LOVE with YOU for NOTHING? Well ALMOST nothing… I do have this intense Sadness hurt & pain to remind me of the ‘whatever’ it was that we  didn’t have.

I have to end this for tonight I can’t go on. I am repeating myself and on an emotional rollercoaster that NO ONE should have to deal with.

I miss you, I miss you, oh yea… I miss you……..