I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… Nine, ten…

I wish I was little and scary movies were the maker of my nightmares. Now reality produces scarier scenes.

I’ll take Elm Street over this shit any day. Freddy would never have a chance… I don’t sleep anymore anyway.

I  miss US.

I’m sorry.

I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.

My Quote-O-Gram to you tonight Moon… Right back at ya baby.

Hey my Moon I miss you. I missed you throughout the day. I found myself often lost in ‘dream’ of Easter Sunday’s of a non existent future. They were amazing little blips that I needed today. I so wish I could would have stayed home snuggled in US and nothing but US, of course hiding out is not always a possibility so I trudged to moms in my jammies this morning to begin the days events. I won’t bore you with details this time, pinky (: I will just sum it up with a big Fuck You and have a Good night!

Back to US. I hope you are snuggled up sleepy land. I wish I could join you. I am so nervous about tomorrow that I don’t think I could sleep if I could. Is that worded correctly? Doubt it. I need to get out of this house. I need to start believing in me again. I need to get out of this dark pit that I have fallen in. I know that this started out as letters to you but I think this is slowly turning into some self-healing depression blog and I am struggling with that because I feel like I would be taking time away from US to write about ‘It’ but everything seems to turn to It anyways… so then I find myself in one of those fucked up loopty loops and that sucks. Because really no matter what I choose to write this blog is for US and no matter what stupid, ridiculous, scary, CrAzY, non-important, thing I have to say YOU would care. You would listen to every last silly noise I made and probably with that silly smile on your face. And that my dear is why I love you.

Putting in some Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clones and hopefully meet you in your dreams soon my love.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

A distracting, chaotic, jumbled, mess. I hope you enjoy. Love you.

Is it really already Easter?! Wasn’t it JUST Christmas last week? Has the year already flown by so fast? I feel like I have been living in a fog the last few months. Like I can’t even look back and see what I did because all there is a misty fog filled nothing. I suppose I could go back and read the blog but you know how I HATE to read what I write. I still find it funny when I read something and have no idea how the words got onto the page. I haven’t been able to get lost in my writing in so long. It makes me feel like I can’t take a full breath. When I can write and release whatever it is that is affecting me I just feel better, like I can breathe and everything seems crisp and clear, when memories are like watching mini bad homemade movie clips in my head, the kind that are super cheesy but bring tears to your eyes, rather than creepy darkness and nothing that shows up in black and white stills.

Completely distracting myself now and gonna talk about Easter. Think I am gonna make a new recipe for twice baked yams for tomorrow. I think it will help keep my mind busy to pass the time. I am always amazed at how fast the days go when I keep myself busy and distracted. So I will be busy baking for tomorrow. Shall I tell you what’s on the menu (: How completely annoying I’m sure but whatever at least I am writing. I will be keeping myself busy tomorrow preparing the ham, mashed potatoes, those yam thingy’s I was talking about, I am gonna try to make these cute little deviled eggs but I don’t know how or if they will turn out so I will let ya know since I’m sure you are dying to know (: I am also gonna try to make this yummy bread pull apart thingy that looked uber yummy and is called Crack Bread, let ya know on that one too. I hope that I actually eat what I make tomorrow. I have a bad habit of not eating when we do big dinners because I am so busy running around the kitchen and getting stuff together that by the time I sit down I am too tired to eat and everyone else is done eating already and who really wants to eat by themselves? Anywhoo…

Oh yea and of course we are dying Easter Eggs and going to a Glow in the Dark Easter Egg hunt at a friends parents. I am soooooo excited to see how the hunt will go. I do love all things dark, especially cool glowing things (:

I am sure that I have bored you enough with my nothings but it feels good to write. Anything. So I am wondering if this too will become one of those ‘deleted’ posts that I keep sending to the blog graveyard. I don’t think so actually because you would care about every little stupid thing I had to say here. Because you are amazing. And this is for YOU and US and no one else. I need to stop worrying about what someone might think, unless that someone is you of course, because I spend so much time to trying to edit and censor my shit on here that I get stuck because this is the one place where I am not supposed to have to ‘fake’ it. If I am on the edge and shit is dark and scary and ugly then who fucking cares. I should just let it out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for all things US. All things good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, dark, amazing, hurtful, sad, happy, CrAzY, sexy, anything US. This is where it belongs.

OURS just came on (: Makes me smile. I can take a full breath. Reminds me that…

The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is oUrS….

I am sorry that things have been so dark lately. I am hoping that as soon as we get to actually be US again that everything else fill fall back into place. At least that is what has always happened before when I got lost. It took one or two amazing days of US to open the flood gates and break through but once it did the love of US wrapped itself around me so tightly that I don’t think I could have shook it if I had wanted to. I need that again. I need US again. I feel like the gods are against US right now and it really sucks. But I guess if it is meant to be then it will be.

I miss you. I thought about you all day. I will talk to you in the morning my love. I can’t wait to spend the morning with you. Wrapped in your arms, snuggled in the love of US. I can hardly wait. I feel like a kid before Christmas, can’t sleep, but want to sleep as soon as possible so that it will be morning already. Maybe I will try some melatonin tonight? I have heard it helps. Let’s hope so.

I love you. I miss you. Is it morning yet? Rawr….

Just close your eyes, you’ll be all right… At least, that is what I keep telling myself.

I always feel Safe and Sound in your arms…

I’m not home, I attempted to get out of the house today but still feel like I am bursting at the seams with ideas, thoughts, fears, and all the other shit up there. I don’t know how much longer I can avoid talking about everything. I don’t know how much longer you will allow me to keep you at arms distance. I have so many mixed feelings about all of this. You, me, US, not to mention the scary beast that I live with on a daily basis. I might just have to break down and spew some venom here but I haven’t decided yet. I guess if it gets bad enough I won’t really have a choice and it will just happen. That’s how I like it anyways, to just happen. That is the reason I have this, because I love the way I feel after I write. But I haven’t been getting that feeling lately. There is so much darkness and evil surrounding me that I feel strangled by it all and then it gets stuck and nothing happens.

I am too distracted to write anymore now. I will tonight. I have to tonight. Or I just might burst….

Miss you. Love you. Need you.

A scary dark pit, and a few things I do know. Or at least I think I do…

I have been sitting here staring at the computer for about 20 minutes now. There are so many different things that want to get out, they are all jammed up like they are stuck in a door jam because so many are trying to escape at the same time they are just piling up on top of each other so really none get out.

Did I lose you on that one? I think I almost lost myself but I can visualize it perfectly. I guess that means that they are supposed to stay there, locked up, where they belong. In that cold, dark, too dark, and scary place.

I struggle sometimes with the idea of writing or not because I wonder if what I am feeling or saying is too bad or dark to put out there so I just bottle it up. I want to say fuck it and just say what I feel like I usually do but something is holding me back. I hope things start changing soon because I am a bit frightened by the feelings I have been having and would really like the ‘comfort’ I feel when I am able to ‘write it out’.

I do know that you love me. I do know that you are Amazing Ridiculous. I do know that you amaze me every morning I wake up to a text, message, or voicemail. I do know that things would be so much worse without you. I do know that as hard as I try I can’t stop the pushing.

I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to fix me, fix this, fix US. Sadly I don’t even think I am fixable.

Goodnight my Moon. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

 

Dying sounds better than living right now…

I miss you. I am trying to battle this demon on my own. For the first time in a long time I am scared. Why do I flinch if startled? Why am I  constantly startled because I am so distracted with my thoughts? Why am I here?….

I was going to try to write to you tonight, to keep myself busy and distracted, but I can tell already that I am in too dark of a place to do that.

So, instead I will say I hope you are right and that this, US, is worth it but I have to say that I am not convinced.

Run

Run as fast as you can Moon. Don’t look back…

I’m sorry. I am so sorry…

 

 

This is what I am afraid of…

 

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