I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

This is what 4 weeks & 3 days looked like without you… It took me about that long to post it too.

 

i hate love

 

I’m finding myself with a few moments to myself so of course I am going to take the time to write or at least try to…

I have been writing and not posting a lot lately. Mostly because it doesn’t really matter anymore and it doesn’t make me feel better.

I don’t even know how long it has been since we ‘broke up’ but it feels like forever.

Thinking about it I guess we haven’t been for 9 plus months according to you and the story you tell everyone close to you.

But for me… even though I have felt that you have been gone for almost that long I didn’t completely feel it in my soul until about 4 weeks 3 days ago… pathetic.

I’m so sidetracked I can’t keep my thoughts in order.

The only thing I know is that what I am feeling, or not feeling, in my soul is not describable. There are hardly words for the way that deep inside I feel nothing. I can only describe it as my soul because even though I hurt physically from you leaving the missing you comes from someplace so much deeper.

And you’re gone.

You ignited an inferno like the wildest out of control forest fire in the thickest of Amazon jungles immediately engulfing any and everything around it incinerating it to nothing.

And that is what I feel without you.

Nothing.

But you don’t even notice I’m gone.

You barely even remember loving me…

And that super fucking sucks…

 

I don’t know how I will sleep tonight without you… I won’t.

The last few nights/days have been so amazing with you. I can’t tell you how much I love every second I spend with you, even if it is only laying in bed reading while you ‘shop’ on Amazon (you naughty, naughty boy, you) I love it. I love falling asleep and every time I am woken from a horrible dream you are there to love me back to sleep again.

I will miss you tonight. I will lay awake most of the night I’m sure, while staring into the darkness longing for your love. I wish I had the time to write more without being interrupted but its not a possibility with the wee ones.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

Don’t let me go… I’m stupid, I say dumb things, don’t you know you were never supposed to listen to me?

 

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to write. The only thing missing is a glass of wine but I just don’t feel like one so it’s just me, this, and the moon tonight. And I can only think of a few other things I would rather be doing.

I had to change the song because Eminem makes it so easy to be angry so The Fray it is. I think I found the title of my post tonight. Thank you The Fray for speaking the words I can’t. Enough side tracking let me say what I have wanted to say all day.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It actually physically hurts in my bones sometimes, and weird ones that I don’t think I have ever paid attention to before the ache in them gave me no other choice but to notice.

I was interrupted so I have no freaking idea where I was going or what I was saying. I know how I am feeling right now so lets write about that.

I am feeling so many things right now. Most of them are conflicting. I can’t help but to laugh at myself because this is what I have been saying for awhile now. Go out. Do things. Meet people. Find someone to distract you and make time move quickly instead of moving at the speed of sloth like it does for me. Of course the last one hurts the most and causes intense mixed feeling.

I want you to be happy. You are a part of my soul; of course I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. I am learning to accept that is not going to happen so the only other option is for you to find a new Happy with someone else. Even writing it gives me intense anxiety.

I kinda think you already have anyways. I can tell you are distant and I don’t know why but suspect there is a someone instead of something. I don’t really want to put down all the doubts and fears I have about that issue because it makes it too real for me.

My sleep literally consists of a series of mini nightmares. All of which consist of you, me, and someone or thing that is keeping us apart. Sometimes it is you making the choice to stay away and those ones are the worst. I don’t usually fall back to sleep after those ones. There is not much in the universe that could put me back to sleep after one of those. I can’t even hide from the pain of losing US in my sleep. There is no escaping the ache in my soul. I can fake it when I have to but there is no faking in the silent darkness of night, when the screams in my head are louder than any noise made.

You are the only one who can silence the screams and soothe my soul. And nothing hurts more than knowing that there will be no silence or soothing for either. US was lost. US was is broken.

Fuck. Interrupted again.

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you. Like I have never loved another soul, and probably never will.  

No, no, I promised time and I’m going to do that. HA! This bullshit makes my stomach turn.

This is what I wanted right? This is what I kept telling you to do. Forget about me. Don’t love me. Give up on me, I have given up on myself long ago. Meet new people. Find a new love. *gag, puke, vomit, hyperventilate, cry, scream, fight the darkness, etc.*

Aren’t these all the things I have been begging for weeks over now? Yea, I thought so too. Funny how when you get what you want it ends up fucking biting you in the ass.

It just frustrates me so much though. I trusted you. I trusted your stupid little won’t leave you, love you with my heart and soul, blah-bitty, blah bullshit when everything in me told me to fight it. To not trust these silly moments of amazing that couldn’t possibly be real. But no, I didn’t listen. I chose to believe in the bullshit and to ignore the warning.

And now look where I am. Right fucking where I started but more broken and hurt than ever before. Questioning everything. Wondering if any of it was real. Trying hard to fight the darkness that is edging closer while at the same time begging for it to take me. To just swallow me whole and let me be. And if it isn’t going to take me then someone please wake me the fuck up from this nightmare. Shake me like a fucking Etch A Sketch, until none of this exists anymore and all the memories and pain are erased.

You could have just left long ago. You didn’t have to hold on and wait at home. You didn’t have to break me. You didn’t have to try to prove my Love doesn’t exist theory was crap. You didn’t have to make me feel like a fucking quickie, not even worth your time, less important than homies and Walmart-Fucking Bitch.

I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I suck.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I have to sleep. I have to force myself to try. I need to be up in 5 hours. Probably about the time I fall asleep.

Fuck.

I am hoping to get some time to try to write tomorrow. I need to. I am going to go fucking iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe soon if I don’t ‘sort’ some of the shit going on up there out.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Or not.

I forgot you probably hate me right about now. Sorry again. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better but I really am.

I usually try to text, call, or message you every 20 minutes but quickly stop myself. It is too hard to hear you, your voice, your love, your patience, your understanding, all of YOU is too hard to fight anymore. Hearing the disappointment in your voice is heart wrenching. I hate that you are hurting. I am sorry I get so lost in my hurt that I forget that you too could be hurting. I’m sorry you hurt.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I love you. I really do. I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wish I could write more tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.  

All I got to say is…

I have been attempting to write for quite some days now. Nothing has come of it except a bunch of deleted jumbled rubbish. Seeing as how I am not really one to force it or have to ‘fake’ anymore than I already do I choose to say Fuck it!

And hopefully get entirely too intoxicated tonight at the ‘dildo party’ to care.

So, off I am to hoochie my self up for a wild night of booze, boobs, and things that go buzzz zzzzzzz (:

I love you. I need you. I am sorry I push, thank you for holding tight.

P.S. Your call just now put a smile on my face. I love you. I just wish I knew how to let you love me….

Just close your eyes, you’ll be all right… At least, that is what I keep telling myself.

I always feel Safe and Sound in your arms…

I’m not home, I attempted to get out of the house today but still feel like I am bursting at the seams with ideas, thoughts, fears, and all the other shit up there. I don’t know how much longer I can avoid talking about everything. I don’t know how much longer you will allow me to keep you at arms distance. I have so many mixed feelings about all of this. You, me, US, not to mention the scary beast that I live with on a daily basis. I might just have to break down and spew some venom here but I haven’t decided yet. I guess if it gets bad enough I won’t really have a choice and it will just happen. That’s how I like it anyways, to just happen. That is the reason I have this, because I love the way I feel after I write. But I haven’t been getting that feeling lately. There is so much darkness and evil surrounding me that I feel strangled by it all and then it gets stuck and nothing happens.

I am too distracted to write anymore now. I will tonight. I have to tonight. Or I just might burst….

Miss you. Love you. Need you.