You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

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Your 1ish is more like 2ish then? Or is it more like when/if you get around to me? Just checking… Oops, seems like a bit of the angry leaked out. I miss you. I love you.

 

I’m sitting here. Waiting for you. Again. I’m always waiting for you lately. I hate it. I hate the uneasiness I get in my stomach when I sit here and wonder if you are going to call or not. And if you don’t, which you usually don’t anymore, and then I have to sit here and go crazy wondering why you aren’t. I of course go to worse case scenario, it’s the half glass empty in me, and the imagination and hurt grow from there.

I write to you a lot in my head. I find myself throughout the day ‘talking’ to you. Saying what I would if you were here. One Thing just came on the freaking radio and I am not even attempting to hold back the tears, there is no point, you are my One Thing. I have no idea what I was saying or writing before because right now all I can think about is US, laying for hours listening to music and each other, falling into a love so deep that the loss of it cant help but be felt in your bones.

I don’t think I was ever really ‘there’ in terms of believing you wouldn’t leave or that the love of US was enough, blah, blah, blah, but I was so close I could almost see it.

But now, now, I can’t even imagine it let alone see it. I feel like you will leave me.

I know you will leave me, because somehow I’ve become unimportant to you.

I don’t think I ever really asked for that much but all of a sudden me just expecting you to answer your phone is appalling and suffocating.

I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to go from having you be there for me whenever possible to this, me having to pencil in time with you; and even then you rarely follow through.

I feel like I am in a tailspin. A part of me, the dark, scary, and broken part, finds a sick comfort in your absence. I know how to deal with hurt, lies, and meanness, it’s my thing, I am okay in a horribly sad way with you being AWOL so I try to hide it and keep you at arms distance but the rest of me and my soul, we don’t know what the fuck to do without you.

So I sit here. I miss you. I try to busy myself with music, cleaning, chores, the little ones that own my world, work, and anything else I can to distract me from the hurt of missing you and the darkness that screams you won’t be back because it’s just not worth it.

On a complete me move I have wanted to apologize for my mini breakdown this am. I don’t know what got into me. It could have been the lack of sleep or the not-so-nice words that usually start my mornings, or it could have been that the pain and fear of losing US was just no longer avoidable but whatever the fuck it was I’m sorry. I was mad at myself all day long after that. I hate showing you the weak in me. I hate not being able to just act like I don’t care and that I don’t hurt to the core from missing you and sometimes I cant hold it in and there was a time, in the way distant past, that you cared and wanted to hear what was going on and how I was feeling. And I needed to get it out. I just wish I would have had the time to get it out here, instead of to you. I really don’t need to add to the craziness where you are concerned.

Well, I am going to put an end to this pity party here and call it a night. I have a few chapters left to read in Fifty and I find it so easy to get lost in the love of them. It reminds me so much of the love of US in so many ways. You are my Fifty. I would do anything for you. I will love you no matter what. Forever.

I miss you.

I’m yours.