Why does Silence have to scream so loud? I miss you.

Another day. I made it through most of it so far. Now we have the silence of night to get through and that pretty much fucking sucks. I hate the night. Sad, because I have always found comfort in the dark, star filled, moon bright, silent, nights. I used to love to lay in the darkness and find comfort in the silence. Now I avoid silence like the plague. I always have the lights on, or the TV or both, the laptop is ALWAYS open, usually with music playing, even if the TV is on because it is almost always muted I just need the added light (:  energy waster right here. Have I told you how many times I dry the clothes in my dryer? I might have a problem. I have this thing now where I have to have the dryer going when I fall asleep at night so the clothes usually get about 3 or 4 cycles before I fall asleep, sorry ‘bout that but this is my reality now. I have to have some sort of something going on to distract me because if I don’t then it is too hard to keep the darkness at bay. With all of the music and noise and Target commercial on Pandora I am pretty distracted. Blackness is a slippery slope. I think it almost won. It still might. But I will continue to fight it as long as I have to.

I miss you. I want to talk to you so bad right now. I had to stop myself from walking straight to the phone to call you when I walked in tonight. I literally had to talk myself out of it in my head. No, you can’t hold the phone and make the bed, just get all your shit done and ready for bed and then call. No, don’t call yet he might still be working and you don’t really want to bug him at work do you? No, don’t text him because he hasn’t sent anything since 3 so he must be really busy just wait a bit longer. Is this fucking for real? Yes, sadly it is. This is actual fucking dialogue that plays in my head.

But I waited. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I distracted, distracted, distracted until finally you sent a text saying you were hanging out. And you want to know something sad I was crushed and relieved at the same time. It is getting so hard to not get lost in you, your words, your whispers, your love but if you are ‘out’ then there is no way I can get lost in it and that crushes me because getting lost in US is amazing…

Well, I guess I am off to find something else to distract me with because the longer I sit here the more I want to message you. I want to tell you that I miss you so much that it takes my breath away sometimes. I want to ask you to go home so that I can lay with you. I want to cry. Probably will.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.

Remind me what US feels like, please… I can’t remember at all.

I think I finally know why I can’t write to you. I think it is because I am so busy trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be focusing on US right now, that I have to be miserable because of what is going on around here. So instead I try to distract myself with humming, finger tapping, ring tapping, toe wiggling, leg tapping, remembering to breathe, important one to remember by the way, thanks for reminding me when I forget (:  I often find myself doing more than one of these at a times. 

Thanks for always being there. Thanks for understanding and not pushing too hard. Thanks for your constant love. As much as you amaze me I hate to tell you that I still think some mornings that you wont be around anymore, I don’t understand it, you try to break down these walls, you beg me to let you in, you whisper sweet nothings, you lay with me, you hold me. You lay with me, even when I wont let you hold or touch me, you still just lay there. Are you fucking serious?! Do you seriously see all the amazing things you do for me? Don’t you realize that I don’t deserve all that? I can’t give you all of those amazing things back. I don’t know how to love right. I don’t know how to process or accept the love you show me. It gives me panic attacks. To think that the love you have for me, for US, could ever be a constant is unimaginable to me.

Keep on Loving You just came on. Perhaps to slap me back to what I started this tonight for, to write to you. Not about my fears, panic, anxiety, crazy, brokenness. So that is what I am going to try to do.

I need US. I know that is why I am such a fucking mess right now. It has been weeks it seems like since we have been able to just be US. I don’t even fucking remember what it is like to get lost in US, which happens to be one of my favorite things ever! And for some fucked up reason I am trying to deprive myself of it. I don’t want to avoid US anymore. I want you to make me remember what US is. What US feel like? I don’t want you take my no’s or stop’s ANY LONGER, I know that you know how to get me back to US. I know that you always know what to do or say. You somehow know when I need the soft, gentle, coaxing and whispers. You know when I need to be loved. You know when and how to kiss my tears and accept them but also how to whisper them away.

You amaze me.

I am so sorry that I have been so untouchable lately. I am so sorry that I push you away every time you get close. I am sorry I ignore your kisses and touches. I want them. I want you.

I want US.

I know that there are parts of my life that are shit right now. But this, here, is for US. And everyone deserves an US. Even me. Even when my it feels like everything around me is crumbling, I still deserve to feel love. To feel your love.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for believing in US. Make me remember US in the morning, please. I might not believe in me. But I believe in you.

Goodnight my Moon. I missed you tonight. The moon was huge and about as bright and yellow as it could be and of course followed me everywhere reminding me of your love. I love you too.

 

Just close your eyes, you’ll be all right… At least, that is what I keep telling myself.

I always feel Safe and Sound in your arms…

I’m not home, I attempted to get out of the house today but still feel like I am bursting at the seams with ideas, thoughts, fears, and all the other shit up there. I don’t know how much longer I can avoid talking about everything. I don’t know how much longer you will allow me to keep you at arms distance. I have so many mixed feelings about all of this. You, me, US, not to mention the scary beast that I live with on a daily basis. I might just have to break down and spew some venom here but I haven’t decided yet. I guess if it gets bad enough I won’t really have a choice and it will just happen. That’s how I like it anyways, to just happen. That is the reason I have this, because I love the way I feel after I write. But I haven’t been getting that feeling lately. There is so much darkness and evil surrounding me that I feel strangled by it all and then it gets stuck and nothing happens.

I am too distracted to write anymore now. I will tonight. I have to tonight. Or I just might burst….

Miss you. Love you. Need you.

Don’t have much too say today either. Life and I are not on speaking terms but… I think if you….

Then maybe, just maybe, things will start looking up. Or at least I will be so distracted that it won’t fucking matter for awhile…

I miss you. I am sorry I am being so whiney and weak lately. I hope Life stops being such a douche bag soon!!

I love you. I hope I will see you tonight so we can test my idea…