Was gonna attempt to write but I’m feeling a bit snarky… So instead you get some music. Sorry.

u boat

I’m trying my best to fight it. I’m trying my hardest to not think about what you did. I’m fighting to push the ugly thoughts of how you never would have told me on your own…

I’m trying to believe that I should believe.

Fuck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao138HwSqow

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We’ve somehow weathered the last 4 days… Will we weather many more?

how awful you made me feel

I’m so confused.

I don’t have any idea what I should do. The US inside me that is trying to fight to survive is telling me to just find my answers in your arms and love but… the part of me that no longer believes in anything ‘US’ related wants me to man up and quit being a whiney bitch and let you go.

So what do I do?

Because without you I find myself crumpled on the floor but when we are together I find myself going crazy doubting and questioning everything. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G!!!

And sleep? That is a fucking joke right now. How can I sleep when the silence and stillness makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I’m not even kidding. I seriously am going to lose my fucking mind.

And I’m pretty much okay with that.

If I lose my mind then I guess I wont have to deal with the shit that is running around up there.

This is going to be so fucking crazy and all over the place because no matter how much I say that I want to run away and let US go and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah….

I want US more than anything.

I don’t want to give up.

I want to believe.

I want to feel US like I used to.

I want to feel you touch places and bring them alive like no one else can.

I want to not hurt from the depths of my soul.

I want to not think that every time you are apart from you are with HER.

I want to be your number one… Not the runner up or just the chick you got stuck with.

I’m sorry. I will try again another time to get some more shit out. Right now I just want to snuggle into your arms and wrap myself in your love and forget about any and everything else.

But I don’t get to do that anymore. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

And I miss it so fucking much….

Around, around, around, we go. Where we stop, NO one knows…

 

Big things are SUPPOSED to be happening this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this. I am on one hand so excited. I am actually trying to talk myself down a bit. I am bit giddy with excitement, I can feel it there buried under all of the anxiety and sadness I have. If things go the way as planned this weekend, well, that means big huge things for US. But that also means big huge changes for you and Little Man. I am most saddened by that. I feel more all over the place than ever right now. I am happy that things are changing; I am saddened that things are changing, and I am nervous that things are changing.

Will the events of this weekend really take place? I have my doubts. Some of them are valid, reasonable, doubts (at least to me). Some of them are just what the monsters and ghosts in my head have conjured up. I know that some of them stem from the fact that I have no real knowledge of what your daily ‘life’ is really like. I am so doubtful that the conversations that do or don’t take place really DO or DON’T happen. I know that is horrible, terrible, down right despicable, but can you blame me? I have nothing but let downs and tears to go off of. That has been what my past experiences have been.

I am such a skeptic. I am so glass half empty kind of girl, I wasn’t always this way you know. I used to live life wild and free, then MJ died and so did that part of me. Now, I prefer to KNOW that the bad is coming, instead of being the doe eyed dummy, that gets ripped from her ‘everything is ladybugs and rainbows’ dream life and slammed into the hard, solid, concrete ground of reality so fast that she shatters. That is not the role I want to ever play again. I much prefer to see the ground coming and am able to position myself that hopefully my feet hit first.

I have more to write just not the time right now. I will be back soon…. Rawr.

I can’t sleep, so I will write to you instead.

It’s 3 am and I am still lying here wide awake. I can barely get comfortable. My neck is better but still bad, story of my life. I haven’t fallen to ‘nap’ before 4 am in the past week and its starting to wear me thin. I miss you. I still haven’t talked to you. I don’t know if I will talk to you. I don’t know if I should talk to you. I feel like you are so good at talking me out of my fears and I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Is it a good thing that you can take away my fears so easily? Or is it a bad thing and you are just masking them and not really taking them away? I have read everyone one of your text and emails, several times actually. They make me feel warm. They make me feel loved. I miss feeling loved by you. I miss you. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss snuggling you. I miss US. I need to believe in happy, that’s what I need to do. There is no way that US isn’t what makes me happy.

I just want more from you than you can give right now. I know that maybe I am being unreasonable but I deserve to be able to communicate with my ‘man’ on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to go days wondering where you are. If you are busy then I should be able to get some sort of message from you that you won’t be around. I shouldn’t have to sit here for days on end just ‘believing’ you will be back. You should be telling me, no, showing me that you will be back. If you can’t do that then there is no reason for me to put my effort into US. If you are willing to stick around until you CAN be there for me on a daily basis then you are my everything and I am happy with that. If you can’t then maybe you weren’t really in this for US and you were really in this for ‘him’ (you know who I am referring to!), and if that is the case then I don’t need or want you anyways!

I believe you will be here until US can be. You have been showing me daily since you came back, again, that you want me, that you want US. You message me throughout the day. You send me little I love you’s. You have been trying so hard to make me believe but it’s just not enough right now. This is all so déjà vu. This is exactly what happened the last time you HAD to leave. You swooped back in and made everything better for a few weeks. You were gone less, you were here more. You were good at loving me. You were amazing at showing me but then you had to leave again. Shit went down at your house and you weren’t able to contact me. But were your legs broke? Were you locked in your room like a toddler? Why the fuck couldn’t you have FOUND away to get a message to me? I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe I do but I just don’t want to believe it. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe my worst fear is true. Maybe when you are there without me I really don’t exist to you. That’s what I think anyway. I think that when you are there I am just a figment of your imagination and not really REAL to you. That’s why it is so easy for you to go days and days without contacting me. How long will you be here this time before you leave me? Will you be here for days? Will you be here for weeks? Will you be here for months? Or will you be gone for days, weeks, months again? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I wish that the answers were the ones I wanted to hear. I fear that they aren’t. I fear that the deepest, darkest, monsters that live in my head are right. That I am just something to pass the time when your family is not so hectic. You say that I am always on your mind but would you really tell me if I wasn’t? I doubt it. I have a lot of doubt. Doubt follows me around like a shadow. I don’t like him. I wish he would leave US alone. I have enough problems without doubt joining the party.

I must try to rest now my Moon. I’m sure the boys will be up soon and I have not even laid my head on my pillow. I miss you. I hope you prove all of this Doubt to be wrong. Don’t give up on me. I’m sorry.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I always will.