Wordless Wednesdayseems like word-vomit Wednesday… Whoopsie.

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I am literally sitting here listening to Pandora play the screams from my soul while I attempt to write because in the past that is one of the few things that saved me. But I am not feeling so ‘saved’ anymore when I write, at least when I write here. I am feeling extra whiney and needy and unwanted, obviously, and I don’t really know why I continue to write to you/about you. I am more than convinced that you are so far healed and beyond me that I can’t even see the shadow of you in the distance anymore, but still I continue to pour my love and what is left of my soul out to you.

I continue to write to you as if you are reading and care.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I continue to write to you is it making letting go of you harder? Or is writing to you my way of ‘letting you go’?

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do so I will just continue to write you out of my soul like I have been.

I will continue to let you slowly leave my life through my writings while I search for myself at the same time.

I know someday I too will be like you and have a new love to write about/love/fuck/kiss/hold/want/need. Someday I will not wake up feeling like I can’t catch my breath with the heaviest ache in my soul you could ever imagine. I mean seriously? Do I have to still feel like I am so lost without you after all this time? Do you think I want to feel this misery? Do you think I don’t wish every second of every day that I could walk away from any and everything US and not look back like you have? Of course I don’t want to hurt and love and want and need someone who doesn’t care about me or want me or love me or need me. I don’t think anyone ever wants that.

But that is what I am stuck with.

An undying love.

I am so scared for when this love does truly die out because I know I will never find something like it.

And that terrifies me more than not feeling anything ever again.

What if I gave you all the love I have and I don’t ever find it again?

What happens then?

What do you care? You’re in love. You’re not lonely and hurting and wondering what you could have done differently. You’re not questioning why the one time you truly believed in love how it could have ended this way. You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night begging for darkness, no dreams because you are always in them and they quickly turn to nightmares.

No. That’s not how you spend your time at all.

You spend it with someone new. Telling them all the amazing things you used to tell me. That’s one of the hardest things about all of this. I know exactly what youre fucking saying and doing with her… because you spent the last 3 years doing the exact fucking same thing to me!!!

Why did I fall for it?

Why did my soul choose you to be forever?

Fucking fuck.

Random Wednesday writing… Snarfles this sucks balls.

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I havent used my computer in a long time to post. Ive been using another laptop/pad/kindle/my phone etc. I feel like my fingers feel at home here. These keys are the ones that have felt every letter typed to our story. These are the keys who have witnessed my tears/screams/laughs/moans/giggles/sighs/worries/everyfuckingthing for so long now.

Enough about the keys tho. I’m not here to write a review on my keypad I’m here to spill my guts and tell my sad story.

I don’t even really know what to say.

I have such a hard time being angry at you because how am I supposed to have anger towards someone who doesn’t love me? How can I fault someone for something they do or do not feel for me or for someone else?

I can’t.

But I know what I can fault you for is the way you lied and treated me for a year after knowing you had found someone else. I can fault you for the things you said and the way you used my love for you in sick and twisted ways. I can fault you for making me your cumdumpster for the better part of a year and taking something that came from a real place from me and turn it into you just trying to rub one out. I can fault you for calling me everyfuckingtime you were drunk and telling me how much you loved/missed/wanted/needed me but really only trying to fill your time until she came back from whatever/whoever she was doing and decided to pay attention to you again.

I could list all of these terrible faults and many more but really they are just my way of trying to make my sadness hurt less and the anger take some of the pain away.

But really nothing will make it hurt any less.

Nothing will take the hurt away but you being back and US being US.

That will never happen.

I will now just take each step one baby step at a time and write my way through it.

Ok well I’ve a Skype-date tonight.

And I’m spending it in my pj’s with my hair in a bun.

Fun times lol.

I’m wearing mascara and lip gloss at least right?

In other news I forget that people out there read these words that I write. I don’t really think about anybody else when I write but lately I have been getting some really supportive words from readers and I just want to say thanks. I’m humbled that you even take the time to read my soulache. I’m sorry if my words seem redundant I can get caught up in a thought and become a bit of an ‘over-writer’ at times. But this blog has saved me more times than I would like to admit. Hearing your support and encouragement helps me during my dark and lonely times.

So thank you.

Soul-less…

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Good things must be happening for you. I can tell because the ache in my soul is constant. You have been racing through my thoughts/dreams/nightmares at a rapid pace. I can’t escape you. You haunt my every move.

I can only assume it’s my souls way of trying to hang on to you. I have decided that you must be completely letting me go and my soul can feel it. It’s crushing and comforting at the same time. Whatever it was that you thought was worth more than US just might be turning out to be just that. That tears me a part and eases the hurt knowing that if that is truly the case then you truly never were meant to be mine and that I can literally grieve for you forever but you won’t be coming back. And that somehow gives me some sick comfort knowing that I didn’t have to make the decision to not try anymore because the decision was made for me. You have to live with knowing you walked away for something ‘better’. I get to live knowing I tried like crazy for something I believed in and there was literally nothing else I could do. I had exhausted all of my options when it came to US.

I couldn’t show possibly do anything to say or show you how much I loved you because I had done and said it all.

I pushed any and everything away for a love that I truly thought was worth it.

I loved and believed with every ounce of my being.

And I think I loved US to death.

So now I am sitting here with an ache in my soul, silently screaming out for something that will never be mine.

I’m so afraid to let this love go. The love that I have shared here feels like home. What if I truly let it go and I am never able to find a love like it again? What if I mistakenly gave all the love I had here and wasted it on something that was not real and now I don’t have anything left to give anyone else? Or worse what if I never find anyone who even wants my love?

I’m going back to bed.

Wake me never.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.