Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.
I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.
We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.
What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.
And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.
Over and fucking over.
And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.
I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.
I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?
Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?
It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.
It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.
I’m possibly being overly sensitive and a tad dramatic.
But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.
You know what.
I’m not going to do this right now.
I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.
Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.
Let’s hope it does this time too.