A post written through tears… How do I let go??

wanted him

Well hello there… It’s been awhile.

Too long in my opinion but I’ve been trying to avoid a whine session but I just can’t avoid it any longer. If  I don’t get some of this out I am afraid of where or when I will have a complete meltdown because at the rate I am going I am on the verge of one.

So, here I sit, with YouTube playing in the background, as I attempt to write to you. Of course Seether, Broken is the first song to play and already I want to just give up, the song alone makes me want to just curl into a ball and forget about the world, the world that you and I don’t exist in anymore, the world that I truly thought would cease to exist if anything ever happened to US, but here I am, without you, without US, yet everyone and everything else is carrying on as if nothing at all is wrong.

How did this happen? When did all the promises and love we made together fall apart? Do you think of me? Does the thought of me or US take your breath away? Does the pain of missing me bring tears to eyes and hurt to your soul? Do you find yourself laying awake at night staring into the darkness longing for me, for US? Do you fall asleep at night with your pillow damp with tears? Do you wake up with a start looking for me, forgetting that I’m not there? Do you hear songs that remind you of US and fight the tears? Do you wish you could forget me? Do you wish I would stop my whining and just move on? Do you regret any or everything?

These are questions that run through my head daily, hourly, minutely, every second. I know the answers to everyone of them for me but I question what the answers would be for you.

I thought I could do this, I thought I would feel better if I tried to write but it’s not helping. It’s making me sick. I’m trying to let you go. I’m trying to leave you alone and not bother you. I’m trying to let life here distract me. But it’s not working. You are in my every thought, you are always on my mind, I can’t run from it, I can’t hide from it. There is no escaping the pain, hurt, or longing that I have.

I want to talk to you so bad but I’m so scared at the same time. I know that I will hear your voice and be a blubbering, crying mess because I miss you so much. But it doesn’t stop the want. It doesn’t stop me wanting you to just hold me and tell me everything is okay and you are mine, like you promised, forever.

I will try to write again later, when the tears are blinding me and I’m not fighting for every breath.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Same sad song… Different day.

all kinds love never same

Apparently the holiday season brings out the worst in me. I feel the most insecure and needy during this time of year. It doesn’t help that you are pulling your usual, ‘missing in action’ bullshit. I’m so over it. I wish I could just convince myself to actually walk the fuck away and not be so weak when it comes to you. But no… I still find myself hanging on your every word, waiting for a text, hoping it’s you that is calling when my phone rings…


Seriously? How can I still be writing the same bullshit years later?

Oh yea I know why… I’m stupid.

I’m constantly looking for the love you used to show me. I’m wishing and hoping that all the amazing you made me feel at one time was not a lie and really did exist. It’s been so long since I felt the amazing-ness you used to bring that if it wasn’t for this blog I wouldn’t believe it ever really existed. I have gone back and read a few post from the past, not in quite awhile, just to convince myself that US was real.

Will you ever really walk away? Will we just continue down this fucked up path, that is more like a roundabout, for eternity? Will we find the love that we once had? Is it lost forever? Were we just too stupid and naïve to believe we could ever make it? Was it all a dream? Did the you I fell in love with ever exist? Will you ever be more than just an almost lover?

Too many questions for one night. Think I will try to distract myself with some reading…

Wish me luck…