Today I don’t even want to get out of bed. I hate today. Is it over yet?

I miss you. I have been so busy with everyday life that I haven’t had much time to sit and wallow in my sadness but it is still there, always. And I am rarely alone anymore so even if I am sad I don’t have the luxury to let it ‘show’. And it pretty much fucking sucks. I don’t know how much longer this fake will hold up.

I am so exhausted from holding everything back and putting on a happy face that I can hardly keep my eyes open when I do hit the pillow at night. Of course that is when the silence signals the loudness in my head to start. So a tossin’ and a turnin’ we go until around 5am-ish when I finally have tossed and turned my mind and body to complete exhaustion. I have the most UN-restful sleep I have had my entire life. And it sucks. Big time. I hardly remember what it is like to ‘fall asleep’ without having to exhaust myself.

I miss the way I would slowly drift off into the most amazing sleep with you. It was hard to fight at times. You always made me feel so safe and comfortable and loved. I miss that. I miss you. I miss US.

Busy day again today so I must begin my fake ass day. Wish me luck. I need it.

I wonder if I will ever drift to sleep again…

I love you.

Advertisements

See ya Monday… next Monday and try not to be such a bitch next time, thanks.

We still haven’t had that reset we I need. I want to say tomorrow is another day and good things come to those who wait and all the other bullshit ass ‘talk me back from the edge’ sayings but I just don’t believe that shit so for now I am just going to say I hope it happens. I hope we get to spend some quality time together. It would be nice if the ‘Schedule’ gods could give us a fucking break.

I had to fake it today. I had to pretend like everything is hunky-dory and ignore the fact that I am shattered into a million pieces. I think I did a pretty good job. I mean, fuck, for a minute or two I almost faked happy so good I thought I might really be happy. When I walked outside and felt the warm sun hit my skin and the cool breeze blow my hair I expected to keep that ‘happy’ with me but sadly it was nowhere to be found, must have left it behind in the office. Fuck I hate when that happens…

I want to write more I just don’t have the energy and I am exhausted. I miss you. I need you. I still think I need to find ‘ME’ on my own but I have a feeling you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon and I kinda like that. A lot (:

Thank you for giving me the space while still wrapping me in your love. I still don’t know if I believe you’re real. There is just no way that someone could love me as unconditionally as you. I don’t think. I don’t know. You confuse me. You distract me. You love me. Yup, yup, yup, you love me. And I love you too (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you and wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Wonder how this ‘night-out’ will go?

Here’s to Faking it till I make it (:

I wish I could be in your arms tonight instead… always….

I love you. I miss you already. I can’t wait to see you soon….

You’re the BEST sleepy juice and I love you.

I miss you already. This morning was just what US needed. Now I must start the afternoon by putting on my best Fake it ’till you Make it Smile and venture out into this bright, cold, cruel world and try not to seriously harm anyone who annoys me too much (: 

I love you. I miss you. Always……..