Hey here’s an idea… Don’t answer your phone next time. Better yet, there won’t be a next time.

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So yesterday I missed being able to talk to you. It sucked and made for kind of a crap day.

Today, well i was sure it would start better. I really was hoping to talk to you this morning. I was thinking after the morning I had and the way and words I woke up to that hearing you would make it all better.

I was wrong.

This morning I should have just stayed under the covers and never called you. It was a bad idea. I hate to hear your fake, I mean nothing to you, voice.

Ending this now. It seems attempting to write is the second bad decision I’ve made this morning…

Fuck you Wednesday…

You said never. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

I have been ‘writing’ to you all fucking day long in my head, while I drive down the street, as I sit and wait at the stop light, even when I’m in the middle of conversations and by conversations I mean the other person speaking while I absently nod my head and throw in a few mmhmms and uh huhs to add just the right amount of fake to hide the fact that I am having a conversation of my own, in my head, with you.

Crazy?

Yea, crazy. Story of me.

I want to be mad and say angry things and turn all this hurt into anger but I can’t. I can’t find my way out of the hurt to do anything. I feel dark and cold. Even now as I sit in the sun, I see the sun, I don’t feel it though. I don’t feel anything. I have been sitting here trying to feel something for hours now.

Nothing.

It’s not working. The only I am feeling is my head spinning from the rollercoaster of emotions that are gnawing at me, clawing at my head and heart.

The loudest is the little fucker that is screaming, ‘I told ya so, I told ya so.’

And yet as broken as I feel I find comfort in this. I know how to deal with this kind of pain. I am used to having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and dust them off to lock them away again.

It’s the pieces of my soul that I don’t know how to deal with. It’s the realization that even though I wanted to believe in US more than anything ever, US wasn’t real. The kind of love that US is doesn’t exist outside of fairytales and we are definitely not a fucking fairytale. I have to admit that you did an outstanding job of playing the role of the Eternal Lover. Bravo.

I was right all along. Nobody loves like you do. Even you don’t love like you do. You are just a really good pretender. And I am a fucking idiot.

I almost find it laughable at times. I almost uprooted my life for something that never even fucking existed.

And just as quickly the breath is sucked from my lungs and the ache I feel in my bones does nothing to help me regain my breath. I can feel the way I miss US already. I can feel it in my soul. It is an empty, nothingness.

I have imagined numerous ways for US to end but never did I think it would end with hurtful, hateful words, or be riddled with lies. Well, not from you at least. We all know that the Fucking Bitch that I am would be spewing all kinds of bullshit. Right? Fuck me if I am going to be such a Fucking Bitch right?

What am I Fucking Bitch for anyways?

  • Wanting to spend time with you?
  • Expecting you to follow through with our plans?
  • Thinking that everything was a go since I had not heard anything different from you?
  • Believing you when you said that Sunday was for US?
  • Being hurt when for the 100th time our plans have been pushed to the side?
  • Getting sick of hearing, “I’m going to make it up to you” or “I owe it to you”?

Do any of those make me a Fucking Bitch?

Which ones?

You are sorry.

Today I don’t even want to get out of bed. I hate today. Is it over yet?

I miss you. I have been so busy with everyday life that I haven’t had much time to sit and wallow in my sadness but it is still there, always. And I am rarely alone anymore so even if I am sad I don’t have the luxury to let it ‘show’. And it pretty much fucking sucks. I don’t know how much longer this fake will hold up.

I am so exhausted from holding everything back and putting on a happy face that I can hardly keep my eyes open when I do hit the pillow at night. Of course that is when the silence signals the loudness in my head to start. So a tossin’ and a turnin’ we go until around 5am-ish when I finally have tossed and turned my mind and body to complete exhaustion. I have the most UN-restful sleep I have had my entire life. And it sucks. Big time. I hardly remember what it is like to ‘fall asleep’ without having to exhaust myself.

I miss the way I would slowly drift off into the most amazing sleep with you. It was hard to fight at times. You always made me feel so safe and comfortable and loved. I miss that. I miss you. I miss US.

Busy day again today so I must begin my fake ass day. Wish me luck. I need it.

I wonder if I will ever drift to sleep again…

I love you.

I’m sorry. I hate that you hate me. I hate me too… I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying it but I am.

I love you.

You’re the BEST sleepy juice and I love you.

I miss you already. This morning was just what US needed. Now I must start the afternoon by putting on my best Fake it ’till you Make it Smile and venture out into this bright, cold, cruel world and try not to seriously harm anyone who annoys me too much (: 

I love you. I miss you. Always……..