What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

image

Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

The T.M.I Award… take 2,332,222,124… you suck WordPress!!

Why when my head is loudest is it so hard to write to you? I would think that with all the screaming thoughts up there I would at least be able to pull something out and get it down. But nope. Not a chance. So I am putting on some Pandora and hoping to remedy that. In lighter news….

I was nominated for The T.M.I Award (:

SexualLifeOfAWife nominated me. I think she ROCKS, and I thought so BEFORE she nominated me (: Thanks so much for nominating me, thank you even more for your kind words and support, you often bring a warmth to my heart with your encouraging words when things are darkest. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (:

She makes some AMAZING lovin’ with her hubby, and you know I am a sucker for A M A Z I N G (: and BARES it all on her blog. Check it out. Now! Hereis the link again in case you didn’t see the first one (:

 

The T.M.I Award

 

Here’s the low down on it….

The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

Here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who presented you with the award.
  •  Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
  •  Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
  •  Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
  •  Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
  •  Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

 

My awkward, embarrassing & intimate story…

OhEmGee… This is still anonymous right?! Hope so, here goes nothing or maybe everything (:

For my birthday a few years back my family and friends through me a little get together at a local bar. Well, I had recently met a new friend in my Psych class that had just moved across country and seemed like a pretty cool chick so I invited her to come along. I didn’t know at the time that she ‘wanted’ me, until we were about 4 drinks in that is. After that it was pretty apparent that she did indeed want to be ‘Lez-be-friends’, which btw I do not have a problem with, I have been known to bat for both teams, just NOT in front of my FAMILY. I spent much of the evening dodging her advances in front of my family except for a drunken moment in the bathroom…

Long story a bit shorter at the end of the evening we have all piled into the DD cars for the night and fuck it, I am calling her Boobs, Boobs got in my car (of course) with my MOM, sister, and my mom’s best friend. I was pretty confident that I had avoided any prying eyes now that the evening was wrapping up.

Boy was I wrong.

As we are driving along home, listening to some music and trying not to get too car sick from all the Pink Panty Droppers we had enjoyed Boob’s not so quietly leans over into my seat and says as LOUD as she fucking can, ‘ Hey, are we still gonna hook up tonight like we talked about in the bathroom?!’

I almost fucking DIED…

I gave her a small smile and completely ignored her question as though I never heard it and hope that everyone else was just as tipsy as I, although my mom was DD…

We did hook up… It was my birthday for fucks sake (:

PS. This took me almost a full 24 hours to get this to post. I don’t know why. But I did and I will be nominating people in the very near future… Sorry if you have already been nominated and also if you don’t want to do it when I nominate you… Fuck it (:

 

The T.M.I Award?! Fo’sho… If WORDPRESS fucking worked right!! Tried to publish 4 TIMES. WordPress KEEPS DELETING THE WHOLE THING!! I will try again tomorrow…FUCK YOU WordPress and Goodnight!!

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

The Story of Us. Well, my version anyway (:

I have been asked a few times the ‘back-story’ on US. I had never thought to write one because this blog started out as emails that I was writing to him, who from this point on will be referred to, as Moon, but didn’t quite have the courage to hit the send button. My drafts folder of my email was getting bigger and I decided instead of keeping them in my email to just put them down in this blog so as to not have the CONSTANT reminder of Moon whenever I was on my email, which happens to be ALOT, sadly. Since I mostly write to Moon here I guess I have overlooked that someone might actually want to know where US came from. So I will try to do my best with The Story of US.

Let me start with, I have not yet decided just HOW much I am willing to put out here about my life, Moon’s life, and US. I know that as of now I am completely anonymous BUT you never know.

I have up until now ALWAYS considered myself to be a STRONG woman. I am quickly learning with the pain, and now fear, of losing Moon has brought with it the reality that I am no such thing. 

Here goes nothing…

I am a single mom of 2 boys with an unusual living situation, more on that perhaps another time. He is ‘in the process’ of learning to be a single dad with a son. We met YEARS ago through a mutual friend when we were BOTH single, but they were, ‘Hi, nice to meet you/see you again, Bye.’ types of encounters. We then lost touch for a while.

About a year ago we re-connected through the same friend. We were at the time both at home full time with our kids. We ended up spending LOTS of time together. Let me add that we were ALWAYS in the company of someone else, be it our kids or another mutual friend. We NEVER spent one on one time without at LEAST one of our 3 children present, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish even if we had tried.

We had much of the same interests and time so we ended up spending our ‘free’ time doing things together. When we first started spending time together we did things like, watch movies, watch TV, play video games, ALL while having at least one other adult person with us. Seriously, we did nothing to be on the floor broken over if he would have been taken from my life. We did however TALK while doing all things mentioned above. I am pretty sure we even talked just about the WHOLE movie through on any movie we have ever watched just Moon and I.

I can honestly say that I had NO idea that Moon had any sort of ‘feelings’ for me at all. At one point almost a year ago, a mutual friend made a comment to me that Moon liked me. I laughed it off and told him he was being silly and he was only making himself sound like a jealous friend. That there was no way that Moon had any sort of feelings for me. We were FRIENDS and that was all there was to it! I mean, I think that I would KNOW if someone ‘liked’ me. Moon had never said ONE thing to me make me feel like he had any INTEREST in me as any MORE than a friend, EVER. Oh, how naive can one really be??

It turns out Moon did like me, and I liked him in return.

I knew that with the situation Moon was in that I was NEVER going to be the one to express feelings. My plan of action was to remain the FRIEND that I had been when Moon needed someone to vent to about… the kids NOT listening for the hundredth time that day, the dinner that was RUINED by grandparents who think that you like making dishes that will go wasted due to their poor choices, the tenth load of laundry in the last 2 days, the overwhelming feeling of becoming ‘lost’ on the path to being the best parent you can, & mostly just the pleasure of conversations with an ADULT.

Things did not work the way I had planned. We spent MONTHS just hanging out when we could, and being there for the other whenever it was possible. During this time we found that we have similar likes and dislikes. We found that we have both experienced a loss that has changed us forever. We laughed, cried, giggled, yelled, encouraged, and eventually fell in love, together.

I fought it. I fought it so hard.

I was the nagging voice of reason for months, ‘There is no way we can do this, you can’t love me, you can’t let me love you. We have to stop this.’

Seriously, I was like a broken fucking record but it didn’t matter how much I tried there was no stopping US. We couldn’t do it. We couldn’t fight it, we still can’t (:

As much as I bitched and moaned I wanted it so bad, I was just too scared to believe that he was different, that I deserved to be loved, and that I could love back.

I was am scared to believe in US, to believe in forever, to just BELIEVE but, Moon is slowly making me believe again. Moon is showing me that there is, can be a forever that not everyone leaves, or gives up when things get ugly. Moon is reminding me what it feels like to let someone love you, all of you, not just the parts that they ‘want’ or ‘need’ but all of me. Moon means so much to me because Moon just may be, my SOUL MATE. Moon makes my SOUL happy. When we are together I feel him in my SOUL. I know it may sound crazy to some, but to me and the lucky few who have found their soul mate, it makes perfect sense.

In October big, scary, things started happening for US. I was still very much guarded during this time. Moon was slowly starting to break through the walls that I have built around me and my heart; I was actually starting to maybe believe. Then it happened and Moon and I went weeks upon weeks without communicating. There was no goodbye; no I will be unavailable for a few weeks, nothing, just no phone call or email or text message or Facebook message, no NOTHING.

For weeks.

What was I supposed to think? I had no idea he wasn’t going to be able to get in touch with me. And for me and my, oh so fucking fabulous past, I was convinced he was gone. That the going got tough and he got going.

I was broken. I was 1000% sure that he was like all the rest and he was gone. I didn’t think he was coming back. I hoped, I prayed, I wished, I cried, I screamed, I begged, for him to come back but deep down I didn’t believe he would.

I didn’t want to keep sending him all these sappy, sad, depressing, class 5 clinger, emails so I started to just keep them as drafts in my email instead. They slowly began to build up and seeing them every time I had to check an email was depressing. So, I started this. And with that, I am pretty sure we are up to date (:

That is the birth of this blog and a little back-story on US.

And remember….

 

A much needed reset.

Oh my where to begin? Today This afternoon was A M A Z I N G. It was exactly what I, we, US needed. It has been so long since we have had any real time together that I almost forgot how at peace I am with you. I wish I wouldn’t have had that thing to do tonight because I could have easily fallen asleep and probably stayed asleep for the night with you. I haven’t slept, really slept, in so long now. I spend much of the night tossing, turning, crying, and trying to silence the craziness in my head. I never truly have a peaceful sleep anymore. That will hopefully all change tonight (:

I want to write so much more. I want to tell you how absolutely beautiful you made today for me. I want to tell you how much I missed the tingle that you give me. I forgot how you make me FEEL everything. Today, laying with you I felt almost like I was plugged into an outlet and the electricity was flowing through me but it wasn’t electricity or an outlet that I was plugged into it was US finding each other again. The tingle was our souls finally being able to settle. I sometimes think that there is an invisible string tied from her to your words and I find your words often tugging gently on her while you steal the breath from me over and over again. Never has someone taken my breath so often or for so long. Usually the breath taking moments are few and far between but I find myself experiencing them several times a day an hour with you.

I missed you so much. I was so good at faking it and fooling everyone I made myself believe that I was better without you. I was wrong. So wrong. There is no me anymore, only US. I have never been good with faking it with you. right now, I’m thinking that is a good thing (:

Thank you for letting me be me, even if it is crazier than you deserve. I love you. I miss you. I’m coming to snuggle right now ………….

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right?

I was having a tough morning. I was having a pity party for myself actually. I had this very real, very vivid dream of us last night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep once I awoke. I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop worrying whether you love me or not. I know you do. I know that you loving me is not something I have to worry about. You do. Are you doing it the best way possible right now? Yea, not so much but hey shit happens in life. I have to remember that. There are fucked up things that happen that are out of our control and they don’t make you love me any less.

With all that being said I was still having a shitty morning. I still missed you. And then, I see that there are more comments than I knew and started reading through them. It always tickles me to see that there are people out there who take time out of their day to write me words of encouragement and caring. Thank you for that. Thank you so much to all of you Lovies out there who read my ramblings and heartache and still send your love. It means so much to me. Thank you also to those of you who don’t comment but simply take the time to read my ramblings, it helps just to know someone, somewhere, cares. While reading I come across a message that made me smile and tear up. I don’t really have the words to express how much this touched me. I am posting a copy of the comment below because I think that everyone who is hurting could find some peace after reading it.

Thank you so much my friend. Thank you for reminding me to believe in ME and not only US. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face. May the next 80ish days go by quickly and as painless as possible (:

Your soul is intact, my new friend. NO FORCE OR INDIVIDUAL can touch your inner being; it simply feels that way because of the level of your commitment to this person.
In time you’ll move on; someone new will stir your soul – and loins – and all this will be a painful – but strangely beautiful – memory. I say that because every experience , good or bad, serves to shape the person we’ll eventaully become.
And after all this, you’re going to become a stronger, wiser, more intelligent person who is prepared to love again – with everything you are.

Goodnight my Moon. I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.