I miss you. I love you. If you come back I will never say no to you again… I love you. Always.

Last night was amazing. I love you. Thank you for making me feel. Thank you for showing me all the love of US that I have been missing.

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you would come back… I’m drowning without you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asOQolzLCU0

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remind me what US feels like, please… I can’t remember at all.

I think I finally know why I can’t write to you. I think it is because I am so busy trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be focusing on US right now, that I have to be miserable because of what is going on around here. So instead I try to distract myself with humming, finger tapping, ring tapping, toe wiggling, leg tapping, remembering to breathe, important one to remember by the way, thanks for reminding me when I forget (:  I often find myself doing more than one of these at a times. 

Thanks for always being there. Thanks for understanding and not pushing too hard. Thanks for your constant love. As much as you amaze me I hate to tell you that I still think some mornings that you wont be around anymore, I don’t understand it, you try to break down these walls, you beg me to let you in, you whisper sweet nothings, you lay with me, you hold me. You lay with me, even when I wont let you hold or touch me, you still just lay there. Are you fucking serious?! Do you seriously see all the amazing things you do for me? Don’t you realize that I don’t deserve all that? I can’t give you all of those amazing things back. I don’t know how to love right. I don’t know how to process or accept the love you show me. It gives me panic attacks. To think that the love you have for me, for US, could ever be a constant is unimaginable to me.

Keep on Loving You just came on. Perhaps to slap me back to what I started this tonight for, to write to you. Not about my fears, panic, anxiety, crazy, brokenness. So that is what I am going to try to do.

I need US. I know that is why I am such a fucking mess right now. It has been weeks it seems like since we have been able to just be US. I don’t even fucking remember what it is like to get lost in US, which happens to be one of my favorite things ever! And for some fucked up reason I am trying to deprive myself of it. I don’t want to avoid US anymore. I want you to make me remember what US is. What US feel like? I don’t want you take my no’s or stop’s ANY LONGER, I know that you know how to get me back to US. I know that you always know what to do or say. You somehow know when I need the soft, gentle, coaxing and whispers. You know when I need to be loved. You know when and how to kiss my tears and accept them but also how to whisper them away.

You amaze me.

I am so sorry that I have been so untouchable lately. I am so sorry that I push you away every time you get close. I am sorry I ignore your kisses and touches. I want them. I want you.

I want US.

I know that there are parts of my life that are shit right now. But this, here, is for US. And everyone deserves an US. Even me. Even when my it feels like everything around me is crumbling, I still deserve to feel love. To feel your love.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for believing in US. Make me remember US in the morning, please. I might not believe in me. But I believe in you.

Goodnight my Moon. I missed you tonight. The moon was huge and about as bright and yellow as it could be and of course followed me everywhere reminding me of your love. I love you too.

 

Magical Moon filled ‘multiple’ make-up’s, throw in some Mufasa’s and a great case of the Mmmmmmm’s and that my dear is the recipe for an A M A Z I N G Monday.

 

Oh my, we made up for yesterday. Well, YOU made up for yesterday. I missed you. I love you. I am so thankful that you continue to love, care and fight for US. Thank you for sticking around through everything. I thought I was going to have this HUGE post tonight but US has other plans and I am so okay with that! I am, for once (: not complaining. We will have to mark this one on the calendar.

I love you. I can FEEL how much you love me. Pretty much Amazing-ness all around (: and THAT my dear is something worth KEEPing…

Desperately seeking Tingle…

Good morning my Moon. It was amazing waking up to you this morning. If you were apart of every morning that would be a good day. I was thinking of you in the shower this morning, I just bought some of my fav body wash, (that I have been avoiding getting more of because it reminds me so much of you), and the smell instantly brought back memories of 3am showers not too many months back. Ah, those were the good old days. When 3am showers were what was keeping me up at night, (not the monsters that now reside in my head). I felt good this morning when I was in the shower. I felt ALIVE. I was happy. I had already talked with you this morning, you started my morning with an I love you sunshine of my life (: That brought smiles to my face immediately. I mean who could not feel amazing when the one that completes them greets them as soon as their eyes open for the day? This is the first day to another weekend apart and since I have been feeling pretty good these last couple days I had high hopes this morning thinking that I would be fine this weekend. That I would carry that Tingle with me until Monday at least. That I could do this because you believe in me and I believe in you.

That was before the message I got today. The message that was NOT from you. The tingle that I have been so good at nurturing these last few days was ripped from this afternoon. My heart dropped as soon as I saw what time it had been sent. I knew that there was no way YOU were the one to send it because you weren’t around TO send it. I was trying not to panic. I was trying to take slow, deep, breaths. I was trying to shove the BEAST back into his hiding spot. It was really not working. He was there struggling, fighting back, it’s like I could feel his breath on my neck. Like he was right there breathing all that FEAR right onto me. Every negative thought I had ignored the past 4 days came slamming into me all at once. It was a horrible feeling. It really did feel like the wind was sucked out of me. The message was from another beast that has been haunting me these last few months. That beast that I am referring to is not someone I would like to communicate with at all. I have nothing to say to them. I don’t wish them anything but happiness but I have no desire to ever have to communicate with them, (but really if what I wish for at night, is to ever happen, then I might HAVE to communicate with them one day, and, in a sick way, I’m hoping I do HAVE to communicate with them at some point). Because the ONLY way I would ever have to communicate with them would be because we, would be US, and that is what I want with my everything. I want for we, to ALWAYS be US. I will do whatever it takes for US. I am hoping that you will too.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to suck. I am trying to remind myself to BELIEVE, I really am. It’s just so fucking hard when you are not here helping me. Reminding me of the love, the laughs, the happiness we share. I have been trying to find the spark to that tingle since I read it but I can’t seem to find it at all. Panic has set back in. I can feel the darkness creeping closer and closer. I am doing the best that I can without the help of that tingle I have been relying on the last few days. Silly that it seems so much harder to even recall the moments we shared these last few days without that silly tingle. It was so easy to get lost in the tingle and have the memories wash over me. I’m sure it sounds a bit ridiculous that I could get lost in a tingle but I’m serious, I really have been letting that tingle keep me happy, make me feel alive, reminding me that US is so worth it. I am trying to find that spark. I am trying to FEEL that tingle. I know that tingle is there, just below the surface trying to break through the icy exterior. Fighting to make me FEEL.

I am going to get out of this house before I go MAD!! I know I’m about two steps from mad as it is. I am hoping that the crisp winter air will refresh me. Give me that renewed feeling that I desperately need right now. I am going to remind myself to breathe. I am going to remind myself of US. I am going to remind myself that I BELIEVE in you. I am going to remind myself the FEEL of you. Most important I am going to remind myself of your LOVE.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you. I always do, I always will. I am trying my hardest to battle these demons.

 

You make my soul happy…

 Hey baby, I did it!! I believed in you the whole day. If I was starting to panic, I took a deep breath, thought about US and shoved the BEAST back to his hiding place, and guess what happened?!? You were there, you came back, we had another A M A Z I N G night (:

I am really starting to remember what a beautiful thing it is to FEEL your LOVE. I know that this is the way I was feeling before everything, it is just so easy to forget when there is none of you, reminding me, of US. I missed this; I missed US, so bad.

Your kisses, your whispers, your LOVE, EVERYTHING about US is so amazing and I am so happy I am remembering it all. I am so happy you are there fighting for US. I am so lucky you love me. I know that there will be days where I start to forget how to FEEL, LOVE, TINGLE. But I believe in my heart of hearts that this is worth it all. That US, is worth everything I have felt or not felt because what we have is MAGICAL.I know that when I start to lose sight of US, you will be there to remind me, to show me, to love me.

I wish I could stop time and just be in your arms forever. I could spend hours writing you how much I love you, how much I missed you, how much I will ALWAYS need you, but I prefer to show you instead. So I am going to end this post and snuggle up with you and let you whisper your sweet nothings into my ear as I drift off to dreamland where I will love you and be waiting for you forever.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you Forever….