I want you to be real. I want US to be real. I hope you do too… Do you?

I miss you. Thank you for listening, or pretending to listen, tonight. I’m sorry we took so long to talk and listen to each other, we used to be so good at it. I’m sorry if you feel like you can’t talk to me anymore, please know that you can, no matter what. I will never judge you for the way that you feel. 

Hearing you say that you miss US and want US back ignites a spark in my soul. I miss US so bad. I tried as hard as I could to push US to the back and block the feelings but I don’t want to any longer. I want to work on US. I want to make US work. I hope that you mean what you say. I hope that you are not filling me full of bullshit. Please don’t be.


I wish you were here.

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.


I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.







Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…   


Chills, shortness of breath, chest pain, tingling and I don’t mean the good kind… Just to name a few.

Panic attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame — up to 10 minutes — and associated with at least four of the following:

  • Sudden overwhelming fear
  • Palpitations
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Shortness of breath
  • Sense of choking
  • Chest pain
  • Nausea
  • Dizziness
  • A feeling of being detached from the world (derealization)
  • Fear of dying
  • Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
  • Chills or hot flushes

Generalized anxiety disorder is excessive and unrealistic worry over a period of at least six months associated with three of the following:

  • Restlessness
  • Easy fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Irritability or explosive anger
  • Muscle tension
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Personality changes such as becoming less social
So I finally gave in and Google’d some info on panic attacks and posted it.

I went to WebMd.com because isn’t that what you are supposed to do if you think there is something wrong with you? Who gets professional help anymore when you are sick or need something when you could easily self diagnose yourself at home from the comfort of your own bed? So, I am pretty sure that I am in fact having panic attacks, at least according to WebMD I am. I have made the symptoms I experienced in bold; of course I haven’t had them ALL at the same time. I am nauseous all the time and I have been known to be dizzy a time or two but not today or yesterday, that I can remember. I don’t really sleep much more but I do take some pretty amazing naps. Oh, yea and I guess sometimes I have been known to lose my train of thought, is it bad that sometimes its actually mid sentence? But as for the others I guess they are pretty spot on. Now I have a feeling that the above symptoms could mean a ton of other things but since I only Googled Panic attacks and not each symptom I have been experiencing an I am feeling extremely anxious lately I will just go with they are panic attacks and leave it at that. I refuse to let myself start to get trapped in the crazy world of ‘self diagnoses’ I can only imagine what I would come up with (:

I also posted the part about anxiety disorder because they were on the same little blip and since we are diagnosing we best be thorough. Luckily, I don’t feel like I have anxiety disorder because I don’t believe that my worry is unrealistic. I may be wrong about that and if good old Dr. WebMD could actually interact with me he may diagnose me differently but I don’t think so and since I am the doctor here, what I say goes. The joys of technology and modern medicine.

So lets be honest here the only reason I Google’d this shit was because I had to because I was starting a full on attack with you on the phone! And I knew there was no way I would be able to hide it and there is an even bigger NO way that I was going to let you have to witness that bullshit. So I tried to get out as quickly as possible without hurting you or your feelings but I finally had to just go and I am sorry for that.

I am sorry that I am a bitch sometimes. I am not always going to be nice and chipper and I am sure positive that I am going to piss you off at some point. I mean at some point I am going to do or say something that you aren’t going to agree with but I don’t think you will tell me. I think you are too nervous to upset me because I am so loony right now. I don’t think you would openly disagree with anything I say or do and that is only going to be worse for US in the long run, which gives me more anxiety, because if you hold it all in for me that is not good for YOU. And I want you to be as good to yourself as you are to me.

You deserve just as much as you think I do. And that is why I don’t think I am the best for you because I don’t know if I will ever be as good at loving as you are. I don’t think I will ever be able to openly love as well as you. You have set the bar so high I don’t think I could ever reach it. I want as much for you as you wants for me Moon, and I am so scared I won’t be able to give it to you. I am so so so so so so sorry for that.

I’m sorry that this happened today. I am sorry that I wasn’t able to hide it better or get off the phone sooner. I know we had such high hopes for today. Well, I know I did. And now I feel like I have ruined today. Ugh… I don’t know what else to say right now. I am exhausted. I guess 4 hours of sleep will do that to ya.

I love you. I love you so much. I am so tired.