Thanks for ignoring my calls tonight… I knew all this LOVE was bullshit.

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Oh my if I didn’t know where to begin before than I am really fucked now. Where do I even start with the last 2 weeks? We went from the depths of sadness into the loving arms of US in zeropointstupid seconds and my head is still spinning from it.

It is so hard to even imagine the last few weeks and the emotions and drama that have come with it. Tonight we will talk about the crazy. And whatever else pops out.

There is NO WAY for me to stop the pictures and images of you two in my head. I can’t stop it no matter what I try to do. And it always comes at the worst times. I am better at hiding it from you now, sometimes, especially when we are in the throes of intimacy and I am feeling more amazing than ever in places I never thought possible and BAM I imagine you doing these things to her, saying these things to her, using your mouth on her, her making you feel the way I make you feel, and that is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I mean, seriously, it has to be the biggest freaking moodsucker that I have ever encountered, and I have two kids under the age of 10 so I know all about moodsuckers. Not to mention how fucking hard it is to not just burst out and ask you questions and drill you on every emotion and thought that you have ever had about her because I seriously want to. I want to ask you and know every little tiny detail, even though I know it will kill me, and I don’t know why.

I mean the first words out of my mouth last night after I could breathe again were, ‘ Did you use a condom with her?’

Seriously?!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I just stop thinking about her and you?

Because it went on for MONTHS behind my back. And I am sure the tiny bit that I do know about is just that, a tiny fucking bit, and that there are so many more things that I don’t want to know.  But how do I tell my mind that? How do I make my craziness believe that I don’t want to know?

And speaking of believe. Don’t even get me started on how much I DON’T believe in this undying love bullshit. I know you tell me everyday. You look, actually look, into my eyes and tell me that you are mine, heart/body/soul and I don’t believe a freaking word of it.

I’m sorry.

You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

I’m sorry. I hate that you hate me. I hate me too… I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying it but I am.

I love you.

Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…   

 

You are my ONE unlike any other… And please help me unleash the WILD inside baby.

No matter what experiences you and your partner has been through, going through, or maybe even an ongoing conflict that keep you guys attitude pumping. There will always be a reason not to leave when u are deeply in love with that person. When your heart agrees with your brain and create a confirmed  understanding of what love really means. There are plenty reasons to leave, but there’s only one good reason to stay, and that’s the feelings of those who are soul mates. ~ written by LoveAdjust

 

Thank you for those beautifully written words Love (: Thanks for kicking my ass into gear and reminding that no matter what fear, anxiety, or CrAzInEsS I am feeling that there is always the ONE reason to stay…

Moon is my SOUL. And he is worth all of the above and so, so, much more.

I love you Moon. I am so sorry that I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved because I do. I know that I do. Everyone deserves to feel a love like US. I am so happy that I found you when I did. I don’t know if I would have appreciated a love like yours if I would have found you before now. So I guess for as broken as I am it has made me realize not to take your love for granted. That there are not many people who find a love like US. Thank you for showing me a love like you have. I promise that I will fight my hardest for US. I can’t promise that it will not be a crazy, wild, fucked up, ride but I promise to give it my all.

I love you.

Check out LoveAdjust’s original post here (:

You saved me…

Thank you. I love you. I don’t know what I would be doing without you right now. Well, actually I do and it’s not good, not good at all. I am here because of you. Thank you my Moon I love you more than you will ever know and don’t know how long you will continue to amaze me…

I don’t have the energy to say much else. Things are bad for me right now. You know. You don’t love me any less. I couldn’t love you anymore…

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I need you.