A scary dark pit, and a few things I do know. Or at least I think I do…

I have been sitting here staring at the computer for about 20 minutes now. There are so many different things that want to get out, they are all jammed up like they are stuck in a door jam because so many are trying to escape at the same time they are just piling up on top of each other so really none get out.

Did I lose you on that one? I think I almost lost myself but I can visualize it perfectly. I guess that means that they are supposed to stay there, locked up, where they belong. In that cold, dark, too dark, and scary place.

I struggle sometimes with the idea of writing or not because I wonder if what I am feeling or saying is too bad or dark to put out there so I just bottle it up. I want to say fuck it and just say what I feel like I usually do but something is holding me back. I hope things start changing soon because I am a bit frightened by the feelings I have been having and would really like the ‘comfort’ I feel when I am able to ‘write it out’.

I do know that you love me. I do know that you are Amazing Ridiculous. I do know that you amaze me every morning I wake up to a text, message, or voicemail. I do know that things would be so much worse without you. I do know that as hard as I try I can’t stop the pushing.

I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to fix me, fix this, fix US. Sadly I don’t even think I am fixable.

Goodnight my Moon. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

 

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.