Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

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Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

The Story of Us. Well, my version anyway (:

I have been asked a few times the ‘back-story’ on US. I had never thought to write one because this blog started out as emails that I was writing to him, who from this point on will be referred to, as Moon, but didn’t quite have the courage to hit the send button. My drafts folder of my email was getting bigger and I decided instead of keeping them in my email to just put them down in this blog so as to not have the CONSTANT reminder of Moon whenever I was on my email, which happens to be ALOT, sadly. Since I mostly write to Moon here I guess I have overlooked that someone might actually want to know where US came from. So I will try to do my best with The Story of US.

Let me start with, I have not yet decided just HOW much I am willing to put out here about my life, Moon’s life, and US. I know that as of now I am completely anonymous BUT you never know.

I have up until now ALWAYS considered myself to be a STRONG woman. I am quickly learning with the pain, and now fear, of losing Moon has brought with it the reality that I am no such thing. 

Here goes nothing…

I am a single mom of 2 boys with an unusual living situation, more on that perhaps another time. He is ‘in the process’ of learning to be a single dad with a son. We met YEARS ago through a mutual friend when we were BOTH single, but they were, ‘Hi, nice to meet you/see you again, Bye.’ types of encounters. We then lost touch for a while.

About a year ago we re-connected through the same friend. We were at the time both at home full time with our kids. We ended up spending LOTS of time together. Let me add that we were ALWAYS in the company of someone else, be it our kids or another mutual friend. We NEVER spent one on one time without at LEAST one of our 3 children present, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish even if we had tried.

We had much of the same interests and time so we ended up spending our ‘free’ time doing things together. When we first started spending time together we did things like, watch movies, watch TV, play video games, ALL while having at least one other adult person with us. Seriously, we did nothing to be on the floor broken over if he would have been taken from my life. We did however TALK while doing all things mentioned above. I am pretty sure we even talked just about the WHOLE movie through on any movie we have ever watched just Moon and I.

I can honestly say that I had NO idea that Moon had any sort of ‘feelings’ for me at all. At one point almost a year ago, a mutual friend made a comment to me that Moon liked me. I laughed it off and told him he was being silly and he was only making himself sound like a jealous friend. That there was no way that Moon had any sort of feelings for me. We were FRIENDS and that was all there was to it! I mean, I think that I would KNOW if someone ‘liked’ me. Moon had never said ONE thing to me make me feel like he had any INTEREST in me as any MORE than a friend, EVER. Oh, how naive can one really be??

It turns out Moon did like me, and I liked him in return.

I knew that with the situation Moon was in that I was NEVER going to be the one to express feelings. My plan of action was to remain the FRIEND that I had been when Moon needed someone to vent to about… the kids NOT listening for the hundredth time that day, the dinner that was RUINED by grandparents who think that you like making dishes that will go wasted due to their poor choices, the tenth load of laundry in the last 2 days, the overwhelming feeling of becoming ‘lost’ on the path to being the best parent you can, & mostly just the pleasure of conversations with an ADULT.

Things did not work the way I had planned. We spent MONTHS just hanging out when we could, and being there for the other whenever it was possible. During this time we found that we have similar likes and dislikes. We found that we have both experienced a loss that has changed us forever. We laughed, cried, giggled, yelled, encouraged, and eventually fell in love, together.

I fought it. I fought it so hard.

I was the nagging voice of reason for months, ‘There is no way we can do this, you can’t love me, you can’t let me love you. We have to stop this.’

Seriously, I was like a broken fucking record but it didn’t matter how much I tried there was no stopping US. We couldn’t do it. We couldn’t fight it, we still can’t (:

As much as I bitched and moaned I wanted it so bad, I was just too scared to believe that he was different, that I deserved to be loved, and that I could love back.

I was am scared to believe in US, to believe in forever, to just BELIEVE but, Moon is slowly making me believe again. Moon is showing me that there is, can be a forever that not everyone leaves, or gives up when things get ugly. Moon is reminding me what it feels like to let someone love you, all of you, not just the parts that they ‘want’ or ‘need’ but all of me. Moon means so much to me because Moon just may be, my SOUL MATE. Moon makes my SOUL happy. When we are together I feel him in my SOUL. I know it may sound crazy to some, but to me and the lucky few who have found their soul mate, it makes perfect sense.

In October big, scary, things started happening for US. I was still very much guarded during this time. Moon was slowly starting to break through the walls that I have built around me and my heart; I was actually starting to maybe believe. Then it happened and Moon and I went weeks upon weeks without communicating. There was no goodbye; no I will be unavailable for a few weeks, nothing, just no phone call or email or text message or Facebook message, no NOTHING.

For weeks.

What was I supposed to think? I had no idea he wasn’t going to be able to get in touch with me. And for me and my, oh so fucking fabulous past, I was convinced he was gone. That the going got tough and he got going.

I was broken. I was 1000% sure that he was like all the rest and he was gone. I didn’t think he was coming back. I hoped, I prayed, I wished, I cried, I screamed, I begged, for him to come back but deep down I didn’t believe he would.

I didn’t want to keep sending him all these sappy, sad, depressing, class 5 clinger, emails so I started to just keep them as drafts in my email instead. They slowly began to build up and seeing them every time I had to check an email was depressing. So, I started this. And with that, I am pretty sure we are up to date (:

That is the birth of this blog and a little back-story on US.

And remember….

 

A much needed reset.

Oh my where to begin? Today This afternoon was A M A Z I N G. It was exactly what I, we, US needed. It has been so long since we have had any real time together that I almost forgot how at peace I am with you. I wish I wouldn’t have had that thing to do tonight because I could have easily fallen asleep and probably stayed asleep for the night with you. I haven’t slept, really slept, in so long now. I spend much of the night tossing, turning, crying, and trying to silence the craziness in my head. I never truly have a peaceful sleep anymore. That will hopefully all change tonight (:

I want to write so much more. I want to tell you how absolutely beautiful you made today for me. I want to tell you how much I missed the tingle that you give me. I forgot how you make me FEEL everything. Today, laying with you I felt almost like I was plugged into an outlet and the electricity was flowing through me but it wasn’t electricity or an outlet that I was plugged into it was US finding each other again. The tingle was our souls finally being able to settle. I sometimes think that there is an invisible string tied from her to your words and I find your words often tugging gently on her while you steal the breath from me over and over again. Never has someone taken my breath so often or for so long. Usually the breath taking moments are few and far between but I find myself experiencing them several times a day an hour with you.

I missed you so much. I was so good at faking it and fooling everyone I made myself believe that I was better without you. I was wrong. So wrong. There is no me anymore, only US. I have never been good with faking it with you. right now, I’m thinking that is a good thing (:

Thank you for letting me be me, even if it is crazier than you deserve. I love you. I miss you. I’m coming to snuggle right now ………….

And when you’re down, you’re down….

I don’t remember how many days it has been since we talked. I got your Facebook message for V day. I guess I should say thanks but I don’t really want to. I have been trying to keep myself busy and distracted so that I don’t have the time to sit and be sad about US. It might actually be working a bit because I am fine until the world is quiet. When the world gets quiet all the sadness and loneliness creeps back in. I try to keep it at bay. I’m not very good at it though.

I have been avoiding writing to you for days now. I know that if I sit here and let my fingers flow the love of US will start to take over and I can’t have that happening it is so hard already that if I allow myself to feel the love I will be fucked. I have been keeping it all locked up, the good and the not so good all in there together, running amok and driving me insane. I want to let them out but it is so much easier for me to keep them on lock down. If I don’t let them remind me it is easier to fake it to myself. Can you believe that? I am so fucking bad now that I even have to try to get myself to believe the fake? I HATE fake. It is everything I am not. I am so in your face real it is annoying I’m sure but you know what that is what I like. I need in your face, brutal, honesty.

This reminds me of a post that The Sinkable Molly Brown did not so long ago. She posted something that took my breath away. Made me think that she had been shuffling around inside my brain and pulled the thoughts right out and put them to beautiful, painfully honest, words. I think I may post a copy here for you all to read. I have been trying for so long to put to words how broke I am and why but have never been able to find the words. She found them.

“Now, because of him, I feel punished when “ignored” and I feel ignored when I’m not being talked to. Note to self: no one is ignoring you, they’re just busy, calm the fuck down. But I CAN’T calm down, because when lack of communication is used to make your insides turn and wonder, when it’s used as a form of sick mind games and mental torture, I assume the worst. And it isn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling like this is preventable. Mixed signals are my worst enemy. I need brutally honest, because my mind will go to the worst possible reason, I WILL assume the worst. I will assume you hate me, that you’re making fun of me and my wanting to talk to you.”

Thank you for this Ms. Molly. I hope you don’t mind that I posted it if you do I will gladly remove it. And like you said, ‘We got this!’ <333

Goodnight my Moon. I miss you. I love you. I am sorry I have to do this on my own.

No matter where my reckless SOUL takes me…

This just came on; it took my breath away as soon as I heard it. An image of you flashed in my mind. I miss you. I need you today. I need you everyday but I really need you today. Life is not my friend lately. I had a moment of sheer panic today. I jumped in the car and started driving. Tears running down my face, rain pouring on the windshield I just drove. I ended up by the beach. I drove and stared out the window through the blur of tears. It wasn’t safe. I wasn’t safe tonight and I didn’t care. I drove as close to the yellow line as possible tonight. I didn’t care if I got hit. I just wanted to be done. I wasn’t going to do anything stupid like jerk my wheel to the left and just see where it took me, the thought barely crossed my mind, barely, I just wasn’t going to go out of my way to NOT make anything happen tonight.

I kept repeating they need you; they need you, in my head over and over. I may feel at times that I am not enough but they are they ALWAYS will be. And of course so are you. But tonight I couldn’t take it any longer. There is so much going on right now.

You know, you still love me. You won’t let me push you away. You are my rock right now. You save me. I want to write more but I have been putting off packing for too long now. I must go pack for the trip. I hope I make myself go I think I need this.

I love you. I miss you.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right?

I was having a tough morning. I was having a pity party for myself actually. I had this very real, very vivid dream of us last night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep once I awoke. I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop worrying whether you love me or not. I know you do. I know that you loving me is not something I have to worry about. You do. Are you doing it the best way possible right now? Yea, not so much but hey shit happens in life. I have to remember that. There are fucked up things that happen that are out of our control and they don’t make you love me any less.

With all that being said I was still having a shitty morning. I still missed you. And then, I see that there are more comments than I knew and started reading through them. It always tickles me to see that there are people out there who take time out of their day to write me words of encouragement and caring. Thank you for that. Thank you so much to all of you Lovies out there who read my ramblings and heartache and still send your love. It means so much to me. Thank you also to those of you who don’t comment but simply take the time to read my ramblings, it helps just to know someone, somewhere, cares. While reading I come across a message that made me smile and tear up. I don’t really have the words to express how much this touched me. I am posting a copy of the comment below because I think that everyone who is hurting could find some peace after reading it.

Thank you so much my friend. Thank you for reminding me to believe in ME and not only US. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face. May the next 80ish days go by quickly and as painless as possible (:

Your soul is intact, my new friend. NO FORCE OR INDIVIDUAL can touch your inner being; it simply feels that way because of the level of your commitment to this person.
In time you’ll move on; someone new will stir your soul – and loins – and all this will be a painful – but strangely beautiful – memory. I say that because every experience , good or bad, serves to shape the person we’ll eventaully become.
And after all this, you’re going to become a stronger, wiser, more intelligent person who is prepared to love again – with everything you are.

Goodnight my Moon. I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.

I know you’re SOMEWHERE out there. . .

My song to you tonight and EVERy night. . .

Rawr

The Bitching Hour…

I was doing ‘okay’ tonight. Pouring ALL of the sadness and longing I have for you into this new blog. I actually thought I could do this, I could MAKE it thru this bullshit life I am trying to live, without you today.

Ha Ha Ha… that LASTED until I looked at the clock and saw that it was AFTER 8pm and I would be spending NO time with you, AGAIN….. & it was hard to take a FULL breath AGAIN, and the pain of holding the tears back CAN’T be held back any longer and they just start FLOWING…..

Well, back to trying to keep myself Busy, maybe I will play some firefight….

Until we meet again……..