I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Too sad to write much more than a title… And this can hardly be called a Title.

saddest tears

I’m all done being sad.

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I don’t want you to make me sad anymore.

I don’t want to have to worry about who you are with or what you are doing any longer.

Do whatever the fuck it is you want. With whoever the fuck you want to do it with.

Just forget about me… Like you did when you were driving with those chicks last night and later when you were WAY too busy to respond to me. At all.

Rude.

No, no, I promised time and I’m going to do that. HA! This bullshit makes my stomach turn.

This is what I wanted right? This is what I kept telling you to do. Forget about me. Don’t love me. Give up on me, I have given up on myself long ago. Meet new people. Find a new love. *gag, puke, vomit, hyperventilate, cry, scream, fight the darkness, etc.*

Aren’t these all the things I have been begging for weeks over now? Yea, I thought so too. Funny how when you get what you want it ends up fucking biting you in the ass.

It just frustrates me so much though. I trusted you. I trusted your stupid little won’t leave you, love you with my heart and soul, blah-bitty, blah bullshit when everything in me told me to fight it. To not trust these silly moments of amazing that couldn’t possibly be real. But no, I didn’t listen. I chose to believe in the bullshit and to ignore the warning.

And now look where I am. Right fucking where I started but more broken and hurt than ever before. Questioning everything. Wondering if any of it was real. Trying hard to fight the darkness that is edging closer while at the same time begging for it to take me. To just swallow me whole and let me be. And if it isn’t going to take me then someone please wake me the fuck up from this nightmare. Shake me like a fucking Etch A Sketch, until none of this exists anymore and all the memories and pain are erased.

You could have just left long ago. You didn’t have to hold on and wait at home. You didn’t have to break me. You didn’t have to try to prove my Love doesn’t exist theory was crap. You didn’t have to make me feel like a fucking quickie, not even worth your time, less important than homies and Walmart-Fucking Bitch.

This is why I didn’t want to get excited for Sunday. I never thought it would happen anyway. I guess I just kinda hoped I was wrong. I hate when I am right.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with you was your unconditional love. I have spent much of my life chasing, begging, and waiting for love. Never expecting to find it. Well not the unconditional, can’t live without you, feel it in the depths of my soul, kind of love.

Then I met you.

You tried to convince me that a love like US existed. You were so persistent. You never tired of loving me. Slowly you pecked away at the wall surrounding my heart and planted your tiny seeds of believe. You worked nonstop at nurturing and loving the tiny seeds, making sure they blossomed and bloomed.

For what?

Nothing. For fucking N O T H I N G.

 

 

 

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One final thing before I pretend to sleep for the next few hours… I have a feeling that March did not get the memo. Here’s a friendly reminder.

 

and if you can’t follow simple instructions… Then please just FUCK OFF!

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I miss US. I need US. Is it tomorrow yet? Urghhhhhhh……

You can call me, She who walks with Crushed Spirit. And I love you. And this space ba r is a p i e c e of SHAT!!

 

Feeling a bit…

WhAt-ThE FuCk-EvEr

at the moment. And I have obviously been beating the shit out this here keyboard and the spacebar is giving me a FUCK YOU and sticking down constantly. How annoying. Wish I was more keyboard savvy (: I don’t think I am going to fix the spacebar issues because it is annoying me so much to keep                   backspacing.

See what I mean!!

Today sucked. Yesterday sucked. My spacebar sucks. What the fuck do we got going on tomorrow?  More sucky-ness I’m sure…

Goodnight my Moon. I lo v e you.I miss you. I wish this sb would fuckoff already!!Now it issticking down completely. Booooooo on it.

 

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

Does anyone else sense a wee bit of anger?

I have nothing to say to you tonight, nothing nice, nothing bad, nothing sweet, nothing mean, nothing, just fucking nothing. Well, I take that back there may be something..…………