I’ve finally lost it.
I can’t do this anymore.
I love Him.
I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul.
I have so many unfinished posts. I might try to spend the morning sorting thru and posting. I don’t know how long I’ll last but is worth a try. I’ve got nothing better to do right now anyways.
Being sick sucks.
So I lasted about 20 seconds before I was interupted and now I’m sitting in the bean bag hiding out trying to figure out how its the early hours of the am again when I started this shortly after the sun rose yesterday I guess.
I tried to look at how many unfinished posts I have but it’s overwhelming. There are so many. I have so many tear filled letters to you. I don’t think I will ever stop writing to you. I dont think I will ever stop loving you. I dont think anyone will ever replace you.
I know that none of those things are true for you when it comes to me.
There was a time that you thought you loved me. There was a time that hearing my voice gave you butterflies and the thought of being next to me got you hard…
Now I am barely an ancient memory to you.
Fuck you Friday. You sucked like I knew you would.
Posted by moon lover on February 7, 2015
So I’ve been told not to blog.
I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.
You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.
I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.
It was amazing.
I wasn’t searching for you.
None of your features were blurred.
It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.
We weren’t fighting.
We weren’t hiding from anyone.
You didn’t reject me.
We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.
It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.
I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.
It was amazing.
I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.
I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.
So I did.
And now this.
Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.
But I didn’t.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I’m weak when it comes to your love.
I will fall for it everytime.
I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)
I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.
You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.
So who are you lying to?
There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.
What is it?
You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.
Who would I tell?
I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?
And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?
Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?
I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.
I started this last night.
As we were arguing via text.
Before you text me and called me.
Before we Skype’d.
Before we spent time just being US.
Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.
Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.
I miss that so bad.
I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.
I missed the way you make me laugh.
I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.
I’m sure it was a mistake.
I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.
I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.
I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.
I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.
I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.
And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.
On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!
Posted by moon lover on October 18, 2014
I’ll do all my writing in picture quotes from now on.
Thank you Amanda Torroni for saying it so perfectly for me.
Posted by moon lover on September 14, 2014
I haven’t let myself post in a long time.
It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.
I’ve died a little bit more every second.
I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.
I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.
But I’m aware of it.
I’m very aware of it.
It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.
I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.
I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.
But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.
I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.
Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.
So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…
This too shall pass…
Posted by moon lover on September 12, 2014
I would have loved you forever. The good kind of love.
I don’t even know what to say or where to begin because there is so much crashing around up there.
I keep replaying a conversation I had with Him recently. He was yelling/telling me how I am wasting my time looking for the kind of love that doesn’t exist. He was trying to convince me how I should give in and have sex with him, how that would be the best solution to our ‘problems’ (which are pretty much he wants sex and I don’t, I should though because if I just gave in it would probably make things less tense here but I can’t do it because I’m stuck on stupid and don’t see myself with anyone else but you which is fucking ridiculous because you don’t ever want to be with me again so if I am basically sentencing myself to a life of sexual misery…)
See what I mean about I don’t know where to begin.
I can’t even explain all the crazy that is going on inside of me right now.
I am having a hard time making any kind of decision without thinking of how it would affect you or US. I have spent years planning each step with the end destination being US.
I am still making decisions with the thought of you and I in mind but you aren’t a part of the equation anymore. I am left alone. I don’t have you there to tell me it’s okay. I don’t have you there to love me or care for me.
Nobody cares for me anymore.
I have to take care of everyone but there is no one here to take care of me.
I don’t have a lot of things without you anymore…
I miss just staring at each other with big dumb smiles on our face.
I miss looking up and seeing that you are looking at me smiling your sexy smirk.
I miss getting butterflies at the drop of a hat.
I miss struggling to catch my breath because you keep stealing it away for all the right reasons.
I miss the way I feel when I’m with you.
I miss the way all you had to do was whisper, ‘come here baby…’ and I immediately I felt the tingles begin as well as safe, secure & loved.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and you being there loving me back to sleep.
I miss the way you held me, before and after.
I miss the way we could spend hours lost in each other but still never quite get enough.
I miss the way it didn’t matter how many times if you said more she was ready and responding.
I’m depressing myself.
Do you miss any of these things?
Did you even feel any of these things?
Did I make them all up?
I’m convinced I had the wildest and crazy dream about you last night. It felt so real, I could hear you say everything you used to and I’m pretty sure due to sleep deprivation.
Posted by moon lover on July 16, 2014