To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This might be my favorite Keep Calm ever. Don’t tell anyone, wink, wink.

Is it bad that this brought one of the first genuine smiles in awhile? I think so too…

Posting this makes me feel so naughty (: 

Goodnight, again, my Moon. I still love you. I still miss you. Just a whole lot more now.

The T.M.I Award… take 2,332,222,124… you suck WordPress!!

Why when my head is loudest is it so hard to write to you? I would think that with all the screaming thoughts up there I would at least be able to pull something out and get it down. But nope. Not a chance. So I am putting on some Pandora and hoping to remedy that. In lighter news….

I was nominated for The T.M.I Award (:

SexualLifeOfAWife nominated me. I think she ROCKS, and I thought so BEFORE she nominated me (: Thanks so much for nominating me, thank you even more for your kind words and support, you often bring a warmth to my heart with your encouraging words when things are darkest. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (:

She makes some AMAZING lovin’ with her hubby, and you know I am a sucker for A M A Z I N G (: and BARES it all on her blog. Check it out. Now! Hereis the link again in case you didn’t see the first one (:

 

The T.M.I Award

 

Here’s the low down on it….

The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

Here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who presented you with the award.
  •  Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
  •  Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
  •  Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
  •  Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
  •  Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

 

My awkward, embarrassing & intimate story…

OhEmGee… This is still anonymous right?! Hope so, here goes nothing or maybe everything (:

For my birthday a few years back my family and friends through me a little get together at a local bar. Well, I had recently met a new friend in my Psych class that had just moved across country and seemed like a pretty cool chick so I invited her to come along. I didn’t know at the time that she ‘wanted’ me, until we were about 4 drinks in that is. After that it was pretty apparent that she did indeed want to be ‘Lez-be-friends’, which btw I do not have a problem with, I have been known to bat for both teams, just NOT in front of my FAMILY. I spent much of the evening dodging her advances in front of my family except for a drunken moment in the bathroom…

Long story a bit shorter at the end of the evening we have all piled into the DD cars for the night and fuck it, I am calling her Boobs, Boobs got in my car (of course) with my MOM, sister, and my mom’s best friend. I was pretty confident that I had avoided any prying eyes now that the evening was wrapping up.

Boy was I wrong.

As we are driving along home, listening to some music and trying not to get too car sick from all the Pink Panty Droppers we had enjoyed Boob’s not so quietly leans over into my seat and says as LOUD as she fucking can, ‘ Hey, are we still gonna hook up tonight like we talked about in the bathroom?!’

I almost fucking DIED…

I gave her a small smile and completely ignored her question as though I never heard it and hope that everyone else was just as tipsy as I, although my mom was DD…

We did hook up… It was my birthday for fucks sake (:

PS. This took me almost a full 24 hours to get this to post. I don’t know why. But I did and I will be nominating people in the very near future… Sorry if you have already been nominated and also if you don’t want to do it when I nominate you… Fuck it (:

 

Let’s face it… You my dear, are a dirty little secret…

My oh my where do I start tonight? I am, of course, all over the place. You have spent the past few days since, what shall we call it…the Event I guess, oooh, oh so creative I am these days, anywhoo you have spent the last few days since the Event making sure I know that you are so happy with the way things are so far. You message me in the morning, you call me throughout the day, you text me goodnight and I wish you were here’s, you make sure to send me a quick this reminded me of you text and I love it, I love all of it! But I am still in the dark, complete fucking blackness, I’m talking not even a sliver of fucking light in here, about the scenes and conversations that led up to and surrounded said Event. Nothing. It’s like what happened was just another day in the life, no big deal, not life changing at all for you.

That concerns me. Why is that? Why, no HOW could Event take place and yet you are as chipper as a fucking candy striper down at the old folk’s home? I don’t get it? I am a wreck over it. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t eat. I cry thinking about Little Man and how he is taking all of this. But you, you are just living the life. Solo. No worries it seems. Which kind of fucking pisses me off actually. If you are really taking all of this so nonchalantly I want to know why. How could you have no hurt feelings over this? I mean part of me wants you to be hurting for the changes to your ‘family’ from this because I am. I am hurting for you all right now. So I am hoping wishing, that you are just trying to be strong for me and not let me see the hurt that you are feeling because you are just not yet that comfortable with US yet. You are not ready for me to see you so vulnerable.

I am also feeling a bit bitchy about the way things are when we have conversations and others are around. I think I want to touch on this topic for a wee bit if you don’t mind. Let me just say this now, I would MUCH rather you NOT talk to me when others are around if you feel like you have to treat me like one of your ‘dudes’. I am NOT your dude! I never will be, if you want to start treating me like ‘one of the boys’ then I will in return stop treating you the way a woman would treat her man no matter if we are in a packed auditorium or soul survivors of the universe. I am not just some random buddy that is calling to check on your fantasy football! It’s me, your everything remember! So do you think you could at least do me the common courtesy to NOT answer your phone if you have to treat me like a normal every day common Joe instead of someone you might try to show a little fucking emotion with! I really think it’s rude to have to just be like, ‘Howdy, I’m just about to eat, Oookay, well, uhh… bye then.’ Followed by a mushy gushy I love you so much baby, sunshine of my life text. Seriously!?! Just fucking hit IGNORE next time. I mean, I get it, I know WHY things are the way they are for now but please don’t make me feel like nothing. I think I at least deserve that. I at least deserve to be treated like someone worthy of your time and emotion when we interact and not just your dirty little secret. If you aren’t able to be ‘normal’ then I understand, it’s not a good time, you are busy, something is going on, I get it, just don’t answer and treat me like nobody. Okay sorry, I am being ridiculous here.

I don’t know maybe I am just reading too much into this and the feelings you did or did not have were as you said and that is why this is so ‘easy’ for you. Perhaps it feels right for you. You seem like you can take full breaths now. You have a sort of ‘chipperness’ to you now when we talk. That makes me a little less sad, it makes me smile that you are able to feel that free-ness, that you are able to sound ALIVE again. I missed that in you. You were so alive in the beginning. So full of laughs and life. I used to love to just sit back and listen to you and Little Man play; I loved his demanding little, ‘Iron Man daddy, Iron Man!!!!’ Your muffled speech through the helmet makes me smile just thinking about it (: The laughs and chuckles were priceless. I hope you get to share these moments often. I know how much he means to you. I hope you don’t lose the closeness you two share, in all of this.   

I wish you would open up to me. Let me in to whatever is going on inside of your head right now. I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me. I am stronger than you think or I believe. I can’t take it. Don’t let my tears fool you. I cry but it doesn’t mean that I am weak! Crying makes me stronger. Crying lets me know that I will be okay. The tears that fall just encourage me more; ignite the flame that burns inside. I am fully aware that maybe you ought to find YOU in this process. And I am okay if by finding YOU, you need to let go of me. It’s what is most important in all of this. If after everything that has happened you don’t end up finding you then you should have just stayed where you were.

I am being an oversensitive bitch right now but hey, you know this about me, I never hid it from you (: I am a high maintenance, overly sensitive, class 5 clinging, bossy, nosey, LOUD, bitchy SUPER CRIER that demands to be treated like a Queen (: You know all of this and still say you love me. You’re either a keeper or a myth, think I’m gonna try to keep ya…

I will get off of my soapbox now. I am done telling you how to deal with what I consider to be, your problems, while I do NOTHING to deal with my own demons (: I am much better at telling others what I think (: it’s what I do…

I am going to say goodnight now my Moon. I miss you. I miss my nights being filled with you, with US. I miss just laying and breathing and loving.

Rawr………