Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

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There is not an ounce of believe left… Now what the hell do I do?

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I’m failing. I’m losing all believe I had. I don’t know of I’ll get it back. I’m fearing I won’t.

I’m sorry.

I wish you all the best. I truly do. I just don’t think I’m the one for you.

I wish I believed still…

I’m so sorry. I miss your love already. The last few nights without you have been miserable, sleepless, and what little sleep I do drift into is so nightmare filled is rather be awake…

Enough whining for now I suppose.

Ugh….

This is what happens when you are not around to save me… I give up.

she worth it

I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am.

Just reading through July makes me want to puke. You were treating me like shit. I was in the same place I am now.

And it was all because you were with her.

Or trying to be with her.

Whatever it was you were FUCKING doing with whomever the fuck you were doing it with….

Hope it was worth it.

I’m going to keep reading through July. And then I am going to make myself read through the rest of the bullshit too. So I can remind myself why it is that I need to be done with US.

Because I’m done.

I can’t allow myself to hurt like this again. You shouldn’t want me to hurt like this again, not if you love me.

But that’s right. You don’t love me. I forgot….

Fuck.

I don’t know if you will ever be there again… And it sets me into a panic, I don’t know how to be without US. I love you.

I’m sitting in my car. With the laptop. Trying to convince myself to keep breathing. It’s not really working.

I’m so confused. A little bit sad. Kinda mad. A tons more hurt.

I love you though. I have learned that no matter what my love for you will always be.

Be safe.

 

 

 

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

Today sucks, and I’ve only been up for a few hours… I can hardly wait for the rest of the day.

Today is one of those days. The kind of day where I don’t want to get out of bed but the thought of being left alone with my thoughts is enough to get me rushing out  of bed.

I was weak again today. I called you as soon as I could muster up enough energy to get my head off the pillow. You were busy. You are always busy. I feel like I am interrupting you all the time now. It is a horrible feeling. Maybe it would have been best if none of this ever happened.

I’m sure you wish the same.

Dying sounds better than living right now…

I miss you. I am trying to battle this demon on my own. For the first time in a long time I am scared. Why do I flinch if startled? Why am I  constantly startled because I am so distracted with my thoughts? Why am I here?….

I was going to try to write to you tonight, to keep myself busy and distracted, but I can tell already that I am in too dark of a place to do that.

So, instead I will say I hope you are right and that this, US, is worth it but I have to say that I am not convinced.

Run

Run as fast as you can Moon. Don’t look back…

I’m sorry. I am so sorry…

 

 

Title-less…..

Don’t have much too say today either. Life and I are not on speaking terms but… I think if you….

Then maybe, just maybe, things will start looking up. Or at least I will be so distracted that it won’t fucking matter for awhile…

I miss you. I am sorry I am being so whiney and weak lately. I hope Life stops being such a douche bag soon!!

I love you. I hope I will see you tonight so we can test my idea…

 

 

You saved me…

Thank you. I love you. I don’t know what I would be doing without you right now. Well, actually I do and it’s not good, not good at all. I am here because of you. Thank you my Moon I love you more than you will ever know and don’t know how long you will continue to amaze me…

I don’t have the energy to say much else. Things are bad for me right now. You know. You don’t love me any less. I couldn’t love you anymore…

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I need you.