You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

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My Drafts Folder was overflowing… So posting everything possible into one seemed fitting. Sorry it’s a long one.

silence and tears

 

Starting with the following these are all the drafts that I have left of US, that are post worthy some are just a touch too personal.

Here goes nothing…

A Soul Most Vulnerable…

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

Not Titled….

It’s 11:11 and I’ve pretty much made it thru the day. Only the loneliest of times are left now until the sunrise and we fake it all again.

Oh how I miss my wishes from when life was filled with us.

Now I’m just wishing to make it to the next breath…

Well, that and a case of amnesia so I can forget everything US and not hurt so fucking bad.

I’m sure you’re doing just fine, as usual.

You have the legs of a ballerina… And other beautiful moments that got me through this hell like day.

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?