My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Oh yea I almost forgot… Happy fcking Easter.

life moves on

Dear Universe,

It’s been another holiday to add to the craziness. I survived it the best I could. I had a mini meltdown about Moon lastnight.

I made it through it.

It has left me thinking about him a lot today. I know that I have come a long way. I know that I have accepted that there is no longer love between US. But what I have realized is that there was a part of me somewhere that still thought he would be back. It took me by surprise. It always does when something is put in my face and there are cold hard facts to prove how gone he really is but this was different. I’m immediately saddened again by the loss of him, again. I already did this. I already accepted that he was gone.

But I didn’t accept that he was never coming back.

I didn’t understand how long of a process it would be to let him truly go.

It is so upsetting because as soon as I think I’ve come so far I’m faced with the reality that I’m not any closer than I was the day he walked away.

I’m so tired of loving him. I wish I truly could just turn it off the way he did. I wish I would have known that we were playing pretend, then I wouldn’t have taken the words/promises/love that was made to soul, I could have just spouted fakeness and called it a day.

But no, I was stupid and thought we were being real.

Look where that got me.

Months later I’m still being faced with the love I have for a man who forgot I exist.

Now I’m accepting that he truly will never be back. I’m going to go the rest of my days without hearing his words, feeling his love, looking into his eyes. He’s never going to wrap his arms around me. He’s never going to be there again.

I’ve already forgotten his voice. I can’t remember what his whispers sound like anymore. I struggle to remember and then I immediately beg to forget.

Yea.. story of my life.

I haven’t cried for US in almost a week now, you don’t linger in my every thought… I’m finally letting you go like you did to me so many moons ago.

see that girl I’m eating popcorn and Butterfinger Bites washing em down with good ol’ h2O while watching the Bachelor.

Don’t judge.

I’m trying not to hate on love.

I’m trying not to hate on you. I think it’s working, for the most part. I mean.. I still haven’t really shed any tears for you/US. I still feel ‘okay’.

I have dreamt of you the last several nights. They have been odd. I don’t really remember much about them, I know that we are not a couple usually. For the first time in forever when I wake up I’m not begging and screaming for you, there aren’t tears running down my face and I’m not gasping for breath.

But the sadness is still there sometimes.

These feelings of ‘okay’ are so taboo for me that I am silently waiting for all the pain/tears/hurt/sadness/darkness from the loss of US to come slamming back but I kinda don’t think it will and I am more than ready to accept that.

I can finally see a future without you in it. I can finally see a day where I’m not looking/waiting for you every second.I have finally went days without crying for you. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

My soul screams sad.

My mind longs for happy.

I’m not feeling anything.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m hoping by letting go of you and feeling everything without trying to deny or ignore I’m going to be able to love better after this.

One of my biggest fears is I won’t be able to love again. But i think by doing this the right way and not running and pretending to love the closest thing i can, that in the end the love i will be able to offer will be real honest and true.

I won’t tell someone they’re my everything and my world, that i couldn’t live without them or imagine a world without our love only to tell someone else those exact same things almost simultaneously, like you did.

The next time i tell those things to someone I’ll mean them.

Just like i did with you every time i said them, right up until you finally got caught and had to tell me you’d been lying and cheating on me. And still even after, when my heart and soul wouldn’t give up and the love we shared still lingered, I meant it then too. I always have and always will.

I think I’m ‘okay’ only when you’re out of sight/out of mind. . . And you’re rarely out of mind.

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I have been sitting here thinking of so much to write but really I don’t have anything to write here. I don’t feel anything when it comes to US anymore.

I honestly never thought that day would come. I hoped and wished for this day to come every second since that summer night that my world came shattering down, but I truly never thought it would really come. I kinda always thought that I would hang on to this sad love story forever but I guess the time has come.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there will be days or moments that the realization of losing you brings me to my knees or tears will spring to my eyes, but on the daily I feel nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

I have spent so much time and energy the last few years on the love that I had for you/us that I almost forgot what life was like without you in it. I literally had to train myself to not make choices with you/us in mind. I had to constantly remind myself that you didn’t want me anymore. Over and over I had to stop myself from reaching out to you. For months when the phone rang or text came I wished it would be from you. You had become such a huge part of my world that it has taken more time than I would like to admit for me to accept your gone.

But the day has come.

I wonder if that makes you happy? I wonder if you even remember I exist. And then I immediately try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I will never know the answers to those or any other questions I still have and oddly I am totally okay with that.

I am okay without you.

And then. . It’s 2am and I’m staring into the dark and it’s not long before the sadness creeps in and I’m reminded that I’m nothing to you. .

And well, that hurts a little more than I remember and now I find it difficult to remind myself that I’m okay without your love.

Are you okay without mine? Do you even remember what my love felt like? Was I not good enough at loving you? Why was my love not good enough for you? Will my love be good enough for anyone? Could anyone love me? Does it matter if they can because I don’t think I have any love left to give anyone. I guess that is kind of a good thing because that means no one can hurt me the way you have ever again.

Right? !

Yea.. so apparently it’s one of those nights.

Fuck nuggets I was hoping the okay would have held out a little longer than half a post. FML

I started this days ago… I’m just now barely able to post it. I’m always just barely breathing.

life moves on

I can’t breathe. I’m writing to try to survive. I am stupid. I was super weak this morning. I am sorry. I have spent over a year now on very little sleep. I looked you up on Facebook. I haven’t in so long. I didn’t even know what I would be able to see since we aren’t ‘friends’ anymore. I was able to see more than I wish I had. I can’t believe you posted a song that has been haunting me for days. You posted it days after it had made it’s presence known over here. I posted it before even thinking about ‘looking for you’.

The breath stealer/heart wrencher/soul crusher? In case all of that isn’t fucking enough. I was also able to see how lovey dovey you and her are. I was able to witness the ‘love’ you guys have. I had to rush to the bathroom to puke. Literally. I have first hand proof that I don’t exist in your world anymore. I am barely a distant memory to you. Everything I gave you was for fucking nothing because you are over and done with any and everything me. I have memories haunting my every move. You exist in almost everything I do.

I have to stop it.

I have to find a way to get rid of you.

Writing to you here is not helping. I have to stop.

I have made a new blog. A blog where US doesn’t exist. The only US that does exist there are tiny little bits and pieces of what once was.

I have to let you go.

I can’t continue to come running to you, even if it’s only in writing, if I want to move on. I don’t feel right even thinking about writing about someone else here and I know that at some point I will have a ‘someone’ else to write about. I mean there has to be more to my story than just US. My story can’t end here. Right? You were just a chapter in my book of life. I thought you were ‘the book’ but I realize now you were simply a few very important chapters to my book as a whole, not my whole book. Silly girl. How easily it was to not see the whole picture until it was too late. Perhaps had I looked at our story in other ways the outcome would be different but it doesn’t matter now.

I guess the story of US has finally come to an end.

It sickens me.

It makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I can’t breathe and don’t think I really want to anymore.

I miss loving you so much already. I missed loving you before. I will miss loving you for always.

I’m so sorry that this is the way that our story ended. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize sooner the mess we were becoming.

I’m not sorry for loving you.

I will never be sorry for that.

Loving you was one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope someone else will be able to love you even better than I was able to someday.

I hope that no matter what at the end of the day you are the man your mom would be proud of and that you show Little Man how to be that man.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Only know your lover when you let her go… And you let her go.

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I feel like missing you tonight.

I feel like putting on Our playlist and letting the tears for you flow. Because I miss you. I miss so fucking much about you. I miss how you were so good at pretending you cared about me. You were so good at making me feel so much fucking love it was overwhelming at times.

So how in the fuck are you gone?!?!?!?!

The only thing I can wonder is if you are doing and saying the exact same things to her?

Do you call her Princess or Beautiful?!?! Or worse fucking yet Pretty Eyes? That one makes me puke in my mouth if you call her that.

Do you vow to be her everything?

Do you stay up late telling her she’s on your mind?

Do you remember spending the last 4 years doing and telling me the same. DOes she know that you did all those things and so many fucking more with me?

I’m trying to remind myself that it doesnt matter. That you doing all those things with her only solidifies that I was right when I said that you were fake with me and that you are being just as fake with her.

I sometimes find sick comfort in the fact that she has a boyfriend and is half your age. I bet she has to ask her mom if she can come over to spend the night or if she can come over at all. Oh thanks for that I needed a little giggle to stop the tears that were falling.

I can only find comfort in the fact that moving on and letting go of you and all of the phony that was US, and only take the good away, is the best thing for me.

I will never be able to move on if I continue to hold any sort of feeling for you good or bad. And I need to. It has been over a year now since you left and I have pushed away anybody who tried to get close, don’t get me wrong there wasn’t any huge line but there were a few. Thankfully one of them is not letting me him away no matter how hard I’ve tried and I need to stop trying. I want to stop trying. I want to just quit putting up the fight and let whatever be. But I can’t. Well I couldn’t until now I think.

Anyways whatever that is doesn’t belong here I was simply stating that I have finally fully let you go like you have me. It has taken more moons than I would like to admit but the moon has come. You are no longer mine. I officially let you go. I wish more than anything that with those words came more than just this terrible deep ache in my soul but they don’t. I don’t feel any different. I was hoping all of the hurt and ugly would be gone but I guess I will forever carry that. I will forever miss you. I will always love you from the very depths of my soul. Nothing or anyone will ever compare to what we made. I will spend forever stopping myself from thinking of you but I will always wish you well. I’m sorry that this is how we ended. I’m sorry that we weren’t strong enough to actually be there for each other in the end. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to even salvage a friendship out of US. I think that might hurt the most… you didn’t even care about me enough to be friends.

I have to stop.

I have to let you go.

But I never will. I will carry the love I have for you forever. I will find a way to live with the hurt from the loss of you.

I’m sorry.

I miss me too… But not as much as I miss you.

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Where to begin?

I mean… I shouldn’t even have to begin again but I am so fucking stupid that as soon as you showed me any kind of attention I melted for you like a snow cone in fucking Phoenix… pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

And here I am.

Re writing the same fucking story just another night.

One of the things saving me this time is that I don’t believe anything anymore so the bullshit you were spewing, via Skype non the less ( I said I was pathetic okay geez I get it), didn’t really mean anything to me. If it had been the me from just a few months ago, the one that fought every second of every day for a love that didn’t exist (ya that’s the one), then I would most likely be broken on the floor again after you disappeared again after only a few text messages and several days.

But it wasn’t that me.

It was the broken, shattered, doesn’t feel a fucking thing Me. The one who doesn’t believe in any bullshit forever love, the one who doesn’t believe in soul mates, because if they existed you were mine and you are gone so they cant exist. So I just kind of brush the tears that slowly fall while almost smiling on the inside because I the one thing I did believe was that you wouldn’t stay for long and you didn’t mean a thing you said. You never have.

None of that means that it doesn’t hurt, that I am not sad that you would hurt me again after seeing and knowing how broken I truly am.

Because I am.

I hurt.

I’m sad.

I don’t sleep.

Not a second goes by that you aren’t running through my soul….

I’m sorry I will never be enough for you….

I’m sorry.

You 100% are the love of my life but you’re not in my life… and it’s driving me crazy.

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I thought I was doing on, until I thought about how we’d never be able to make love again.

About how I’d never again feel our souls collide and the aftermath as it rains down on US as we find each other over and over again.

I’m sick thinking about how I never get to reach down and be shocked by how much she has already reacted to everything you’ve done/said/whispered/moaned/commanded/demanded/begged in more ways than I even thought.

I’m even more sick thinking about how you get to find all of these things and more with someone else while I get to exist a lifetime with a shattered soul.

It’s definitely a sad missing you night. I’m sure I will have those sometimes, I have a lifetime without you for fucks sake.

It’s just shitty that I get to have them while truly knowing now that you are with someone else, loving them, spending time with them, caring and thinking about them, doing all of the fucking things that we used to do with someone else.

Gag.

I’m so glad that you’ve found your happy.

Can’t you tell…