Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

image

I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

Fck the pain away… anyone.

image

I am breaking.

You don’t care.

I don’t either.

I’m pretty much just a shell now.

There is nothing left of me but my physical self.

I sit in a room full of people but I’m not really present. I’m stuck inside my head repeating your hurtful words over and over while at the same time trying to breathe/not cry/hold it together in front of everyone. I pull out my phone and pretend to scroll through instagram just to distract myself. It only lasts a few minutes before I have to just walk out. I can’t hold the tears in any longer.

I’ve spent the day thinking of how in the last few months I have pushed away any male that has tried to get close to me. I’ve been too scared about feeling guilty like I’m betraying US. I’ve been too concerned about not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I let them know I’m not available, that my heart is not whole. I push them away as well as their compliments.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

I gave my heart to you and you shattered it.

I gave you my soul and you killed it.

I’m just a walking corpse now.

So I guess I am available if all they want is to fuck me.

That’s all I have to give them anyway.

I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

image

I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?

 

I can’t breathe… I don’t know if I even want to.

image

This feeling is never going to go away. I’m going to have to learn how to live with the emptiness of you.

That’s not fair. You said I would never know what this feels like. You promised you’d always be here. The pain from losing you should never have been something I had to feel.

Are you enjoying the silence? Do you even notice I’m not bothering you. Can you tell that I’m gone?

Do you feel it to?

I’ll never know…

Take my heart, it’s no good to anyone else… it only belongs to you.

image

Today is my first real day without you. I feel you missing from my soul. It’s an odd feeling, one I’ve not experienced before. I literally feel empty inside, like I’m walking, talking, and doing the motions of daily life but I don’t feel anything.

I smile but only for appearance.

I’m dead on the inside.

I talked to a friend yesterday, one I haven’t talked to in awhile, he said something that struck a chord. He said that your past is your past for a reason.

You’re my past.

I need to accept that and let you go.

I need to not dwell on the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, that my love meant nothing to you, that everything I thought we had was NOTHING…

I heard his words. I understand them. But my heart and soul doesn’t know how to let go. How do you let go of everything you thought would be yours for a lifetime?

How do you walk away and not fight until you’re last breath for something that you’d lay your life down for?

How do you live knowing that the other piece to your soul is going to be someone else’s forever?

How do you give up with no regret?

I’m asking you ask these questions because you’ve done them all already. You’ve continued living without me like I never existed.

How?

Please give me the answers. Please help the hurt go away.

Please.

Anyone…

I made it through another day… now if I can only survive through the night.

image

I’m too sad to write much of anything but it was this or call/text you, and well, that’s not an option…

I hate when I’m quiet. Quiet is bad.

Is life really that much better without me?

Was life with me so bad that you’d leave and never look back?

I’m sorry.

Moment of weakness… pathetic I know.

image

I had a moment of panic yesterday morning. I couldn’t remember what you sounded like. I couldn’t remember your voice. I waited until I was pretty sure you were at work and I called, hoping for once that you really didn’t answer,  that at least your voicemail would pick up.

I could listen to your voice, be reminded, and hang up with no harm done. My plan worked.

Almost.

Until you called back and then left a voice mail.

Knives in my heart.

I was then tortured with your voice, on repeat about a hundred times, I was so saddened by how distant you sounded. It was almost like I was listening to your voicemail.

I could tell right then I’d lost you.

You’re gone. Not mine.

And it hurts so fucking bad.
 

I’m never going to be what you want me to be… Sorry I’m not sorry.

sin differently

I love how the only interaction I get with you is negative now. Gone are the days filled with I love you’s, miss you’s, need you’s, or just a simple thinking of you texts. Now I get… well you know what I get. 

But what I don’t get is what it is you want from me?

I feel like I am always in trouble with you, like I have just done something to piss you off, everything seems like it’s a yell or I’m a disappointment to you now.

I hate it.

I have somehow given you this power and it sucks.

In other news…

This is supposed to be the one place in my crazy world that I can come to and vent and get all the ugliness I am feeling out. The one place where I get to say and tell exactly how I feel. The place where the only thing I give is brutal honesty. This blog was made for that specific purpose.

But now I feel like I have to censor what I am saying or feeling because I might piss off or hurt someones feeling.

You don’t get to judge me here.

You don’t get to use anything here against me.

If you don’t like what I am saying or how I am feeling then you don’t get to be here. Don’t read what I write. You don’t have to.

But I’m not going to stop writing. I’m not going to pretend like life is all sunshine and unicorns here. I’m not going to change how I write here.

I never will.

This will always be the realest, rawest, sometimes ugliest, truths of the most beautiful love ever.

I don’t care that it’s over.

Lost but never forgotten…

 

I’m not happy, you’re not happy… Or are you?

sad soul

It’s been 2 weekends now and I have kept my word. I haven’t called. I haven’t text. I haven’t emailed.

And neither have You…

I haven’t taken a full breath or slept through the night.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not focusing on the moments that bring tears to my eyes and a hurt to my soul.

I’m still chanting that silly saying over and over… I’m letting go, I’m letting go…

Maybe I should switch it up to, ‘He let go, he let go, he let go…’ Think it might make the hurt hurt a little less?

Probably not.

I hate so much that you get to just act like nothing is wrong and everything is super because no one knows about me. No one asks you how I am or when the last time you talk to me. You don’t have to be reminded of me ever because I don’t exist over there. But I’m reminded of you all the time. Sucks.

Yay you.

I’m glad one of us made it out of this.

Sorry about all the ugly here. Guess I don’t have anything nice to say so I wont say anymore at all.

Night.