One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…