I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

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Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.

The Story of US looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I don’t even know what to say, of course. I never know what to say, even when I am speaking to you I find the words all jumbled or stuck and I am sick of it.

I’m sick of you too.

I’m sick of your bullshit and your excuses and sorry’s and all the other bullshit you spew. I don’t care what your excuse is this time. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire (again), lost your phone, didn’t have service, or whatever else you decide to try, I really don’t. I’m done. I don’t care to continue this charade with you any longer.

I get it. People change. Feelings change. I changed. You changed. US changed. I get it. But I am not afraid to admit it. I am not afraid to say that I have changed, my feelings have changed. You, well, you on the other, you have a problem admitting just about anything. You are very good at apologies, all I hear lately from you is ‘I’m sorry, I fucked up, it’s my entire fault, this is what I want, blah, fuckity blah, blah. I want US. I want you. YOU are all that I want.’ HA! I call bullshit. Again. If I could find anything funny right now I would find the few times that you gave the butterflies a stir and almost convinced me to drop my guard, a laugh right now. Of course, although I am not feeling much of anything right now what I AM feeling could not be categorized as good.  I hope that I can hold on this feeling right now. It’s not really a bad feeling. It’s a tolerable feeling for me. I’m upset, hurt, but also relieved. I’m relieved that you immediately did what you said you would not do again so soon. I’m relieved that I can start the process of healing and moving on. I can start finding Me.

If you were given weeks, months, or longer to try to pull my guard away and convince me that you were here to stay I’m positive you would have convinced me. You would have been able to wrap the love of US around me and get me lost in the Amazing and when the realization that this was all a fucking game to you was revealed all of this would have hurt a lot more.

Really?! Did you have to come back and try to convince me again that this love was real? That you were here to stay? That no matter how ridiculous I was being it didn’t matter because US was worth it, US was worth any and every feeling we ever felt, no matter how amazing or agonizing, was worth every tear and ache because it was REAL and it was not faked. How much more pissed would I be had I believed any of your bullshit for one second? I am so glad that the few times you were able to find a crack in the wall, that YOU helped build, I fought you. I am so glad I didn’t allow the fakeness of you through to spread all of your phony around and your false promises.

 

Am I overreacting again? Yea, probably, but I don’t really care because I don’t feel like I am overreacting. I feel like I am holding it together pretty well. I mean, I want to delete every part of you from my life right now. I want to delete you from FB, I want to block your number from calling, I want to delete every message we have shared, I want to text you and tell you to fuck off and never call me again, but that would be acknowledging to you that I am aware of the absence of you this weekend and I don’t want to give you that.

I don’t want you to know how it is tearing me up inside that we have gone another 48 plus hours with no answer, return call, or text, just NOTHING. I don’t want you to know that I lie awake at night and wonder what it is that I have done again to deserve this. I don’t want you to know that I every time I look at my cell and see no call or text that I feel the hurt in my soul.

I’ve turned my cell off. I am assuming that at some point within the next few days you will ‘need’ me again and try to call and patch up the damage you have done with your false promises and fake tears and I don’t want to hear it. I think that your actions have said more than any word you have spoken lately.

It may seem at times throughout this writing that I am mad or angry at you but I’m not. I’m disappointed that you didn’t let me go and start healing but instead tried to get a few more… you know what’s from me before you left to spend ANOTHER weekend US-less, but I am not mad. I don’t have feelings toward you, I pretty much feel nothing right now, at this second, that of course could change at ANY time, because that is how I roll, all crazy and all over the place (:

I’m sorry in advance for any ANGRY that comes from me during this time of healing. On second thought, no I’m not. I’m not sorry for ANY thing I feel during this time. I’m going to embrace each feeling and roll with it. I’m going to learn and take as much with me from this journey of US as I can.

I have no idea how to end this. I want to say I’m sorry, but not for anything just sorry that this is what US has become.

I miss US.

Forget the world now, we won’t let them see… Say you will.

I ‘write’ to you every night before I fall asleep, only it’s in my head. For some fucked up reason the words I want to say to you fall so easily into place when the world is dark and silent. I often wish I could get up to put them down but I am too scared to wake anyone so instead I lay silent and unmoving while the words I want to say to you flow effortlessly through my mind. Sometimes they aren’t the nicest thoughts but they still have no problem fitting together. I don’t have to fight to put two scrambling thoughts together to form a coherent sentence.

I really miss being able to write. I miss just letting my fingers hit the keyboard and let ‘em loose. I didn’t even have to think about what I wanted to say, my fingers and soul were somehow connected and did the ‘thinking’ and ‘writing’ for me.

Now when I try to write I end up staring at the cursor blinking for so long that I forget why I am staring at a blank page and end up giving up.

I’m happier than I have been in a long time and I’m miserable. Fucked up right? Well, it wouldn’t really be very ME if it wasn’t (:

Thank goodness I’m so busy at work all day that I don’t have time to dwell on how not happy I am. And of course when I am home I am surrounded and rarely alone so even if I am feeling it there is no way I can be showing it.

Again. It fucking sucks.

I want to tell you that I am happy, that I am confident in what I am doing, that I know that I have made the right choice but that would be a lie. I’m not happy, I’m not sure I know what the hell I am doing. All I know is that my kids are happier than I have seen them in a long time. They are excited and want to be home and so do I. I love being home with them. Even when they are driving me Nucking Futs (: I can’t think of a place I would rather be. Well, I could maybe think of one….

I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish this were easier…

 

 

Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…   

 

A distracting, chaotic, jumbled, mess. I hope you enjoy. Love you.

Is it really already Easter?! Wasn’t it JUST Christmas last week? Has the year already flown by so fast? I feel like I have been living in a fog the last few months. Like I can’t even look back and see what I did because all there is a misty fog filled nothing. I suppose I could go back and read the blog but you know how I HATE to read what I write. I still find it funny when I read something and have no idea how the words got onto the page. I haven’t been able to get lost in my writing in so long. It makes me feel like I can’t take a full breath. When I can write and release whatever it is that is affecting me I just feel better, like I can breathe and everything seems crisp and clear, when memories are like watching mini bad homemade movie clips in my head, the kind that are super cheesy but bring tears to your eyes, rather than creepy darkness and nothing that shows up in black and white stills.

Completely distracting myself now and gonna talk about Easter. Think I am gonna make a new recipe for twice baked yams for tomorrow. I think it will help keep my mind busy to pass the time. I am always amazed at how fast the days go when I keep myself busy and distracted. So I will be busy baking for tomorrow. Shall I tell you what’s on the menu (: How completely annoying I’m sure but whatever at least I am writing. I will be keeping myself busy tomorrow preparing the ham, mashed potatoes, those yam thingy’s I was talking about, I am gonna try to make these cute little deviled eggs but I don’t know how or if they will turn out so I will let ya know since I’m sure you are dying to know (: I am also gonna try to make this yummy bread pull apart thingy that looked uber yummy and is called Crack Bread, let ya know on that one too. I hope that I actually eat what I make tomorrow. I have a bad habit of not eating when we do big dinners because I am so busy running around the kitchen and getting stuff together that by the time I sit down I am too tired to eat and everyone else is done eating already and who really wants to eat by themselves? Anywhoo…

Oh yea and of course we are dying Easter Eggs and going to a Glow in the Dark Easter Egg hunt at a friends parents. I am soooooo excited to see how the hunt will go. I do love all things dark, especially cool glowing things (:

I am sure that I have bored you enough with my nothings but it feels good to write. Anything. So I am wondering if this too will become one of those ‘deleted’ posts that I keep sending to the blog graveyard. I don’t think so actually because you would care about every little stupid thing I had to say here. Because you are amazing. And this is for YOU and US and no one else. I need to stop worrying about what someone might think, unless that someone is you of course, because I spend so much time to trying to edit and censor my shit on here that I get stuck because this is the one place where I am not supposed to have to ‘fake’ it. If I am on the edge and shit is dark and scary and ugly then who fucking cares. I should just let it out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for all things US. All things good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, dark, amazing, hurtful, sad, happy, CrAzY, sexy, anything US. This is where it belongs.

OURS just came on (: Makes me smile. I can take a full breath. Reminds me that…

The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is oUrS….

I am sorry that things have been so dark lately. I am hoping that as soon as we get to actually be US again that everything else fill fall back into place. At least that is what has always happened before when I got lost. It took one or two amazing days of US to open the flood gates and break through but once it did the love of US wrapped itself around me so tightly that I don’t think I could have shook it if I had wanted to. I need that again. I need US again. I feel like the gods are against US right now and it really sucks. But I guess if it is meant to be then it will be.

I miss you. I thought about you all day. I will talk to you in the morning my love. I can’t wait to spend the morning with you. Wrapped in your arms, snuggled in the love of US. I can hardly wait. I feel like a kid before Christmas, can’t sleep, but want to sleep as soon as possible so that it will be morning already. Maybe I will try some melatonin tonight? I have heard it helps. Let’s hope so.

I love you. I miss you. Is it morning yet? Rawr….

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.

I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?

Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!

I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.

No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.

Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.

I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER  showing me how it is done (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.

Magical Moon filled ‘multiple’ make-up’s, throw in some Mufasa’s and a great case of the Mmmmmmm’s and that my dear is the recipe for an A M A Z I N G Monday.

 

Oh my, we made up for yesterday. Well, YOU made up for yesterday. I missed you. I love you. I am so thankful that you continue to love, care and fight for US. Thank you for sticking around through everything. I thought I was going to have this HUGE post tonight but US has other plans and I am so okay with that! I am, for once (: not complaining. We will have to mark this one on the calendar.

I love you. I can FEEL how much you love me. Pretty much Amazing-ness all around (: and THAT my dear is something worth KEEPing…

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.