Today I don’t even want to get out of bed. I hate today. Is it over yet?

I miss you. I have been so busy with everyday life that I haven’t had much time to sit and wallow in my sadness but it is still there, always. And I am rarely alone anymore so even if I am sad I don’t have the luxury to let it ‘show’. And it pretty much fucking sucks. I don’t know how much longer this fake will hold up.

I am so exhausted from holding everything back and putting on a happy face that I can hardly keep my eyes open when I do hit the pillow at night. Of course that is when the silence signals the loudness in my head to start. So a tossin’ and a turnin’ we go until around 5am-ish when I finally have tossed and turned my mind and body to complete exhaustion. I have the most UN-restful sleep I have had my entire life. And it sucks. Big time. I hardly remember what it is like to ‘fall asleep’ without having to exhaust myself.

I miss the way I would slowly drift off into the most amazing sleep with you. It was hard to fight at times. You always made me feel so safe and comfortable and loved. I miss that. I miss you. I miss US.

Busy day again today so I must begin my fake ass day. Wish me luck. I need it.

I wonder if I will ever drift to sleep again…

I love you.

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