Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

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I’m not happy, you’re not happy… Or are you?

sad soul

It’s been 2 weekends now and I have kept my word. I haven’t called. I haven’t text. I haven’t emailed.

And neither have You…

I haven’t taken a full breath or slept through the night.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not focusing on the moments that bring tears to my eyes and a hurt to my soul.

I’m still chanting that silly saying over and over… I’m letting go, I’m letting go…

Maybe I should switch it up to, ‘He let go, he let go, he let go…’ Think it might make the hurt hurt a little less?

Probably not.

I hate so much that you get to just act like nothing is wrong and everything is super because no one knows about me. No one asks you how I am or when the last time you talk to me. You don’t have to be reminded of me ever because I don’t exist over there. But I’m reminded of you all the time. Sucks.

Yay you.

I’m glad one of us made it out of this.

Sorry about all the ugly here. Guess I don’t have anything nice to say so I wont say anymore at all.

Night.

A shower untaken, a lunch left uneaten, and two souls reuniting… I love you, she loves you, we thank you for the perma-grin today Moon.

As soon as I finished my last post my cell rang.

It was you.

I was shocked. I hadn’t even sent a text begging you to contact me, although I did send you an I miss and love you text earlier which you responded to and melted my heart and warmed my soul.

You were calling, mostly, on your own.

You had me at ‘Hello, Sexy’ and it only got better from there. No one has ever made me feel the depths of emotion that you can.

I love you. I love the way you make love to me. I love the way your words and love wash over me and ease any hurt or fear I’m feeling.

Welcome back Mr. Ridiculous Amazing. I’ve missed you.

I’m yours.

I found a little bit of happy… Well, it was hard to ignore it when you dropped it right in my lap. I love you.

 

The last few days with you, on our search to finding US, has been amazing. It has been filled with moments of US that are breathtaking but they are fewer than before, they are still guarded.

I’m pushing all of those yucky thoughts away today and just going to enjoy the happy. I am going to hope for more happy to come and relax in the happy that I have.

I miss you.

I love you.

Thank you.

 

As soon as I hit publish I am off to apply some mascara… I hope it works.

I’m falling down the fucking rabbit hole again. I haven’t been to work in two days. I haven’t put mascara or lip gloss on in 2 days. I don’t wear much make up but if I don’t leave the house without mascara, ever. I was not a good mommy today. I knew I wasn’t going to be so I packed them up and drove them to my moms and drop them off, I didn’t even make it to the stop sign before the tears were flowing. I tried to ignore them and hide behind my sunglasses, I even turned up the music REALLY loud but I had to pull over for a bit and regain myself, there was no way I could have safely drove right then.

I got home and I dont think I was even in the house for four seconds before I was dialing your number. I don’t even care at this point what or why I was upset before, all I needed was to hear your voice. To know that there is someone in this universe who, wasn’t born of my flesh, that loves me and cares about me. As soon as I heard the ringing my stomach flopped and my heart dropped because I remembered that you aren’t that person anymore. Anxiety creeps in because then I start wondering if you ever were. And then I start questioning everything, every word, whisper, text, love that was from you. Were they all fucking bullshit? Was I just something to occupy your time while you were vehicle-less and bored? Did you only need me to make the lonely nights less lonely for awhile?

And this my dear is the craziness that has become my head. This doesn’t even mention any of the bullshit I am dealing with outside of US.

I feel like there is a stormcloud above me and it is shitting down buckets right now.

I feel like I am clawing to the side and my body is feeling the stress of it. I have been sick for the past few days I hurt all the way to my fingernails. My eyes hurt so bad that I wear my sunglasses inside due to the 100 degree sun blaring into my house right now. I am trying to sit in it to soak it up and convince myself that I can feel but it’s not working right now.

I think I am going to move my pity party outside for a bit. I have spent the last few hours listening to music and trying to breathe, it is working. I just realized that I don’t have to work again until Monday. I am going to be on the river in less than 16 hours with people that make me smile. I only hope that I can hold on to all of this positive for the remainder of the weekend.

I am going to go spend the rest of this day in the sun with the little ones who own my world and remind me that even if I don’t want to be here for me that I HAVE to be here for them.

I’m sorry.

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

You are my happy thought…

 

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways… Well, I would but I don’t have the time right now. I am constantly in my head though. Always (:

I love you so much. I love how much you love me. I love that my posts are starting to consistently be on the up and up (: what a nice change of pace. It is all because of you. Thank you. I don’t have a lot of time today but I just want you to know that you make everything better. I can see the happy in life again.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I hope we have another lazy Sunday full of loving.

I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait to take over the world with you (:

Stop… You’re doing that thing again. And I love it.

Usually I write to you and then pick some sort of graphic for my post but I saw the pic above and had to post it. I start to tingle just looking at it. It so perfectly describes the way I feel when I am with you. To be wrapped around you and to not be able to tell where you start or I begin because we are one, we are US.

I miss you. I love you. I am so amazingly happy when I am with you. Tonight was… I can’t think of any better word than… RI-DIC-U-LOUS. As is every moment we share. You said it best tonight when you said the best part is afterwards laying together and just being US. Again it was like you reached inside and spoke my thoughts. I feel the tingle and sparkle of you US in my SOUL.

I love being US.

I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I miss you already. I missed you as soon as we said goodnight. I hope you have a great day. I can’t wait until Sunday.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. You are everything. You have my soul, now and forever.

I can’t sleep, so I will write to you instead.

It’s 3 am and I am still lying here wide awake. I can barely get comfortable. My neck is better but still bad, story of my life. I haven’t fallen to ‘nap’ before 4 am in the past week and its starting to wear me thin. I miss you. I still haven’t talked to you. I don’t know if I will talk to you. I don’t know if I should talk to you. I feel like you are so good at talking me out of my fears and I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Is it a good thing that you can take away my fears so easily? Or is it a bad thing and you are just masking them and not really taking them away? I have read everyone one of your text and emails, several times actually. They make me feel warm. They make me feel loved. I miss feeling loved by you. I miss you. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss snuggling you. I miss US. I need to believe in happy, that’s what I need to do. There is no way that US isn’t what makes me happy.

I just want more from you than you can give right now. I know that maybe I am being unreasonable but I deserve to be able to communicate with my ‘man’ on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to go days wondering where you are. If you are busy then I should be able to get some sort of message from you that you won’t be around. I shouldn’t have to sit here for days on end just ‘believing’ you will be back. You should be telling me, no, showing me that you will be back. If you can’t do that then there is no reason for me to put my effort into US. If you are willing to stick around until you CAN be there for me on a daily basis then you are my everything and I am happy with that. If you can’t then maybe you weren’t really in this for US and you were really in this for ‘him’ (you know who I am referring to!), and if that is the case then I don’t need or want you anyways!

I believe you will be here until US can be. You have been showing me daily since you came back, again, that you want me, that you want US. You message me throughout the day. You send me little I love you’s. You have been trying so hard to make me believe but it’s just not enough right now. This is all so déjà vu. This is exactly what happened the last time you HAD to leave. You swooped back in and made everything better for a few weeks. You were gone less, you were here more. You were good at loving me. You were amazing at showing me but then you had to leave again. Shit went down at your house and you weren’t able to contact me. But were your legs broke? Were you locked in your room like a toddler? Why the fuck couldn’t you have FOUND away to get a message to me? I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe I do but I just don’t want to believe it. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe my worst fear is true. Maybe when you are there without me I really don’t exist to you. That’s what I think anyway. I think that when you are there I am just a figment of your imagination and not really REAL to you. That’s why it is so easy for you to go days and days without contacting me. How long will you be here this time before you leave me? Will you be here for days? Will you be here for weeks? Will you be here for months? Or will you be gone for days, weeks, months again? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I wish that the answers were the ones I wanted to hear. I fear that they aren’t. I fear that the deepest, darkest, monsters that live in my head are right. That I am just something to pass the time when your family is not so hectic. You say that I am always on your mind but would you really tell me if I wasn’t? I doubt it. I have a lot of doubt. Doubt follows me around like a shadow. I don’t like him. I wish he would leave US alone. I have enough problems without doubt joining the party.

I must try to rest now my Moon. I’m sure the boys will be up soon and I have not even laid my head on my pillow. I miss you. I hope you prove all of this Doubt to be wrong. Don’t give up on me. I’m sorry.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I always will.

My nights are meant to be filled with YOU…

Hello my Moon. Oh, how I have missed this. This feeling of bliss when waking. This feeling of HAPPINESS, can you believe it? I just said I was feeling happy. Just the thought of me being happy makes me tense a tad bit. I can easily overcome this anxiety at present. I can push it back into the darkness, where I hope it stays, so quickly today.

Does the Tingle stop the voices that are running through my head when they think I am distracted? No, sadly, it does not. The will’s and the why’s and most importantly the what’s, they still sting when I least expect it. They sting with will this happy I speak of really stay? Will I be happy for just a few moments before I crash down into that black abyss I have been desperately trying to climb out of? The list is endless. I am ignoring them today. I am going to enjoy this bliss I feel today. I am going to answer every one of those fucking stings with an F U He’s MINE forever!!

You know why? Because I am starting to keep this Tingle with me when you are gone. I am starting to FEEL the tingle of you when you are away like I used to. I am beginning to remember what it was like to just always KNOW that you would be there for me. To not have the doubt, the anxiety I now feel if you are half an hour late, because to me you’re means you are DEFINITELY not showing up. Never now does it cross my mind that your little one is up late, you are taking a late shower like you love, no, never. It’s always that you aren’t going to be here. That I will have to spend another night with out you.

I am still putting my trust in you. I know that you will guide me on this journey through LOVE. You are so what my SOUL has needed to begin healing. I can feel you ‘fixing’ me and I love it. I have to continue with my day. I have a lot to get done before we crack those bottles of wine tonight. I can’t wait. For some reason me tipsy has been healing for US. I can’t wait for some ‘healing’ time tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you, I believe in you, and I thank you for believing in US.