I wrote this to Moon December 21st, 2014… it’s only taken a year to post it.

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I have these moments of pure disgust for you and the way that you have so many times disregarded my feelings.

An anger that is indescribable builds inside and it makes my stomach turn and my skin tingle when I think about how I know that you still use the same lips that try to convince me of how much you love me to try to convince your new girl of exactly the same things with most likely the same lines…

Maybe you were right when you said that I will never be able to let the past about her go… but do you know why?

Because you have never once let her go.

You have lied to me, most definitely her, and everyone else.

You are pathetic with the way you try to use the love that I have for you to your advantage. You come to me when your little pet is out with people and friends her own age but run right back to her if she shows you any sign of attention.

I am even more pathetic for giving you an outlet.

I won’t any longer.

Next time you are so intoxicated that you can hardly send a coherent text, your dick is raging, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself… Call her(Oh wait.. I’m sure you did but she was not available to you) tell her how you want to end it all and how you have fucked up and feel so terrible. How nothing is worth it and blah fucking blah blah blah…

Because the reason why you want to give up has nothing to do with the fact that you lost me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you know your little band-aid isn’t a permanent fix, or a permanent ANYTHING, but you’re so fucking addicted to her it’s become sickening.

But I’ll be the hater and the bitch and the whatever the fuck else you want me to be.

And just like that the anger and hurt has taken over and replaced any good that I have felt with you.

It’s so easy to hold on to the hurt and anger. It’s so easy to become lost in it and let it take over. It’s too easy to sit back and let the anger flow from my soul through my fingertips at lightening fast speed and replace all the longing I have for you with dislike. If I hold on to all this bad then I can’t focus on how much I hurt from all the great that you made me feel.

And do you think after all of this that I hate you?

No fucking way…

I hate myself.

More than I could ever hate another being… almost as much as I hate the love that you have for Her… almost.

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I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

My luck I would call you the night you’re not sleeping alone… I hate you.

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I needed you. I always need you. But we don’t always get what we want. Unless we are taking about you, in that case you apparently get whatever it is you want with whoever it is you’re wanting it with.
It’s ok. I always knew, deep down, you were full of shit. Your countless lies, never ending excuses..
Ugh you make me sick.
I’m so glad I am finally seeing you for what you are.
Nothing.

You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

A little bit of hate. A tiny bit of understanding. A never ending amount of LOVE.

 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you tried so hard to fix me for nothing. I’m sorry you held on for so long for nothing. I’m sorry I can’t be fixed.

I miss you. I hate that I miss you so much. I hate that you being free and happy hurts so much because really it is what I have always wanted for you. You deserve to happy and out living life. And I am sorry that I get angry and hurt by that. I will work harder on hiding it. I will try to be happier if we talk.

Have fun Moon. Be safe. Be free. But most importantly find your happy.

I love you.

I think that the ‘One Day’ has arrived… And I don’t know what to do. So I guess I will watch the Olympics.

I hate this feeling, the feeling like I am a bother, annoying, or worse yet, interrupting you. I hate that it took me losing the little bit of trust I had found in you to make me realize that I had in fact found trust in you.

I forgot what a horrible feeling it is to wake up from night terrors with tear soaked cheeks wondering if it will be another US-less day. I hate not being able to shake the fear I feel in the pit of my stomach that US is gone. I hate the tears that spring to my eyes and the breath that is sucked from me at random times. I hate that I want to spend hours days forever in your arms but at the same time feel like in your arms is the last place you want me to be. I feel like you want to spend as little time with me as possible, like you give me enough just to shut me up for a bit and that you are cringing the whole time.

Im so sad. I feel the sadness in my bones. My heart is heavy. My feet are heavy. Even my fingers are heavy. I want to just sleep but even my sleep is full of nightmares. I feel like I didn’t even sleep last night instead I just watched a series of horrible mini movies full of you leaving me in various ways usually ending with me crying on the floor. I’m not looking forward to sleep tonight either.

I need you. I need US to fix this. I’m scared it’s unfixable. Mostly because I don’t think you want to fix US anymore. I feel like you have reached your boiling point and are done with US.

Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

You said never. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

I have been ‘writing’ to you all fucking day long in my head, while I drive down the street, as I sit and wait at the stop light, even when I’m in the middle of conversations and by conversations I mean the other person speaking while I absently nod my head and throw in a few mmhmms and uh huhs to add just the right amount of fake to hide the fact that I am having a conversation of my own, in my head, with you.

Crazy?

Yea, crazy. Story of me.

I want to be mad and say angry things and turn all this hurt into anger but I can’t. I can’t find my way out of the hurt to do anything. I feel dark and cold. Even now as I sit in the sun, I see the sun, I don’t feel it though. I don’t feel anything. I have been sitting here trying to feel something for hours now.

Nothing.

It’s not working. The only I am feeling is my head spinning from the rollercoaster of emotions that are gnawing at me, clawing at my head and heart.

The loudest is the little fucker that is screaming, ‘I told ya so, I told ya so.’

And yet as broken as I feel I find comfort in this. I know how to deal with this kind of pain. I am used to having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and dust them off to lock them away again.

It’s the pieces of my soul that I don’t know how to deal with. It’s the realization that even though I wanted to believe in US more than anything ever, US wasn’t real. The kind of love that US is doesn’t exist outside of fairytales and we are definitely not a fucking fairytale. I have to admit that you did an outstanding job of playing the role of the Eternal Lover. Bravo.

I was right all along. Nobody loves like you do. Even you don’t love like you do. You are just a really good pretender. And I am a fucking idiot.

I almost find it laughable at times. I almost uprooted my life for something that never even fucking existed.

And just as quickly the breath is sucked from my lungs and the ache I feel in my bones does nothing to help me regain my breath. I can feel the way I miss US already. I can feel it in my soul. It is an empty, nothingness.

I have imagined numerous ways for US to end but never did I think it would end with hurtful, hateful words, or be riddled with lies. Well, not from you at least. We all know that the Fucking Bitch that I am would be spewing all kinds of bullshit. Right? Fuck me if I am going to be such a Fucking Bitch right?

What am I Fucking Bitch for anyways?

  • Wanting to spend time with you?
  • Expecting you to follow through with our plans?
  • Thinking that everything was a go since I had not heard anything different from you?
  • Believing you when you said that Sunday was for US?
  • Being hurt when for the 100th time our plans have been pushed to the side?
  • Getting sick of hearing, “I’m going to make it up to you” or “I owe it to you”?

Do any of those make me a Fucking Bitch?

Which ones?

You are sorry.

This is why I didn’t want to get excited for Sunday. I never thought it would happen anyway. I guess I just kinda hoped I was wrong. I hate when I am right.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with you was your unconditional love. I have spent much of my life chasing, begging, and waiting for love. Never expecting to find it. Well not the unconditional, can’t live without you, feel it in the depths of my soul, kind of love.

Then I met you.

You tried to convince me that a love like US existed. You were so persistent. You never tired of loving me. Slowly you pecked away at the wall surrounding my heart and planted your tiny seeds of believe. You worked nonstop at nurturing and loving the tiny seeds, making sure they blossomed and bloomed.

For what?

Nothing. For fucking N O T H I N G.