And still I sit and wait…

You say that it was the first time. You say that you have never said anything like it before.

And yet it rolled off your tongue and flew from your mouth as easily as a Hello.

I don’t know what I am anymore but I know what I am NOT and that is sorry. I’m thankful that someone or thing out there made your phone call me at that exact moment. So that I could hear the way you truly feel. Now I know how I am talked about when I am not around.

I can’t say that I didn’t expect this. I can’t even say that I’m surprised. All I can say is that I am broken. I feel like what I have felt all a long was validated. That I never should have believed. I never should have let you in.

And I don’t care if I am being completely childish or if I AM a fucking bitch. This is how I feel. This is how YOU made me feel.

Never again.

I’m sorry. I hate that you hate me. I hate me too… I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying it but I am.

I love you.

I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.

When anger boils over…

The anger has set in, again. I’m sure you can tell since I won’t even address you in these writings anymore. I don’t want to. I am mad at you. I am pissed that you would do this to me AGAIN. I won’t allow there to be a third time. My strength now is going to be used to believe that I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve the man who begs to be my everything makes me HIS everything too!!

I don’t really think there is an excuse that would make this okay this time. I have been obsessing over what could be keeping you this time and really the only thing I have come up with is… Nothing. Nothing could be keeping me from you. Unless you are locked up or dead. I would of course feel horrible for being such a non believing bitch if either of those horrible things could be. But if you are alive and not incarcerated then please, I don’t want to hear from you anymore. I don’t ever want to talk to you again. And a fuck you!! I might not know what you are doing but I do know WHO you are doing it with…

Fuck you for treating me like a side dish. Fuck you for not being there for me. Fuck you for making me believe again. Fuck you for making me believe in US. Even as I type this I am feeling guilty. The anger and hate that is taking over is not being kind to you. I am allowing horrible things to be said to you. A part of me is sorry for that. The other part says fuck off. It’s obvious I am not in a good place right now. Hate is not an emotion that I often deal with. I have so much hate for the way that I am being treated. I don’t want to allow this hate anymore of my time. I need to run.

I am going to end this before it gets even more hateful. This is why I stay silent and don’t write to you when I am in a place like this.

Think I might blast me some T-Swizzle and drink some tea since the pain meds and neck pain are not going to allow me to run or have a glass. Fuck off to you if you are doing all things Christmas and acting like I don’t exist. Happy fucking Holidays asshole.

The most fucked up thing ever… I love you.

PS.. a fuck you to my iPod for playing Fade into You by Ms. Mazzy Star right now. Thank you and good night.