Another post written days before. . Im still wandering.

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Dear Universe,

Another day another dollar…

The first cut is the deepest…

The song is playing right now and it’s super distracting.. I don’t want to try to love again. I don’t care if I never fall in love again. I don’t think I have the energy to even begin having any ‘like’ for another human.. love seems impossible.

And I am super okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t really want a life of ‘alone-ness’ but I would much prefer someone say.. ‘hey, I’m gonna say I love you and will be here for you always and that I could never live without you but what I mean by that is I’m gonna like you while I’m here, I’m gonna be here for you when it’s convenient and I will forget you existed as soon as you walk out the door.’

I’ll take brutal honesty over bullshit lies any day!

Give it to me real. I’m done with the fake-ness.

I don’t need any false promises or fake love.

I don’t want any kind of emotional bullshit.

But..I’m a lover.. with a broken heart and shattered soul.

Who is so fucking lost in this world of unknown..

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T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…