So sleepy.. Until my head hits the pillow and the lights go out, then it’s game on for Fear & Anxiety.

sad

Dear Universe,

You really love fucking with me huh?

Just when I think that I might start having my ducks in a row and the planets are starting to align or blah fuckity blah blah, you throw me a fucking curveball I could never have seen coming.

I don’t know how to write about it yet. If I write about it then it becomes more real. If I put words to it then I give it life and this is something that does not deserve life. I deserve life. I keep telling myself that. I am more scared than I have been in forever. I don’t know how I am going to last the next few weeks and then I will have even more time to wait for results.

I’m not sleeping.

I’m hardly eating.

I had a few moments of weakness the last 48 hours and reached out to a few people. I don’t expect people to be there but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hope that they are…

I can proudly say that I did not at all reach out to Moon. And that is a feat in itself! Don’t get me wrong there was a moment (or hours but who’s counting) when my heart was racing and the blood was rushing through my ears so loud I couldn’t hear anything and for those moments I wanted to reach out to Moon and in the past I would have. I would have dialed his number at the very, very least but this time I didn’t.

This time I sat with my fear/sadness/anger/anxiety and I remembered a time when I could reach out to Moon and he would have loved me back to sanity saying ‘it didn’t matter what the tests say or what parts of me they have to take he would still be here loving me, whole or in pieces’. The tears ran as I imagined how at one time I truly thought I had the Clyde to my Bonnie and how we could have conquered this evil together. I cried for the loss of amazing we made. I cried for the love I miss so badly.

So quick reality was to knock me back down. Moon isn’t here. He doesn’t care. He can’t love away this ugly. He can’t whisper my anxiety to silence.

I didn’t text/call/message at all.

I just let myself feel everything that was attacking me at once and rode them out.

I felt every single emotion to the center of my core.

And I did it without a ‘partner’. I did it without Moon. I never thought there would be a time/crisis that I didn’t crumble without him. And I am okay with that. I am more than Okay with that. I feel a tiny bit of proud in these moments of terror for not being weak like so many think I am.

The ones I leaned on did/said the right thing, which sometimes just meant they sat there and watched/listened to me cry. I didn’t get any fake or phony, I received love/honesty/support.

I don’t know how I am going to make it through these next few weeks. But I’m terrified for them to pass. Every minute that goes is one closer to a reality that I am not ready to accept. I feel so alone.

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I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…   

 

A silence broken. Maybe you like my silence better. I do.

I’m back from the dead. I think. I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to die now. Or at least I now know what it feels like to beg to be done and for someone to end it. I spent days writhing in pain, begging for some one or thing to take the pain and fever away. I have never felt the pain in my joints and muscles like I felt when I was sick. I even thought someone was trying to poison me at one point.  I was ready to be taken to the hospital. Or to die. Whichever could happen fastest? And I was like this for days. I ate 5 saltines in about 3 days. It was bad. And the stress from Hurricane Black didn’t help I am sure.  I had no idea the flu could bring a grown woman to a crying sobbing mess.

Writing doesn’t comfort me the way it used to. I don’t understand why. I want to write so badly. I want to be able to feel that release I would feel after getting everything out but I can’t. And I think it is going to drive me crazy. I know that this HUGE case of block is not helping but I feel like it might be more than that.

Perhaps it is that I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to ‘fake’ it here in my writing. I am a pro at flipping on the fake when needed, as long as I have my props, sunglasses and fake smiles. But when it comes to writing, well, I can’t fake this shit. When I write it is from the now, the real, the raw, and most of the times the oh so fucking ugly. And I feel like I have been so full of ugly for so long that I try to write ‘pretty’. But when I attempt to sort through the mess and pick out the good and the pretty I find myself lost in the blackness and feel like I am swallowed whole and then all the pretty is lost and I feel like I have nothing. So nothing is what I write.

I find that the silence is not even an option any longer. So there is always music on. Loud. Really loud. I avoid sitting. I try to keep my mind and body as busy as possible. Even now I feel like I should be up cleaning but since I have a load in both the washer and dryer and everything already folded and put away I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to sit here and get some shit out. So sit I am. With the music blaring. And the cursor blinking.

So shit is pretty messy here. I have been writing about it. I am just keeping them in a folder for now. Perhaps a blog will be born someday from them. But for now they will stayed buried where all things, dark, scary, shameful, and full of black belong, in a folder hidden on my computer.

I am battling this the only way I can. By the seat of my fucking pants. Fist flying. I still need to battle this beast on my own though.

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to do this to prove that I am not the things I am told I am. And that I am everything I am told I can never be.

I need to find me. I don’t know where to even begin but I know that 5 years is a long time to be wandering lost and I am ready to find the way back to the living.

I am so sorry. I know you beg me to not push. To not give up. And I want you to know that I am not giving up on US. But I need to find ME and fix what happened here while I was so busy lost in US. I am not giving up though. I hope that after I can stand on my own two feet, all by myself with no help, we will find our way back to US. I in no way expect you to ‘wait’ for me. And if you don’t. I understand. But I can’t be distracted right now. And you distract me. US distracts me.

I was so lost in US that I didn’t see how terrible things were here. I was so busy lost in the tingles, the stolen breaths’, and sparkles that I didn’t see my world deteriorating around me.

So now, when you whisper your words and they fall over me like a soft blanket I start to panic. I am so scared that I will get lost in US again and the blackness will take over again and I will be too distracted to see. And we both know how easily I fall into US. Was it not just last night that I startled awake not remembering how I fell into such a peaceful slumber? I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t fall asleep with out tossing and turning and it makes it so much harder to do this alone when I am reminded of what US feels like.

I have been avoiding all things internet related. For days. If I avoid the internet I am not temped to message you. And since my cell phone has been MIA since I survived the flu from fucking hell last week and I haven’t ‘had the time’ to look for it then texting is not an option. Add that I have been avoiding this place like the BLACK fucking plague, because it is so full of black, and it appears that plan No Contact has been fairly successful.

Sorry about that. But I have to battle this dark, blackness filled, depression inducing fucking beast on my own.

I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry. I hope you understand why I have to do this.

Goodnight my Moon. Please don’t hate me.

 

Chills, shortness of breath, chest pain, tingling and I don’t mean the good kind… Just to name a few.

Panic attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame — up to 10 minutes — and associated with at least four of the following:

  • Sudden overwhelming fear
  • Palpitations
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Shortness of breath
  • Sense of choking
  • Chest pain
  • Nausea
  • Dizziness
  • A feeling of being detached from the world (derealization)
  • Fear of dying
  • Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
  • Chills or hot flushes

Generalized anxiety disorder is excessive and unrealistic worry over a period of at least six months associated with three of the following:

  • Restlessness
  • Easy fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Irritability or explosive anger
  • Muscle tension
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Personality changes such as becoming less social
So I finally gave in and Google’d some info on panic attacks and posted it.

I went to WebMd.com because isn’t that what you are supposed to do if you think there is something wrong with you? Who gets professional help anymore when you are sick or need something when you could easily self diagnose yourself at home from the comfort of your own bed? So, I am pretty sure that I am in fact having panic attacks, at least according to WebMD I am. I have made the symptoms I experienced in bold; of course I haven’t had them ALL at the same time. I am nauseous all the time and I have been known to be dizzy a time or two but not today or yesterday, that I can remember. I don’t really sleep much more but I do take some pretty amazing naps. Oh, yea and I guess sometimes I have been known to lose my train of thought, is it bad that sometimes its actually mid sentence? But as for the others I guess they are pretty spot on. Now I have a feeling that the above symptoms could mean a ton of other things but since I only Googled Panic attacks and not each symptom I have been experiencing an I am feeling extremely anxious lately I will just go with they are panic attacks and leave it at that. I refuse to let myself start to get trapped in the crazy world of ‘self diagnoses’ I can only imagine what I would come up with (:

I also posted the part about anxiety disorder because they were on the same little blip and since we are diagnosing we best be thorough. Luckily, I don’t feel like I have anxiety disorder because I don’t believe that my worry is unrealistic. I may be wrong about that and if good old Dr. WebMD could actually interact with me he may diagnose me differently but I don’t think so and since I am the doctor here, what I say goes. The joys of technology and modern medicine.

So lets be honest here the only reason I Google’d this shit was because I had to because I was starting a full on attack with you on the phone! And I knew there was no way I would be able to hide it and there is an even bigger NO way that I was going to let you have to witness that bullshit. So I tried to get out as quickly as possible without hurting you or your feelings but I finally had to just go and I am sorry for that.

I am sorry that I am a bitch sometimes. I am not always going to be nice and chipper and I am sure positive that I am going to piss you off at some point. I mean at some point I am going to do or say something that you aren’t going to agree with but I don’t think you will tell me. I think you are too nervous to upset me because I am so loony right now. I don’t think you would openly disagree with anything I say or do and that is only going to be worse for US in the long run, which gives me more anxiety, because if you hold it all in for me that is not good for YOU. And I want you to be as good to yourself as you are to me.

You deserve just as much as you think I do. And that is why I don’t think I am the best for you because I don’t know if I will ever be as good at loving as you are. I don’t think I will ever be able to openly love as well as you. You have set the bar so high I don’t think I could ever reach it. I want as much for you as you wants for me Moon, and I am so scared I won’t be able to give it to you. I am so so so so so so sorry for that.

I’m sorry that this happened today. I am sorry that I wasn’t able to hide it better or get off the phone sooner. I know we had such high hopes for today. Well, I know I did. And now I feel like I have ruined today. Ugh… I don’t know what else to say right now. I am exhausted. I guess 4 hours of sleep will do that to ya.

I love you. I love you so much. I am so tired.

 

 

Either it’s a panic attack or I’m dying.

I want to shut down. I can feel the panic starting to set in so I am going to write. I don’t know where this is going to go or what it is going to be about. I am just trying to distract myself long enough to take a deep breath because my chest and lungs literally feel like they are in a vice. Like I can’t take a full breath let alone a deep breath. Jack Sparrow is on in the back ground instead of the music I love so much. I guess I could just put on my headphones and iPod but that would require me to stop typing and I can’t do that just yet, I still can’t take a breath and I am almost a paragraph in now. What the heck is wrong with me right now? Why am I having a panic attack? I think that is what this is but I don’t every recall having one before and I can’t bother to Google it right now because again, that would mean I wasn’t writing. The pain is now an aching pull between my ribs. What is happening? I need to breathe. I need to focus on my fingers on the keyboard, slow, slow, breaths, okay, this is working. I am starting to type in less of frenzy. The words are starting to flow more than scream their way out. Let’s keep it up, just breathing, in and out, slow, breaths, okay. I got this I think. Just focusing on this and the words flowing is starting to calm it down a bit. I am starting to be able to breath a bit better. I miss you. I don’t remember what I was doing or thinking about when the dark started to set in but that was not cool. I am pretty sure that I was thinking about US. Mostly because that is what I am always thinking about these days, on here anyways. In real life, where I put on the dark sun glasses to hide these sad eyes, I don’t get to focus on US. I like that time actually. I like the distraction, I like being kept busy so that I don’t have to listen to the spewing yuck that is now a constant in my mind. It is when the world is quiet and sleeping that I hate. I hate when there are no distractions. When it is just me and old Jack Sparrow is when shit starts getting crazy (:

I need light. I need loud music, I need DANCE PARTIES in the car, I need mama kisses, and baby hugs, and I need you. If YOU were here when the world was quiet and sleeping… Well, lets just say the world of US would be anything but quiet and there would definitely be no sleeping, earth shattering pops to mind (:

And I know that with you I would fear the silence no longer.  

Well, it worked. It took a bit longer than usual but I am breathing. I believe. Just thinking about all of the distractions I described above brings a bit of sparkle back. I can find a bit of happy in thinking that US can make more ‘bring a smile to your face’ moments in the future. As long as I keep believing. As long as I can hold on to the happy, remember the tingle, and FEEL the love of US well, we should be okay. Sounds so simple. I fucking suck with simple.

I must get to sleep or at least attempt to lay here and toss and turn a bit earlier than usual tonight. I have a house full of munchkins that don’t care one little bit about US, they care about pannycakes and scramblies (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I am so sorry for all the CrAzY… I hope it’s worth it…

A Frenzy-ied, Forget Now kind of night…

 

 

Here's the nail color... It's called Forget Now. Fitting isn't it?

Hey Moon I miss you. I finished my nails and thought I would post the color because I am bored and writing to you helps deal with the hurt of missing you AND I know that you would care and actually want to know what color they were and that’s why I love you. I can’t wait until tomorrow.

I love you. I miss you. I can’t get you out of my head… and I love it (:

Oooops I am almost forgot to post my Fuck You Cancer color… of course its PURPLE (:

It's called Frenzy... sexy isn't it (: