I wrote to you on a picture I took tonight… I love you.

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I love you. I can’t believe another year has come and gone and yet here you still are…

I love you.

Happy New Year my Moon.

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As soon as I hit publish I am off to apply some mascara… I hope it works.

I’m falling down the fucking rabbit hole again. I haven’t been to work in two days. I haven’t put mascara or lip gloss on in 2 days. I don’t wear much make up but if I don’t leave the house without mascara, ever. I was not a good mommy today. I knew I wasn’t going to be so I packed them up and drove them to my moms and drop them off, I didn’t even make it to the stop sign before the tears were flowing. I tried to ignore them and hide behind my sunglasses, I even turned up the music REALLY loud but I had to pull over for a bit and regain myself, there was no way I could have safely drove right then.

I got home and I dont think I was even in the house for four seconds before I was dialing your number. I don’t even care at this point what or why I was upset before, all I needed was to hear your voice. To know that there is someone in this universe who, wasn’t born of my flesh, that loves me and cares about me. As soon as I heard the ringing my stomach flopped and my heart dropped because I remembered that you aren’t that person anymore. Anxiety creeps in because then I start wondering if you ever were. And then I start questioning everything, every word, whisper, text, love that was from you. Were they all fucking bullshit? Was I just something to occupy your time while you were vehicle-less and bored? Did you only need me to make the lonely nights less lonely for awhile?

And this my dear is the craziness that has become my head. This doesn’t even mention any of the bullshit I am dealing with outside of US.

I feel like there is a stormcloud above me and it is shitting down buckets right now.

I feel like I am clawing to the side and my body is feeling the stress of it. I have been sick for the past few days I hurt all the way to my fingernails. My eyes hurt so bad that I wear my sunglasses inside due to the 100 degree sun blaring into my house right now. I am trying to sit in it to soak it up and convince myself that I can feel but it’s not working right now.

I think I am going to move my pity party outside for a bit. I have spent the last few hours listening to music and trying to breathe, it is working. I just realized that I don’t have to work again until Monday. I am going to be on the river in less than 16 hours with people that make me smile. I only hope that I can hold on to all of this positive for the remainder of the weekend.

I am going to go spend the rest of this day in the sun with the little ones who own my world and remind me that even if I don’t want to be here for me that I HAVE to be here for them.

I’m sorry.

It’s not about fixing, there is NOTHING to fix anymore. Now US was just a lesson learned… This could be why I can’t breathe.

Nothing is also what I have to say today. It’s out to the sun to have fun again with my two fav little people. Thank god for them. They save me.

I miss you.

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.