Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.