To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

Welcome back… Same old, same old.

soul

 

Dear Universe,

How do you respond to someone saying they want to remain friends when the connection you experienced with said person was anything but friendly?

I know that I have written before about being madly in love and finding the other piece to my soul and I still stand behind the words/feelings/everything I experienced but this time, well this time it was completely different.

The kind of different where when you look back on the timeline you go what.. what the serious fuck? How were those intense feelings felt in such a short time?

I mean.. what I felt with him was not really describable.

But it made me believe in so many things.

It came at the most unexpected time.

It was impulsive in almost everything, probably a huge factor in the way that our story ended, we had.

I will still never forget the day we met. It felt like a million days in one.

I don’t even want to talk about it now actually because anything that has to do with him makes me feel things, the most unsettling feeling starts in my core and I have to immediately shut down said thought/feeling/moment because it is so fucking easy to get lost in the connection we have.

I have never connected with someone this way before. Ever. And it was instant.

We thrived off of each other.

Whatever we had was strongest when we were together. Even if that was just sitting there next to one another.

And that doesn’t even begin to describe the connect we had physically, and not just sexually, but when he touched me I felt alive. My skin tingled and my breath stopped, over and over again as his hands and fingers roamed over my body. I can say without a doubt it is absolutely one of my favorite things ever!!

But a lot of shit happened.

We happened.

Too quickly.

Life shit on us.

I was am weak.

It was easiest to go back to what I knew then to jump into the unknown at one of the lowest points of my life.

So I did. I went back.

I didn’t think it would be permanent but again, life happened. I did have a pretty big role in said life happening but it is what it is now.

Again I was weak.

Chose the path I know.

Hurt someone who I never wanted to.

They said less than a week ago that no matter what life had thrown at me they were willing to just add it to the craziness we could make together.

And now they are dating someone else and sorry if they are unavailable but hey, let’s be friends….

Umm.. No thanks..

I’m good on the friend front.

Plus I would expect way too much from them on the friend level because let’s be real here, I don’t consider said person a friend. If they ever had to touch me the connection we have would be instantly ignited. And I don’t feel like spending a lifetime faking that it exists or craving just any second of it I can get, that’s what happens when I am near him; I can’t touch/hug/hold him because my being craves for more, I push away or keep at a distance for fear of crawling into his lap and snuggling up. So I just stayed away. pushed the way I am oh so fucking good at.

And it worked.

He is dating someone.

And as text book as it sounds I am truly happy for him.

But I can’t and won’t fake a friendship with him.

Which leads me back to my question earlier… how do you respond to that person?

If I’m not friends them we are nothing.

And if we are nothing there is no reason to be in each other’s lives.

If he’s not in my life…. well, that just fucking sucks.

You see my conundrum?

 

An unfinished post from who knows when… Of course I am going to publish it, unfinished and all.

I’m pretty much back to the whole can’t write thing. I don’t know where to start. Part of me wants to write to you but another part of me wants to write to Him. I don’t know how much I want to talk about Him here and I don’t feel like here is the place to do that anyways. But at the same time I find it hard to talk to you about what is bugging me because so much of it has to do with Him. Confused yet? Me too…

I feel myself starting to shut down again. I feel myself losing the sense of ‘feeling’ and becoming numb.

I hate this. I hate that I am in a houseful of people and yet I feel alone.

I always feel alone when you are not around. I hate that too.

This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjG7_wt7dIc just came on. it took my breath away. For a few seconds I let myself get lost in the song. I let myself feel the pain of missing US. A few seconds is all I could take. The rush of pain from missing you stole what breath I had left and I had to slam the memories of US back.

I haven’t really let myself feel the pain of losing US. I don’t have the strength to pull myself back from the darkness and hurt I feel right now so I have to just keep focusing on breathing, work, and all things Mommy to keep me some what sane.