Trying. Promise.

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Thank you Amanda Torroni for writing for me tonight. Starting a new year with the hurt and ache from missing him is almost too much to bear. Your words saved me tonight.

2015… let’s do this.

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You 100% are the love of my life but you’re not in my life… and it’s driving me crazy.

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I thought I was doing on, until I thought about how we’d never be able to make love again.

About how I’d never again feel our souls collide and the aftermath as it rains down on US as we find each other over and over again.

I’m sick thinking about how I never get to reach down and be shocked by how much she has already reacted to everything you’ve done/said/whispered/moaned/commanded/demanded/begged in more ways than I even thought.

I’m even more sick thinking about how you get to find all of these things and more with someone else while I get to exist a lifetime with a shattered soul.

It’s definitely a sad missing you night. I’m sure I will have those sometimes, I have a lifetime without you for fucks sake.

It’s just shitty that I get to have them while truly knowing now that you are with someone else, loving them, spending time with them, caring and thinking about them, doing all of the fucking things that we used to do with someone else.

Gag.

I’m so glad that you’ve found your happy.

Can’t you tell…

This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.

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You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.