1st attempt of many at a goodbye letter… That was never meant to be.

I’m shaking….

How do you write a goodbye letter to someone you have zero desire to say goodbye, ever?

I have tried to write this too many times to count, even now the shaking is making it difficult and I’m  making more typos than a kindergartner… sorry.. but I’m spending most time focusing on breathing, literally, and then I focus on going from task A to task B, like walk into kitchen for a papertowel then walk to spill, clean up spill, walk to garbage, etc… and I’m so serious it’s fucking sad.

I probably won’t get much out or even send this cuz I am literally trying to save myself right now and before you, this is one of the ways I’d do it.. I’d write the shit out.. But now the idea of putting anything you and I out in the universe feels wrong, like it’s ours and not to share, which again is so crazy because I share the fuck out of my crazy usually…

Nothing is okay anymore..

I’m having panic/anxiety attacks.. my heart races, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m ice cold and sweating at the same time.

And it’s been barely 24 hours since I’ve reached out to you.

The first 24 are the hardest some say, I call bullshit. Every fucking day/minute/second is a second farther away from the last time I was with you, a part of you, loved by you… See it’s a scary place inside my head..

I’ve learned that there are all different types of crying. There’s the crying that comes from the depths of your soul and it’s not really a cry but more of a howlish yell I’d call it. There’s the sneaky kind that creeps up on you in the weirdest places, like the grocery check out line, and before you even know what’s happening there’s just tears leaking down your face and you look like a complete fool who’s crying over US Magazine or Mars bars being on sale. There’s crying that is more like a wail than a cry. There’s ugly crying. There’s crying until you can’t catch your breath. There’s silent crying. There’s tearless crying. Even your soul can cry. I know all of this because I have cried all of these cries… and many more.

Worse than the crying are the moments when the reality that I’ll never hear/see/be with you again reach in and steal my breath, make my heart skip beats, and my stomach sinks to the soles of my feet. Just writing it is difficult. This can’t be real. This can’t be reality.

But it is.

You are gone.

There’s no going back.

I’ve sat here for 4 minutes just trying to get my breath back. It sucks the tiny bit left in my soul to even write it, I can’t even accept it in writing, let alone reality.

Your last message, before you blocked me… again, was… “Gotta go, driving now… Message you Sunday night when I’m back.”

That was 3 days ago.

Sunday night has come and gone. I haven’t heard from you. I, oddly enough, haven’t reached out to you. I’m not going too…

You blocked me.

You left me.

You lied to me.

You left me.

You destroyed me.

You broke my soul and stole my heart.

You sold me on a fake forever.

You don’t deserve me.

And I’ll love you forever… in a way that I don’t think even I will ever understand.

I guess that means I’ll be back here with a vengeance, typing out as much crazy as possible, in a whole bunch of meaningless fucking posts that should have ended up to you but instead ends up here…

I can only dream of a time that the pain from the loss of you doesn’t physically hurt. I can wish for a time that you are not my first and last thought, about everything. I can imagine an existence where I am not faking the okay between fits of complete despair.

Like how the fuck are you doing this? How are you okay?

Well you know that I have my own ideas on how you are coping, they all include sex, women, and most likely alcohol. I’m kinda disgusted that you can even think of moving on yet. I don’t know how you fall out of love so quickly and then it hits me… you didn’t fall out quickly, you fell out long ago.. you just didn’t tell me cuz I was your back burner until better came along… and looks like her husband left her and you find your happy. I read it with my own fucking eyes and I still was stupid enough to believe that we would overcome it because we were more than that.

Ha!

Wrong again, I was…

Now I’m sitting here with snot and tears running all the way down to my boobs, writing a goodbye letter to the man who was literally made of my dreams and promised me the world…

So for now the posts to the universe are on hold. I’m back to saving myself, only this time it’s so much fucking worse and even fucking scarier.

Fuckernutters.

 

 

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How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Another post written days before. . Im still wandering.

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Dear Universe,

Another day another dollar…

The first cut is the deepest…

The song is playing right now and it’s super distracting.. I don’t want to try to love again. I don’t care if I never fall in love again. I don’t think I have the energy to even begin having any ‘like’ for another human.. love seems impossible.

And I am super okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t really want a life of ‘alone-ness’ but I would much prefer someone say.. ‘hey, I’m gonna say I love you and will be here for you always and that I could never live without you but what I mean by that is I’m gonna like you while I’m here, I’m gonna be here for you when it’s convenient and I will forget you existed as soon as you walk out the door.’

I’ll take brutal honesty over bullshit lies any day!

Give it to me real. I’m done with the fake-ness.

I don’t need any false promises or fake love.

I don’t want any kind of emotional bullshit.

But..I’m a lover.. with a broken heart and shattered soul.

Who is so fucking lost in this world of unknown..

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

This song is not for the living, this song is for the dead…. and baby I’m dead.

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I can’t stop listening to this song. It feels like the lyrics have been torn from my soul and put to this beautifully eerie yet sad melody… Walk with me, don’t let this fucking world tear you apart…

This song is not for the living
This song is for the dead

With my face against the floor
I can’t see who knocked me out of the way
I don’t want to get back up
But I have to, so it might as well be today
Nothing appeals to me, no one feels like me
I’m too busy being calm to disappear
I’m in no shape to be alone
Contrary to the shit that you might hear

So walk with me, walk with me
Don’t let this symbolism kill your heart
Walk with me, walk with me
Just like we should have done right from the start
Walk with me, walk with me
Don’t let this fucking world tear you apart

I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror anymore without thinking about how much you said you loved them… Or was that a lie too?

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I have more unfinished posts than I’d like to admit but so many of the recent ones are full of anger and sorrow that I don’t want to post them. Maybe I will at some point compile them into one post but that would require me to read them a bit and I don’t read after I write and the few times I have read I don’t even remember writing the words but I can almost always remember the feelings…. sidetracked.

I think where I was going with this is that even though there are times when I am filled with so much dislike and anger for you, but then… then there are times when there isn’t enough anger or dislike in the world to mask the hurt and sadness I feel from the loss of you, like now. I am so sad thinking about how I was stupid to even think that there was a possibility of you really being the man I fell in love with. I knew then and I know now that’s never going to be a possibility. Does that stop or lessen the hurt or longing for you? Not one bit. I don’t know if anything ever will.

I have been thinking about so much again when it comes to you and I, love, relationships, soul mates, and everyfuckingthing else, I have enough time since I don’t sleep anymore, I thought I had gotten past this. I thought I was beyond all of the panic attacks, night terrors, screaming/crying, and all of the other darkness that comes with the loss of you but since you decided to come in and treat me worse than before I have regressed more than I’d like to admit. I have been clingy, weak, and pathetic. I am not proud to admit that I had to stop myself from sending texts, although I’m sure you wouldn’t call that stopping myself… trust me when I say I did, I could have text you a novel, several times over, but I didn’t so I consider that stopping myself. It took me a bit to realize that I was begging for your love again, you had given me just enough attention to suck me back in, you turned on just enough charm and knew all the right things to say (why wouldn’t you though since I ou have spent the last 3 years baring my soul to you) and the flirty little words to whisper. And I fell for it. For every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I had my doubts of course, but I could only remember the good in you at that time and all the good I was kinda feeling at the time won out.

Plus I didn’t want to let myself think that there was anyway that you would do the same thing to me again. I mean, there was no reason to. We weren’t together, you had left me for another chick, I knew about her, there was no fucking reason for you to lie to me about anything. And yet you still did. Even after I gave you every opportunity to be honest you chose to continue to be fake and lie and say that you were over her and hadn’t talked in weeks, you realized how much you missed me, you wished you could have me back, I told you how broken I was, I told you how there was no need for false promises or fake words because I had no wants, the baby’s and I love you’s that you were throwing out were only welcomed if they were true and from the heart and yet you still continued, the only thing I asked of you over and over was to not hurt me, to not fill me full of empty promises, please don’t hurt me… you cried to me and promised. You begged me to make love with you.. why? why would you come back only to break me more? Did you really think that I would survive you turning your back on me again? Or is it that you truly don’t care about me?

You get so mad when I question your love for me. You get pissed off and angry that I would ever doubt that what you said was true but then you do things like this to me. You act like I’m nothing. You forget that I’m a person, with a real soul. I might just be a video call to you but I truly exist. I am as real as she is and if you wouldn’t treat her like this then you shouldn’t treat me like this because I am no less important on this earth than she is. You don’t have to love me, I understand that the soul loves who it loves, I don’t fault you for that, it’s the way you treat me that is wrong. Don’t love me, don’t ever think about me again that is fine but don’t knowingly do hurtful things to me. I deserve better than that, any person does.

I had to take a break from writing for a bit and just reset before I let myself get too carried away down the path of darkness. I realized that the only person that is hurting from this is me and I am choosing to not give you that much power over me anymore.

I have spent my fair share time thinking of how I could get my revenge on you, how could I hurt you the most? After many hours I have finally realized that the best revenge I could ever get on you… is to find my happy again, find the me that I was when I was most in love with you and try to be her again. I will allow myself to be broken/hurt/sad and whatever else I need to deal with the loss of you but then I need to let you go, forever, and then allow myself to heal. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the love that I thought I shared with you, I need to accept that I am capable of loving someone else with the same depth of love that I had for you because just because it wasn’t good enough for that doesn’t mean that it won’t be good enough for someone else. I need to stop comparing everything to you, I need to stop trying to compete with the love that I thought you had for me and realize that there is a beautiful love story waiting to be written for me, I just need to be ready to write it. And I’m not yet. But I can be. I will be.

Someday my fairytale will begin, my soul will heal and there will be a new cast of characters that will somehow not include you.

But you see… that is the hardest thing for me to accept.. how the fuck does my story not include you?!?!

You were supposed to be my life so how are you not a part of my story?

I’m not afraid… I’m terrified, and for good reason.

unicorn

I’ve made very poor decisions where you’re concerned lately and I’m paying the price.

I was weak and stupid to fall for your games again.

But I have spent so many sleepless nights without you that it was so so so so very easy to fall into the fakeness of US, too fucking easy.

I thought it was going okay at first, I was able to maintain as long as we kept everything in the present, here today right this second. If you started talking about missing US or what we used to be I had to shut it down immediately, there was no way I could handle that, but as long as we focused only on the right now I was okay (and I usually the term okay loosely).

But then after a few days of okay I slipped easily back into our old ways, your whispers were too easy to fall into, you knew exactly the right things with your late night flirting and phone calls. You answered when I called you for the first time in over a year. You sent funny sexy messages throughout the day.

And then at the worst possible time you dropped it….

You called me by her name, ‘$&#!@ (insert fucking your new love’s name here) come home to me, come home to me…’ and my whole fucking world shattered, the tiny pieces of hope that remained for our love disappeared in a flash, like a a nuclear war bomb was dropped and incinerated everything US that had survived the first terrible attack on US. Gone.

The breath and life was sucked from me the instant the words slipped from your mouth.

Time stopped.

My heart stopped.

But the words coming from your mouth didn’t stop.

I’ve been numb since.

I don’t know how to stop the words from playing over and over in my head. I can’t stop the words you whispered from screaming over and over.Your frantic pleas to her, completely lost in the lust that you have for her not even realizing that I existed let alone that I was the person with you NOT HER!!

I know now there is no way anyone could ever hurt me anymore than I am now. I find an odd comfort knowing that I can’t be anymore broken, no one can hurt me now because there is absolutely nothing left of me.

You took everything from me.

You have left me with nothing.

Well nothing but the truth that I was never what you wanted; that I was never going to be your forever.

And that hurt will last my lifetime.

Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

This is what 4 weeks & 3 days looked like without you… It took me about that long to post it too.

 

i hate love

 

I’m finding myself with a few moments to myself so of course I am going to take the time to write or at least try to…

I have been writing and not posting a lot lately. Mostly because it doesn’t really matter anymore and it doesn’t make me feel better.

I don’t even know how long it has been since we ‘broke up’ but it feels like forever.

Thinking about it I guess we haven’t been for 9 plus months according to you and the story you tell everyone close to you.

But for me… even though I have felt that you have been gone for almost that long I didn’t completely feel it in my soul until about 4 weeks 3 days ago… pathetic.

I’m so sidetracked I can’t keep my thoughts in order.

The only thing I know is that what I am feeling, or not feeling, in my soul is not describable. There are hardly words for the way that deep inside I feel nothing. I can only describe it as my soul because even though I hurt physically from you leaving the missing you comes from someplace so much deeper.

And you’re gone.

You ignited an inferno like the wildest out of control forest fire in the thickest of Amazon jungles immediately engulfing any and everything around it incinerating it to nothing.

And that is what I feel without you.

Nothing.

But you don’t even notice I’m gone.

You barely even remember loving me…

And that super fucking sucks…