I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Second star to the right and straight on through till morning right? Shit, where’s Tinkerbelle when you need her?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIa4xKHQB_k

But… Will you still love me, tomorrow?

 

Am I wanting too much? Am I smothering you again? Is this real? Are we really back in this together? Was it too late? Will our souls find each other again? Do you want this? Did you ever want this?

I have a lot of questions that are swarming right now. I want to get lost in US. I want to try to find my way back to you. I don’t want to feel so awkward around you anymore. I don’t know how to be real with you anymore and it scares me. I don’t think I have ever been able to be anything but real with you before and now I try to pretend I’m okay and not struggling to breathe every breath.

I get butterflies when you call me. I get the tingles when I think of the time we were able to spend together today, it literally hit me at the most awkward times today at work but also brought a smile and flutter to the butterflies. I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I can’t stop thinking of the way I feel when I am with you. I can feel you in every cell of my body sometimes, like our souls are colliding, and I can’t believe how much I missed it. I can’t believe how much I have blocked or tried to forget about US.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be a bother to you. I don’t remember what it feels like to know you will be there. I go to sleep every night; well I try to go to sleep every night, wondering if you will be there when I wake up. I wake, with a start each morning feeling the heaviness of your absence in the pit of my stomach, scared to call you for fear that you won’t answer again and that is NOT how I want to start my day.

I want to start it with you, US, the way every day should start, with a love that is unexplainable and extraordinary.

I am fearful that none of my days with start the way they should and that my nights, that are supposed to be filled with US, will be empty and lonely.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

Because of you and the love you have shown me…

I miss you.

I’m leaving for the weekend. I am hoping to leave my troubles, sorrow, pain, and all the other bullshit I am feeling home, I don’t want it to follow me this weekend. I need a break from it.

I don’t know how you hide from a part of your soul missing but I am going to try. I am going to try to let the water, heat, sun, and smiles (I hope there are smiles) wash over the pain and sadness I feel every day, minute, second that you are not here.

I love you.

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry  

 

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

I could use about a million more mornings like today. I miss you.

Thank you for this morning. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for not giving up but giving space. Thank you for being my Moon….

I love you.

Why does Silence have to scream so loud? I miss you.

Another day. I made it through most of it so far. Now we have the silence of night to get through and that pretty much fucking sucks. I hate the night. Sad, because I have always found comfort in the dark, star filled, moon bright, silent, nights. I used to love to lay in the darkness and find comfort in the silence. Now I avoid silence like the plague. I always have the lights on, or the TV or both, the laptop is ALWAYS open, usually with music playing, even if the TV is on because it is almost always muted I just need the added light (:  energy waster right here. Have I told you how many times I dry the clothes in my dryer? I might have a problem. I have this thing now where I have to have the dryer going when I fall asleep at night so the clothes usually get about 3 or 4 cycles before I fall asleep, sorry ‘bout that but this is my reality now. I have to have some sort of something going on to distract me because if I don’t then it is too hard to keep the darkness at bay. With all of the music and noise and Target commercial on Pandora I am pretty distracted. Blackness is a slippery slope. I think it almost won. It still might. But I will continue to fight it as long as I have to.

I miss you. I want to talk to you so bad right now. I had to stop myself from walking straight to the phone to call you when I walked in tonight. I literally had to talk myself out of it in my head. No, you can’t hold the phone and make the bed, just get all your shit done and ready for bed and then call. No, don’t call yet he might still be working and you don’t really want to bug him at work do you? No, don’t text him because he hasn’t sent anything since 3 so he must be really busy just wait a bit longer. Is this fucking for real? Yes, sadly it is. This is actual fucking dialogue that plays in my head.

But I waited. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I distracted, distracted, distracted until finally you sent a text saying you were hanging out. And you want to know something sad I was crushed and relieved at the same time. It is getting so hard to not get lost in you, your words, your whispers, your love but if you are ‘out’ then there is no way I can get lost in it and that crushes me because getting lost in US is amazing…

Well, I guess I am off to find something else to distract me with because the longer I sit here the more I want to message you. I want to tell you that I miss you so much that it takes my breath away sometimes. I want to ask you to go home so that I can lay with you. I want to cry. Probably will.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.

The darkness has set in again…

I love you. I am sorry for how distant I have become. I don’t love you or need you any less. I may need you more now than ever.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.