I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

Dreaming of May… Perhaps I will meet you in my dreams until then.

over the rainbow


I’m exhausted. I miss you. I can’t wait to be with you. I don’t how much longer I can last. I’m hoping I can hold out until at least May

I love you.

I’m yours.

I don’t see US ever having a night like I’ve had… I see a lot more loving than spitting and fighting for US.


I want to write. I want to tell you about all of the horrible things that He did to me tonight. I want to tell you about how he spit in my face and called me a whore…

But I don’t have the energy. I am so tired that I can only think about curling up and falling asleep to some Pretty Little Liars, yes I am Netflix addicted, dreaming of being in your arms.

I miss you so bad it hurts. I am so thankful for your love. I am so thankful for you.

I will try to find more time to write this weekend. I’m hoping to be able to have some down time. I’m going to need it after my 11 hour day tomorrow): SUPER SAD FACE

I can’t wait to write all about May (((: EXTREME UBER EXCITED FACE

I love you. I miss you. I’m so happy to see your face every day.

I’m yours. Forever.

Hey here’s an idea… Don’t answer your phone next time. Better yet, there won’t be a next time.


So yesterday I missed being able to talk to you. It sucked and made for kind of a crap day.

Today, well i was sure it would start better. I really was hoping to talk to you this morning. I was thinking after the morning I had and the way and words I woke up to that hearing you would make it all better.

I was wrong.

This morning I should have just stayed under the covers and never called you. It was a bad idea. I hate to hear your fake, I mean nothing to you, voice.

Ending this now. It seems attempting to write is the second bad decision I’ve made this morning…

Fuck you Wednesday…

I missed my chance to hear you this morning… I think i could throw up.


I’m so sad. My ‘not too bad Tuesday’ just turned to shit….

I’m sorry.

A post that was two days in the making… And still it says nothing.


I was on a roll lastnight, and then I was interrupted and had to finish without being done…

I hate that. It is bad enough that I can’t write at times, so the few times I’m able to I hate being disturbed… That being said I don’t really think what i was saying was the best so perhaps the interruption was good…

I feel like i could write a lot but hate not having the freedom of a keyboard…. Maybe I will try to do this another way. I’m only becoming frustrated by my ‘typing’ not being able to keep up with my thoughts.


Well this was started yesterday and never finished. I have been doing quite a bit of writing and not posting, sorry. I get sidetracked, distracted, busy…

I was going to try writing to see if it would make me feel better but so far its not….

I’m in a mood today. Perhaps I should try again later…

This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.


You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.

I wrote to you on a picture I took tonight… I love you.


I love you. I can’t believe another year has come and gone and yet here you still are…

I love you.

Happy New Year my Moon.

I have a lot to say… Just not the time to say it.


I miss you.

I might have a few moments to spend with you so I’m not going to write like I was planning on. Instead I’m going to try to snuggle into you.

Even tho you super sucked today!!

I’m yours.

One of my last of 2012… Oh, why didn’t the World just end.


Oh my, what to write today? Christmas is over. Finally. There are only a few more days left in this year and I’m pretty excited about that. Next year has to be better than this year was right? I don’t think I will make it through another year like this. I know I won’t.
Will next year be the year of US? Or the end if US?
I am almost too afraid to find out.
Days without you are empty. Nights without you are neverending. The few times I’ve been able to sleep with you have been amazing. I’m often scared to spend time with you when the works is dark and silent, it seems so much easier for your love to find it’s way in at those times. I’ve been lucky tho because usually you are so exhausted that you and your amazingness fall asleep before me so I don’t have to fight it for long.
Why is it that everything is so much easier in the night?
I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry.
I’m yours.