Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

image

I would have loved you forever. The good kind of love.

I don’t even know what to say or where to begin because there is so much crashing around up there.

I keep replaying a conversation I had with Him recently. He was yelling/telling me how I am wasting my time looking for the kind of love that doesn’t exist. He was trying to convince me how I should give in and have sex with him, how that would be the best solution to our ‘problems’ (which are pretty much he wants sex and I don’t, I should though because if I just gave in it would probably make things less tense here but I can’t do it because I’m stuck on stupid and don’t see myself with anyone else but you which is fucking ridiculous because you don’t ever want to be with me again so if I am basically sentencing myself to a life of sexual misery…)

See what I mean about I don’t know where to begin.

I can’t even explain all the crazy that is going on inside of me right now.

I am having a hard time making any kind of decision without thinking of how it would affect you or US. I have spent years planning each step with the end destination being US.

It sucks.

I am still making decisions with the thought of you and I in mind but you aren’t a part of the equation anymore. I am left alone. I don’t have you there to tell me it’s okay. I don’t have you there to love me or care for me.

Nobody cares for me anymore.

I have to take care of everyone but there is no one here to take care of me.

I don’t have a lot of things without you anymore…

I miss just staring at each other with big dumb smiles on our face.

I miss looking up and seeing that you are looking at me smiling your sexy smirk.

I miss getting butterflies at the drop of a hat.

I miss struggling to catch my breath because you keep stealing it away for all the right reasons.

I miss the way I feel when I’m with you.

I miss the way all you had to do was whisper, ‘come here baby…’ and I immediately I felt the tingles begin as well as safe, secure & loved.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night and you being there loving me back to sleep.

I miss the way you held me, before and after.

I miss the way we could spend hours lost in each other but still never quite get enough.

I miss the way it didn’t matter how many times if you said more she was ready and responding.

Ugh….

I’m depressing myself.

Do you miss any of these things?

Did you even feel any of these things?

Did I make them all up?

I’m convinced I had the wildest and crazy dream about you last night. It felt so real, I could hear you say everything you used to and I’m pretty sure due to sleep deprivation.

 

Fck the pain away… anyone.

image

I am breaking.

You don’t care.

I don’t either.

I’m pretty much just a shell now.

There is nothing left of me but my physical self.

I sit in a room full of people but I’m not really present. I’m stuck inside my head repeating your hurtful words over and over while at the same time trying to breathe/not cry/hold it together in front of everyone. I pull out my phone and pretend to scroll through instagram just to distract myself. It only lasts a few minutes before I have to just walk out. I can’t hold the tears in any longer.

I’ve spent the day thinking of how in the last few months I have pushed away any male that has tried to get close to me. I’ve been too scared about feeling guilty like I’m betraying US. I’ve been too concerned about not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I let them know I’m not available, that my heart is not whole. I push them away as well as their compliments.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

I gave my heart to you and you shattered it.

I gave you my soul and you killed it.

I’m just a walking corpse now.

So I guess I am available if all they want is to fuck me.

That’s all I have to give them anyway.

Kick me when I’m down… I’m pretty sure that’s how you treat a lady, especially your lady.

image

You know when something terrible or awful happens and you can’t stop yourself from running to the bathroom to puke because it’s coming up no matter what and the closest place is the loo?

Yea, that just happened…

I’m so stupid.

I’m so dumb for wasting so much time and emotion on someone who treats me the way you do.

You are too busy to respond to a text but when you do you respond with a fuck you?!

What?

I deserved that huh?

I deserve to be ignored only to have the communication we do have be so cruel?

I mean I get that you don’t respond but why when you do does it have to be hurtful? Why does the only interaction I have with you have to be so full of hate?

You don’t want me to let you go. But you give me nothing to hold on to.

What exactly am I holding on to?

Nothing.

I’m so fucking stupid.

I literally feel like a part of me has been shut off. Like a light bulb has surged and burnt out never to be replaced.

I feel dead.

How fucking stupid is that?

Seriously?

I allowed you in and trusted you and now the part of me that belonged to you is dead and I did it all for what?

For nothing.

I’m so pathetic.

I have spent years loving someone who could walk away without looking back. Not only did you walk away but you did it in the cruelest way possible.

I’m so stupid.

Ugh….

I hate that I can feel so broken while you are living a life that I don’t exist in.

I was going to walk away from the life I have here with my kids, I was seriously thinking about uprooting the life they know so that we could be together.

I spent fucking years of my life believing in something that was just a game for you.

Were you ever seriously in love with me?

Did you really plan on moving here and being with me?

Why the hell do I love someone so much who doesn’t even exist.

You know I love you right? You know I love you like I’ve never loved another soul on this earth and never will again. I was willing to love you with every ounce of my being, what am I saying?

I do love you with every ounce of my being…

The only thing that could make the ending of our love story any better was if you went back to your ex wife in the end…

I’m sure if she’d take you back you’d go.

And if that happens…

I just might fucking die.

I can’t breathe… I don’t know if I even want to.

image

This feeling is never going to go away. I’m going to have to learn how to live with the emptiness of you.

That’s not fair. You said I would never know what this feels like. You promised you’d always be here. The pain from losing you should never have been something I had to feel.

Are you enjoying the silence? Do you even notice I’m not bothering you. Can you tell that I’m gone?

Do you feel it to?

I’ll never know…

Take my heart, it’s no good to anyone else… it only belongs to you.

image

Today is my first real day without you. I feel you missing from my soul. It’s an odd feeling, one I’ve not experienced before. I literally feel empty inside, like I’m walking, talking, and doing the motions of daily life but I don’t feel anything.

I smile but only for appearance.

I’m dead on the inside.

I talked to a friend yesterday, one I haven’t talked to in awhile, he said something that struck a chord. He said that your past is your past for a reason.

You’re my past.

I need to accept that and let you go.

I need to not dwell on the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, that my love meant nothing to you, that everything I thought we had was NOTHING…

I heard his words. I understand them. But my heart and soul doesn’t know how to let go. How do you let go of everything you thought would be yours for a lifetime?

How do you walk away and not fight until you’re last breath for something that you’d lay your life down for?

How do you live knowing that the other piece to your soul is going to be someone else’s forever?

How do you give up with no regret?

I’m asking you ask these questions because you’ve done them all already. You’ve continued living without me like I never existed.

How?

Please give me the answers. Please help the hurt go away.

Please.

Anyone…

I made it through another day… now if I can only survive through the night.

image

I’m too sad to write much of anything but it was this or call/text you, and well, that’s not an option…

I hate when I’m quiet. Quiet is bad.

Is life really that much better without me?

Was life with me so bad that you’d leave and never look back?

I’m sorry.

A lesson learned… hopefully.

image

I’m so sad. I’m always so sad these days. I should be sleeping but I don’t see sleep anywhere in my future.

The only thing I keep thinking is that everything had to be fake. None of it could have been real. You played the master trick on me and I fell for it. Again and again. I was like a fucking moth to the flame. I let you toss me aside over and over. I allowed you to ignore me and treat me poorly time and again.

Shame on me….

 

It took hours to find the words… I don’t got anything left for a title.

image

I’ve been sitting here for awhile now and all I do is delete everything I’ve typed.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s all the same.

I’m hurt, missing you, wanting you, crying for you, blah fuckity blah blah…

I don’t know who I am anymore.

If I was insecure before then I wonder what you would call what I am now. I can only explain it as broken.

I feel like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I turn awkward and sound rude because I don’t believe it. I feel like they are trying to make me feel better and that they are not sincere. I can’t understand what they could possibly see in me when you see nothing at all. I’m so bad at it that I have had someone tell me to stop, that I’m beautiful and funny and sexy and smart and I need to start seeing it and accept it. I don’t even know how I responded to him but I know all I was thinking was that I wish it had been you saying it.

I’m sure I won’t speak to him again for months….

Sadly, I’m okay with that.

It’s you I want.

Pathetic…

You came back and we live happily ever after… April Fools

image

I’m convinced you do things just to hurt me now. You don’t want to take the time to answer the phone when I call or to respond to a text I send but you will take the time to record a video to send to me with the message attached ‘here babe’…

Seriously?!

That is what I am worth to you now? You want to throw a 2 minute video to me satisfy me for a while so I leave you alone?

Well you got what you wanted.

I’m leaving you alone.

I will no longer sit here and try to convince you of my love. I have done everything I could. I have begged and cried. I have told you I’m sorry over and over.

You didn’t care. You don’t care.

4 months is a long time.

Long enough to decide if someone is worth fighting for.

Years from now when we look back at this time in our lives I can honestly say that I fought for US as hard as I could. I held on for as long as could kicking and screaming.

Will  you be able to say the same thing?