1st attempt of many at a goodbye letter… That was never meant to be.

I’m shaking….

How do you write a goodbye letter to someone you have zero desire to say goodbye, ever?

I have tried to write this too many times to count, even now the shaking is making it difficult and I’m  making more typos than a kindergartner… sorry.. but I’m spending most time focusing on breathing, literally, and then I focus on going from task A to task B, like walk into kitchen for a papertowel then walk to spill, clean up spill, walk to garbage, etc… and I’m so serious it’s fucking sad.

I probably won’t get much out or even send this cuz I am literally trying to save myself right now and before you, this is one of the ways I’d do it.. I’d write the shit out.. But now the idea of putting anything you and I out in the universe feels wrong, like it’s ours and not to share, which again is so crazy because I share the fuck out of my crazy usually…

Nothing is okay anymore..

I’m having panic/anxiety attacks.. my heart races, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m ice cold and sweating at the same time.

And it’s been barely 24 hours since I’ve reached out to you.

The first 24 are the hardest some say, I call bullshit. Every fucking day/minute/second is a second farther away from the last time I was with you, a part of you, loved by you… See it’s a scary place inside my head..

I’ve learned that there are all different types of crying. There’s the crying that comes from the depths of your soul and it’s not really a cry but more of a howlish yell I’d call it. There’s the sneaky kind that creeps up on you in the weirdest places, like the grocery check out line, and before you even know what’s happening there’s just tears leaking down your face and you look like a complete fool who’s crying over US Magazine or Mars bars being on sale. There’s crying that is more like a wail than a cry. There’s ugly crying. There’s crying until you can’t catch your breath. There’s silent crying. There’s tearless crying. Even your soul can cry. I know all of this because I have cried all of these cries… and many more.

Worse than the crying are the moments when the reality that I’ll never hear/see/be with you again reach in and steal my breath, make my heart skip beats, and my stomach sinks to the soles of my feet. Just writing it is difficult. This can’t be real. This can’t be reality.

But it is.

You are gone.

There’s no going back.

I’ve sat here for 4 minutes just trying to get my breath back. It sucks the tiny bit left in my soul to even write it, I can’t even accept it in writing, let alone reality.

Your last message, before you blocked me… again, was… “Gotta go, driving now… Message you Sunday night when I’m back.”

That was 3 days ago.

Sunday night has come and gone. I haven’t heard from you. I, oddly enough, haven’t reached out to you. I’m not going too…

You blocked me.

You left me.

You lied to me.

You left me.

You destroyed me.

You broke my soul and stole my heart.

You sold me on a fake forever.

You don’t deserve me.

And I’ll love you forever… in a way that I don’t think even I will ever understand.

I guess that means I’ll be back here with a vengeance, typing out as much crazy as possible, in a whole bunch of meaningless fucking posts that should have ended up to you but instead ends up here…

I can only dream of a time that the pain from the loss of you doesn’t physically hurt. I can wish for a time that you are not my first and last thought, about everything. I can imagine an existence where I am not faking the okay between fits of complete despair.

Like how the fuck are you doing this? How are you okay?

Well you know that I have my own ideas on how you are coping, they all include sex, women, and most likely alcohol. I’m kinda disgusted that you can even think of moving on yet. I don’t know how you fall out of love so quickly and then it hits me… you didn’t fall out quickly, you fell out long ago.. you just didn’t tell me cuz I was your back burner until better came along… and looks like her husband left her and you find your happy. I read it with my own fucking eyes and I still was stupid enough to believe that we would overcome it because we were more than that.

Ha!

Wrong again, I was…

Now I’m sitting here with snot and tears running all the way down to my boobs, writing a goodbye letter to the man who was literally made of my dreams and promised me the world…

So for now the posts to the universe are on hold. I’m back to saving myself, only this time it’s so much fucking worse and even fucking scarier.

Fuckernutters.

 

 

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What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

As soon as I hit publish I am off to apply some mascara… I hope it works.

I’m falling down the fucking rabbit hole again. I haven’t been to work in two days. I haven’t put mascara or lip gloss on in 2 days. I don’t wear much make up but if I don’t leave the house without mascara, ever. I was not a good mommy today. I knew I wasn’t going to be so I packed them up and drove them to my moms and drop them off, I didn’t even make it to the stop sign before the tears were flowing. I tried to ignore them and hide behind my sunglasses, I even turned up the music REALLY loud but I had to pull over for a bit and regain myself, there was no way I could have safely drove right then.

I got home and I dont think I was even in the house for four seconds before I was dialing your number. I don’t even care at this point what or why I was upset before, all I needed was to hear your voice. To know that there is someone in this universe who, wasn’t born of my flesh, that loves me and cares about me. As soon as I heard the ringing my stomach flopped and my heart dropped because I remembered that you aren’t that person anymore. Anxiety creeps in because then I start wondering if you ever were. And then I start questioning everything, every word, whisper, text, love that was from you. Were they all fucking bullshit? Was I just something to occupy your time while you were vehicle-less and bored? Did you only need me to make the lonely nights less lonely for awhile?

And this my dear is the craziness that has become my head. This doesn’t even mention any of the bullshit I am dealing with outside of US.

I feel like there is a stormcloud above me and it is shitting down buckets right now.

I feel like I am clawing to the side and my body is feeling the stress of it. I have been sick for the past few days I hurt all the way to my fingernails. My eyes hurt so bad that I wear my sunglasses inside due to the 100 degree sun blaring into my house right now. I am trying to sit in it to soak it up and convince myself that I can feel but it’s not working right now.

I think I am going to move my pity party outside for a bit. I have spent the last few hours listening to music and trying to breathe, it is working. I just realized that I don’t have to work again until Monday. I am going to be on the river in less than 16 hours with people that make me smile. I only hope that I can hold on to all of this positive for the remainder of the weekend.

I am going to go spend the rest of this day in the sun with the little ones who own my world and remind me that even if I don’t want to be here for me that I HAVE to be here for them.

I’m sorry.

Today is Valentines Day. I call it Tuesday….

I’m still trying to do this on my own. I miss you so much. It sucks even more. I hope you don’t give up on me. I wonder if you will.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry….

PS. FUCK YOU CANCER & VALENTINE’S DAY