I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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The drought was the very worst… Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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Dear Universe,

I’m at such a different place than I was 10 months ago.

I go hours/days/weeks/months without being dropped to my knees from the hurt anymore.

It was a struggle, to say the least, to get here.

I had the highest of high and the lowest of lows.

But I didn’t rush myself.

I didn’t push myself to hurry the process.

I tried my hardest to not deny the feelings felt.

It was tough, it still is, but I can say that I have fully accepted US for what it was.

I have really spent the last few months focusing on myself. I have more posts than one should in my Drafts folder and I just kind of post them when I can. I don’t always read them through, usually I just end up adding the tags, or titling and then publishing so I apologize for all of the wacky craziness you have dealt with the past several months.

I may have some sort of peace with US now but that is no way how things are in other aspects of my life right now.

It’s pretty opposite actually.

I have some crazy family stuff happening. I have more Baby Daddy drama than one person should ever have to deal with and summer is just around the corner. I have to somehow entertain 3 littles for months without any harm, to them or myself lol, I’m guessing there will be an abundance of things to write about soon. There already is I’m sure but I’m having a hard time writing about anything else. It’s like I have writers block when it comes to writing about anything…

I’m gonna go snuggle my Babydoll. I missed her like crazy today and we get to sleep in for the next 3 DAYS!!! (I may or may not be excited about that) I’m gonna put on some Real Housewives of New York/Terra’s Little Family/Little Woman NY (or however many I can get thru before I pass out) and zone out with my dolly.

Goodnight world.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

PS. Clean by Taylor Swift has been one of faves since the first time I played the album thru but it has spoke directly to my soul the last few weeks/month. Learning to unlove Moon was like overcoming an addiction for me, I had become addicted to having him in my life. It was easy to become addicted. I lived/breathed/loved everything Moon for a very long time. He was my drug. He made whatever fucked up seemed not so fucking bad. Anyways this wasn’t about Moon this was about my soul sister Taylor and her beautiful music. I play this song with the windows down and the volume on full blast any chance I can lately. It saves me. Thank you Taylor, for saving me.

Clean

By Taylor Swift

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, ah ah
Think I’m finally clean

I’m only human… And I crash and I breakdown.

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Dear Universe,

I don’t usually take the mean/hurtful/rude comments on here to heart because usually it’s just some crazy hater who has read one or two of my posts and has decided that I am wasting my time or I am crazy blah blah blah and I really could care less.

But I received a comment recently about how I am wasting my time on someone from years ago who never loved me and wasn’t The One blahfuckityblah blah…

And that comment got me to thinking, btw Jimmy Jams if you had read anything you would know that I have already come to terms with the fact that Moon wasn’t my One and that he never loved me and I completely wasted my time/energy/love/caring/friendship, what I am having a hard time coming to terms with is that even though all of those things were true on his part everything on my part was real.

So even though everything we have already stated above is true, it doesnt make it any fucking easier to accept the fact that I spent years of my time/energy/love/caring/friendship on the someone who was all of the terrible things that you mentioned above. And he may have checked out over a year ago but he only told me last summer that he was done. So it has not even been a year of me learning how to live a life that is not the life I had spent the previous 3 years living.

What exactly is the time limit on grieving the loss of a relationship?

Is there a time limit?

Because I was not aware that there was one.. I am simply trying to keep both of my feet firmly planted on this 3rd fucking rock from the sun. And to do that I write about one small aspect of my life here. I don’t feel like any time I spend on this blog is time wasted because without it I might not still be here. I am so all over the place with emotion right now because part of me wants to defend the love that I will always have for US and the other part of me is screaming to just walk away and leave it, to ignore any and everything US and just let it be what Jimmy Jams said it was, wasted time. But I also want to defend it and yell about how at one moment in time it was the realest/truest/rawest love you could ever imagine and that it is worth grieving for a lifetime.

I can’t though.

What was… was.

It is no more.

Now, now I am just learning how to smile again. I’m trying to accept all that life has for me. Good/bad/ugly.. I’m taking it one step at a time. Depending on myself. Relying on me. Needing no one. It is very liberating. And more terrifying than one can imagine.

I slept every night with Moon.

For years.

If I reached out to him or him to me, it was a given that the other was there.

24/7

For years.

There was never a shortage of love from Moon. He was the most amazing at making me feel like we were indestructible.

He wrote me things like this:

The story of us would probably be a man, me, who is madly in love with this fantastic woman, you.

At first I had no clue that you were the one I wanted to be with until we started talk outside of the people we hung out with. But after awhile I started to see and realize that a lot of the things that you were going through I was going through, like the people that helped us through most of or lives we have lost and how there are so many other ways we are alike, like watching movies together, we both are amazing cooks, love snuggling up with each other, and how amazing you made me feel but was scared too say or do anything at first. Because every time I seen you I had butterflies in my stomach because all I wanted to do was talk to you. So I finally got the guts to talk to you and I thought that this woman is so great and makes me laugh and that I could hang out with you more often so we did. That was one of the most wonderful things that have happened to me.

After awhile we started watching movies and hanging out with just us. What started off as just friends turned in too something so much more. I started to have strong feelings about you although you warned me that we shouldn’t go down this road.

I didn’t care.

I knew that I was falling madly in love with you and never wanted to give up! We have been through so much that I could not just give up on you and US.

You are my sun, my stars, and of course my moon.

I know you probably think I am crazy!!!! But not having you in my life makes me feel so empty. Having you in my life is like climbing the highest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs “I did it!!”. I never ever want to turn back or start over with someone now because of you and how you make me feel!!!!! =)

I love you so much, I would want nothing more than to be the man of your life and love you like a wonderful and fantastic woman should be loved in a relationship.

I love you so much.

Moon

Those were HIS FUCKING WORDS!! He wrote them out and sent them to me.

And then.. Gone.

It has been so hard to not immediately run to someone else..

There have been times that I wish I could just fill Moons place with someone else, just plop them in and make them everything that he was to me, but I can’t.

I don’t want to.

I could go on for days all of a sudden but I am being interrupted. Lucky you.

Until next time Universe…

It’s been fun I’m sure. Ha

I think I’m ‘okay’ only when you’re out of sight/out of mind. . . And you’re rarely out of mind.

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I have been sitting here thinking of so much to write but really I don’t have anything to write here. I don’t feel anything when it comes to US anymore.

I honestly never thought that day would come. I hoped and wished for this day to come every second since that summer night that my world came shattering down, but I truly never thought it would really come. I kinda always thought that I would hang on to this sad love story forever but I guess the time has come.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there will be days or moments that the realization of losing you brings me to my knees or tears will spring to my eyes, but on the daily I feel nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

I have spent so much time and energy the last few years on the love that I had for you/us that I almost forgot what life was like without you in it. I literally had to train myself to not make choices with you/us in mind. I had to constantly remind myself that you didn’t want me anymore. Over and over I had to stop myself from reaching out to you. For months when the phone rang or text came I wished it would be from you. You had become such a huge part of my world that it has taken more time than I would like to admit for me to accept your gone.

But the day has come.

I wonder if that makes you happy? I wonder if you even remember I exist. And then I immediately try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I will never know the answers to those or any other questions I still have and oddly I am totally okay with that.

I am okay without you.

And then. . It’s 2am and I’m staring into the dark and it’s not long before the sadness creeps in and I’m reminded that I’m nothing to you. .

And well, that hurts a little more than I remember and now I find it difficult to remind myself that I’m okay without your love.

Are you okay without mine? Do you even remember what my love felt like? Was I not good enough at loving you? Why was my love not good enough for you? Will my love be good enough for anyone? Could anyone love me? Does it matter if they can because I don’t think I have any love left to give anyone. I guess that is kind of a good thing because that means no one can hurt me the way you have ever again.

Right? !

Yea.. so apparently it’s one of those nights.

Fuck nuggets I was hoping the okay would have held out a little longer than half a post. FML

Wordless Wednesdayseems like word-vomit Wednesday… Whoopsie.

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I am literally sitting here listening to Pandora play the screams from my soul while I attempt to write because in the past that is one of the few things that saved me. But I am not feeling so ‘saved’ anymore when I write, at least when I write here. I am feeling extra whiney and needy and unwanted, obviously, and I don’t really know why I continue to write to you/about you. I am more than convinced that you are so far healed and beyond me that I can’t even see the shadow of you in the distance anymore, but still I continue to pour my love and what is left of my soul out to you.

I continue to write to you as if you are reading and care.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I continue to write to you is it making letting go of you harder? Or is writing to you my way of ‘letting you go’?

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do so I will just continue to write you out of my soul like I have been.

I will continue to let you slowly leave my life through my writings while I search for myself at the same time.

I know someday I too will be like you and have a new love to write about/love/fuck/kiss/hold/want/need. Someday I will not wake up feeling like I can’t catch my breath with the heaviest ache in my soul you could ever imagine. I mean seriously? Do I have to still feel like I am so lost without you after all this time? Do you think I want to feel this misery? Do you think I don’t wish every second of every day that I could walk away from any and everything US and not look back like you have? Of course I don’t want to hurt and love and want and need someone who doesn’t care about me or want me or love me or need me. I don’t think anyone ever wants that.

But that is what I am stuck with.

An undying love.

I am so scared for when this love does truly die out because I know I will never find something like it.

And that terrifies me more than not feeling anything ever again.

What if I gave you all the love I have and I don’t ever find it again?

What happens then?

What do you care? You’re in love. You’re not lonely and hurting and wondering what you could have done differently. You’re not questioning why the one time you truly believed in love how it could have ended this way. You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night begging for darkness, no dreams because you are always in them and they quickly turn to nightmares.

No. That’s not how you spend your time at all.

You spend it with someone new. Telling them all the amazing things you used to tell me. That’s one of the hardest things about all of this. I know exactly what youre fucking saying and doing with her… because you spent the last 3 years doing the exact fucking same thing to me!!!

Why did I fall for it?

Why did my soul choose you to be forever?

Fucking fuck.

I started this days ago… I’m just now barely able to post it. I’m always just barely breathing.

life moves on

I can’t breathe. I’m writing to try to survive. I am stupid. I was super weak this morning. I am sorry. I have spent over a year now on very little sleep. I looked you up on Facebook. I haven’t in so long. I didn’t even know what I would be able to see since we aren’t ‘friends’ anymore. I was able to see more than I wish I had. I can’t believe you posted a song that has been haunting me for days. You posted it days after it had made it’s presence known over here. I posted it before even thinking about ‘looking for you’.

The breath stealer/heart wrencher/soul crusher? In case all of that isn’t fucking enough. I was also able to see how lovey dovey you and her are. I was able to witness the ‘love’ you guys have. I had to rush to the bathroom to puke. Literally. I have first hand proof that I don’t exist in your world anymore. I am barely a distant memory to you. Everything I gave you was for fucking nothing because you are over and done with any and everything me. I have memories haunting my every move. You exist in almost everything I do.

I have to stop it.

I have to find a way to get rid of you.

Writing to you here is not helping. I have to stop.

I have made a new blog. A blog where US doesn’t exist. The only US that does exist there are tiny little bits and pieces of what once was.

I have to let you go.

I can’t continue to come running to you, even if it’s only in writing, if I want to move on. I don’t feel right even thinking about writing about someone else here and I know that at some point I will have a ‘someone’ else to write about. I mean there has to be more to my story than just US. My story can’t end here. Right? You were just a chapter in my book of life. I thought you were ‘the book’ but I realize now you were simply a few very important chapters to my book as a whole, not my whole book. Silly girl. How easily it was to not see the whole picture until it was too late. Perhaps had I looked at our story in other ways the outcome would be different but it doesn’t matter now.

I guess the story of US has finally come to an end.

It sickens me.

It makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I can’t breathe and don’t think I really want to anymore.

I miss loving you so much already. I missed loving you before. I will miss loving you for always.

I’m so sorry that this is the way that our story ended. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize sooner the mess we were becoming.

I’m not sorry for loving you.

I will never be sorry for that.

Loving you was one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope someone else will be able to love you even better than I was able to someday.

I hope that no matter what at the end of the day you are the man your mom would be proud of and that you show Little Man how to be that man.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

I’m broken, and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away… Save me.

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I can’t get you out of my head.

The thoughts of what we had won’t leave.

I can hear your whispers.

I feel the loss of you more than I have in a very long time.

The tears won’t stop.

My heart won’t stop racing.

I can’t breathe.

You are gone.

You and I will never be.

It doesn’t matter how many sleepless nights I spend begging for you. You are never going to show up.

How can I still hurt like you left yesterday even after all this time?

How can you not miss me?

Ugh…

Why am I doing this?

When will the hurt of losing you go away?

Will it ever?

How could you get over it so fast?

What am I doing wrong?

Fuck.

Only know your lover when you let her go… And you let her go.

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I feel like missing you tonight.

I feel like putting on Our playlist and letting the tears for you flow. Because I miss you. I miss so fucking much about you. I miss how you were so good at pretending you cared about me. You were so good at making me feel so much fucking love it was overwhelming at times.

So how in the fuck are you gone?!?!?!?!

The only thing I can wonder is if you are doing and saying the exact same things to her?

Do you call her Princess or Beautiful?!?! Or worse fucking yet Pretty Eyes? That one makes me puke in my mouth if you call her that.

Do you vow to be her everything?

Do you stay up late telling her she’s on your mind?

Do you remember spending the last 4 years doing and telling me the same. DOes she know that you did all those things and so many fucking more with me?

I’m trying to remind myself that it doesnt matter. That you doing all those things with her only solidifies that I was right when I said that you were fake with me and that you are being just as fake with her.

I sometimes find sick comfort in the fact that she has a boyfriend and is half your age. I bet she has to ask her mom if she can come over to spend the night or if she can come over at all. Oh thanks for that I needed a little giggle to stop the tears that were falling.

I can only find comfort in the fact that moving on and letting go of you and all of the phony that was US, and only take the good away, is the best thing for me.

I will never be able to move on if I continue to hold any sort of feeling for you good or bad. And I need to. It has been over a year now since you left and I have pushed away anybody who tried to get close, don’t get me wrong there wasn’t any huge line but there were a few. Thankfully one of them is not letting me him away no matter how hard I’ve tried and I need to stop trying. I want to stop trying. I want to just quit putting up the fight and let whatever be. But I can’t. Well I couldn’t until now I think.

Anyways whatever that is doesn’t belong here I was simply stating that I have finally fully let you go like you have me. It has taken more moons than I would like to admit but the moon has come. You are no longer mine. I officially let you go. I wish more than anything that with those words came more than just this terrible deep ache in my soul but they don’t. I don’t feel any different. I was hoping all of the hurt and ugly would be gone but I guess I will forever carry that. I will forever miss you. I will always love you from the very depths of my soul. Nothing or anyone will ever compare to what we made. I will spend forever stopping myself from thinking of you but I will always wish you well. I’m sorry that this is how we ended. I’m sorry that we weren’t strong enough to actually be there for each other in the end. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to even salvage a friendship out of US. I think that might hurt the most… you didn’t even care about me enough to be friends.

I have to stop.

I have to let you go.

But I never will. I will carry the love I have for you forever. I will find a way to live with the hurt from the loss of you.

I’m sorry.

Fuck the pain away… my new motto.

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I’m determined to let go. You’re my past and I need to accept that. It’s hard. It’s miserable.

It just might kill me…

But at least I can find ways to numb the hurt.

Only a lifetime to go.