I wrote this to Moon December 21st, 2014… it’s only taken a year to post it.

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I have these moments of pure disgust for you and the way that you have so many times disregarded my feelings.

An anger that is indescribable builds inside and it makes my stomach turn and my skin tingle when I think about how I know that you still use the same lips that try to convince me of how much you love me to try to convince your new girl of exactly the same things with most likely the same lines…

Maybe you were right when you said that I will never be able to let the past about her go… but do you know why?

Because you have never once let her go.

You have lied to me, most definitely her, and everyone else.

You are pathetic with the way you try to use the love that I have for you to your advantage. You come to me when your little pet is out with people and friends her own age but run right back to her if she shows you any sign of attention.

I am even more pathetic for giving you an outlet.

I won’t any longer.

Next time you are so intoxicated that you can hardly send a coherent text, your dick is raging, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself… Call her(Oh wait.. I’m sure you did but she was not available to you) tell her how you want to end it all and how you have fucked up and feel so terrible. How nothing is worth it and blah fucking blah blah blah…

Because the reason why you want to give up has nothing to do with the fact that you lost me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you know your little band-aid isn’t a permanent fix, or a permanent ANYTHING, but you’re so fucking addicted to her it’s become sickening.

But I’ll be the hater and the bitch and the whatever the fuck else you want me to be.

And just like that the anger and hurt has taken over and replaced any good that I have felt with you.

It’s so easy to hold on to the hurt and anger. It’s so easy to become lost in it and let it take over. It’s too easy to sit back and let the anger flow from my soul through my fingertips at lightening fast speed and replace all the longing I have for you with dislike. If I hold on to all this bad then I can’t focus on how much I hurt from all the great that you made me feel.

And do you think after all of this that I hate you?

No fucking way…

I hate myself.

More than I could ever hate another being… almost as much as I hate the love that you have for Her… almost.

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I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror anymore without thinking about how much you said you loved them… Or was that a lie too?

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I have more unfinished posts than I’d like to admit but so many of the recent ones are full of anger and sorrow that I don’t want to post them. Maybe I will at some point compile them into one post but that would require me to read them a bit and I don’t read after I write and the few times I have read I don’t even remember writing the words but I can almost always remember the feelings…. sidetracked.

I think where I was going with this is that even though there are times when I am filled with so much dislike and anger for you, but then… then there are times when there isn’t enough anger or dislike in the world to mask the hurt and sadness I feel from the loss of you, like now. I am so sad thinking about how I was stupid to even think that there was a possibility of you really being the man I fell in love with. I knew then and I know now that’s never going to be a possibility. Does that stop or lessen the hurt or longing for you? Not one bit. I don’t know if anything ever will.

I have been thinking about so much again when it comes to you and I, love, relationships, soul mates, and everyfuckingthing else, I have enough time since I don’t sleep anymore, I thought I had gotten past this. I thought I was beyond all of the panic attacks, night terrors, screaming/crying, and all of the other darkness that comes with the loss of you but since you decided to come in and treat me worse than before I have regressed more than I’d like to admit. I have been clingy, weak, and pathetic. I am not proud to admit that I had to stop myself from sending texts, although I’m sure you wouldn’t call that stopping myself… trust me when I say I did, I could have text you a novel, several times over, but I didn’t so I consider that stopping myself. It took me a bit to realize that I was begging for your love again, you had given me just enough attention to suck me back in, you turned on just enough charm and knew all the right things to say (why wouldn’t you though since I ou have spent the last 3 years baring my soul to you) and the flirty little words to whisper. And I fell for it. For every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I had my doubts of course, but I could only remember the good in you at that time and all the good I was kinda feeling at the time won out.

Plus I didn’t want to let myself think that there was anyway that you would do the same thing to me again. I mean, there was no reason to. We weren’t together, you had left me for another chick, I knew about her, there was no fucking reason for you to lie to me about anything. And yet you still did. Even after I gave you every opportunity to be honest you chose to continue to be fake and lie and say that you were over her and hadn’t talked in weeks, you realized how much you missed me, you wished you could have me back, I told you how broken I was, I told you how there was no need for false promises or fake words because I had no wants, the baby’s and I love you’s that you were throwing out were only welcomed if they were true and from the heart and yet you still continued, the only thing I asked of you over and over was to not hurt me, to not fill me full of empty promises, please don’t hurt me… you cried to me and promised. You begged me to make love with you.. why? why would you come back only to break me more? Did you really think that I would survive you turning your back on me again? Or is it that you truly don’t care about me?

You get so mad when I question your love for me. You get pissed off and angry that I would ever doubt that what you said was true but then you do things like this to me. You act like I’m nothing. You forget that I’m a person, with a real soul. I might just be a video call to you but I truly exist. I am as real as she is and if you wouldn’t treat her like this then you shouldn’t treat me like this because I am no less important on this earth than she is. You don’t have to love me, I understand that the soul loves who it loves, I don’t fault you for that, it’s the way you treat me that is wrong. Don’t love me, don’t ever think about me again that is fine but don’t knowingly do hurtful things to me. I deserve better than that, any person does.

I had to take a break from writing for a bit and just reset before I let myself get too carried away down the path of darkness. I realized that the only person that is hurting from this is me and I am choosing to not give you that much power over me anymore.

I have spent my fair share time thinking of how I could get my revenge on you, how could I hurt you the most? After many hours I have finally realized that the best revenge I could ever get on you… is to find my happy again, find the me that I was when I was most in love with you and try to be her again. I will allow myself to be broken/hurt/sad and whatever else I need to deal with the loss of you but then I need to let you go, forever, and then allow myself to heal. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the love that I thought I shared with you, I need to accept that I am capable of loving someone else with the same depth of love that I had for you because just because it wasn’t good enough for that doesn’t mean that it won’t be good enough for someone else. I need to stop comparing everything to you, I need to stop trying to compete with the love that I thought you had for me and realize that there is a beautiful love story waiting to be written for me, I just need to be ready to write it. And I’m not yet. But I can be. I will be.

Someday my fairytale will begin, my soul will heal and there will be a new cast of characters that will somehow not include you.

But you see… that is the hardest thing for me to accept.. how the fuck does my story not include you?!?!

You were supposed to be my life so how are you not a part of my story?

I knew I never should have answered those texts from you that lonely night in November… Look where it got me now? Again…

silly girl he doesnt care

My mind has been racing trying to understand why you would do this to me again?

I allowed you to break me again… I don’t know why I am so stupid when it comes to you. You use my love for you and yet there are no consequences because I’m sure you lie if anyone ever asks about me or pretend I don’t exist at all.

I mean, I know why you would every possible scenario has run through my head from you and ‘her’ were not speaking, she was ignoring you, she was hanging out with her boyfriend (that one makes me giggle, she has a fucking boyfriend, lol), you were feeling down and out, you maybe actually missed me, you were drunk (which you were one night but what is your excuse for the sober text/calls/you know..?), you really meant it when you spent years begging me to believe in your forever love, any so many else…

I get all the reasons as to why you would call and want to spend time with me, what I don’t get is why beg to hold me? Why express such sadness and loss for our love, why try to convince me to forgive you, why call me in the morning, why end our conversations with I love you, why tell me how you haven’t spoke to her in a long time and realized how much you need me, why ask me about how much I missed you, why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Do you truly want to see how far I go before I break? How far is too far for you?

Do you think you’re the only who thinks about ending it?

Do you think you are the only one who doesn’t beg for an end to the eternal pain?

Do you not know that every fucking breath I have taken since that night in July has felt like daggers down in lungs?

Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent begging for the darkness to take me so that I don’t have to wake up and face another day without the one who promised me forever?

Do you care that after 6 fucking months of waking up screaming for you I had finally slept a few dreamless nights without you, finally, but after your nights of loving and holding me I haven’t slept at all?

Do you care that I have spent years of my life falling in love with you and have only had months to get used to the idea that 1. You don’t want that love anymore 2. You are already in love with someone else, who you apparently forgot to tell her that I even existed 3. Had fallen in love with said person while (and you were working together, who btw is half your age, has a boyfriend, lives hours away at college, and as of a few days ago was nothing to you just like the years that we spent together are nothing now) you were still trying to convince me that you were in love with me 4 when you got caught you immediately acted like our love was nothing an I was a crazy axe murdering ex 5. you broke my fucking soul 6. I have a lifetime to live without you.

I have been trying to process all of that and have done an okay job because I am still fucking here alive and, barely, breathing. I have had moments of darkness that I won’t even write here because I don’t want to remember them, I have had moments of weakness and heartache that has brought me to my knees, I have cried until I literally have nothing to cry- no voice, no tears, no strength, I have begged to gods that I don’t even know if I believe in, but never once did I think I would do all of this for you to come in and play your game for a few weeks, spew some lies, break some more promises, and take the tiny bit of light that I had left and then turn your back on me and go back to her…

Never did I think that.

And that is all I can assume btw… Is that for some reason you and her were having a ‘moment’ and you came to me because you were lonely and horny and you knew that my love was a sure thing…

You disgust me.

The way that you use my love and lie to and about me, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I loved you. I thought we were going to spend forever together. I was willing to give up things and sacrifice things I never thought I would because I believed in a love you lie and diminish to nothing. I was going to do all of these things and so much more for you, for someone who would treat me the way you did that terrible night in July only to come back months later profess love, whisper promises, make love, and then leave with a ‘it went too far’….

Did you know that everyfuckingtime you say you love me I believe you?

Do you know that everyfuckingtime I say it I mean it? EVERYTIME!!

Do you care how long it took me to come the little bit that I have without you only for you to swoop in for a few days to mind fuck me and then leave with nothing.. well nothing but a text saying, I just wanted to say hi I’m sorry it went to far…

What the fuck does that even mean?

You wanted to say hi but you took it too far by weeks?

Does that really mean that someone called you out on talking to me again?

Did you lie about me again? Did you say that I am nothing and no one, that we barely talk and sometimes text? But do you tell them when we do text and talk it’s because you contact me, and the things you say are only things you would say and do with a lover? Do you take any accountabilty for the love you supposedly have for me?

I didn’t think so.

But if you can put on this act that you were so madly in love with me for so many years I’m pretty sure you can convince some teenager that you’re love is everlasting and you are nothing but faithful and you can’t live without her and you would give up so much for her and because of her.

I wonder if when she denies you she gets the texts and voicemails about how you are going to end it, how you have the ‘tools’ ready? Because the few times you thought I was denying or I actually did you were quick to send how you nothing was worth it and you were ready to end it. Why would you do that to me?

Do you mind fuck her the way you do me?

Or do you just straight out lie to her?

I will never get the answers to my questions….and even if I do all the answers you give are LIES.

What doesn’t kill you… Makes you want to fucking die.

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I had this whole post I was going to write. I was going to pour my soul out but then I remembered that it doesn’t matter anymore. I remembered that you didn’t shed a tear. Oh, a few drops of baby juice maybe seeing as how you refused to put your dick down, but not a single fucking tear. Nice btw.

I basically broke up with you.

And you continued to jack off… Wow.

Thanks for that one.

I don’t know that you have ever made me feel less loved than you did today.

But hey, you got off so I’m sure you had a great fucking day.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck… I’m going back to bed and hiding.

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As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.

It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).

I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.

And it’s not going to be you. Or US.

And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.

I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:

Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.

I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.

After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.

You suck.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…

Hurting so bad you feel nothing… A nightly ritual around here.

I have tried to write to you for an hour now. I don’t have anything for you. I don’t think you deserve anything more from me. I have spent enough time chasing someone who wants nothing to do with me. I won’t do it again.

I’m no longer sorry…