I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

No title again… Writing took all I had tonight, and I don’t have much.

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I haven’t been feeling good things about you lately. . I chalked it up to me moving through the stages of grief and thought that any moment the pain and love would rush back in and hit me… but that hasn’t happened.

Yet.

Will it?

I honestly don’t think it will.

I have accepted so much lately, about US/me/life.

I have finally accepted you and I will never be again.

I am sad.

It hurts.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees.

I took a shower tonight and didn’t cry for you.

I had a ‘moment’ the other day and you were not the first person I thought to run to, I didn’t even think of you at all actually.

I know now that the love that I had for you will always remain but it will not rule my life any longer. I won’t sit back and watch life, and you, pass me by.

I am going to grasp life and live it to the fullest.

I am going to do things that I have been scared to in the past.

I am not going to let the love that I had for you ruin the love that I have left to give.

I’m sad that you won’t be around to see or feel any of the love/life that is going to happen. I truly thought you were going to always be there for me. I never would have imagined a life without you. I always thought if anything were to ever happen to US it would be something out of our control but we would still always be a part of each others lives and support one and other.

I guess I am more sad by the fact that you don’t care about me more than the fact that you didn’t love me.

But I get to sleep peaceful at night, finally, knowing that everything I ever give/said/did/felt/meant for US was 100% real/honest/true and most importantly for you and only you; never did I give someone something that was meant for you. I have, and never will, share the tiny things between you and I that mean more than world to US but would mean nothing to anyone else (ex: Rawr, queen of the damned, moon, dorkfish, pretty eyes, pumpkin, T-Swift songs that meant things to you and I, sayings we only said to each other… you get the idea I’m sure).

But can you say the same?

I don’t think you can.

Actually.. I know you can’t.

Because you have already done and said so many things that were untrue or false to both her and I.

But I am not here to bring up hurt feelings about how much of US you gave to her with complete disregard to how it would break me, I am here to remind myself to let it go. I need to keep reminding myself that I am okay without you and I will only continue to get better.

Rawr… for old times sakes.

I knew I never should have answered those texts from you that lonely night in November… Look where it got me now? Again…

silly girl he doesnt care

My mind has been racing trying to understand why you would do this to me again?

I allowed you to break me again… I don’t know why I am so stupid when it comes to you. You use my love for you and yet there are no consequences because I’m sure you lie if anyone ever asks about me or pretend I don’t exist at all.

I mean, I know why you would every possible scenario has run through my head from you and ‘her’ were not speaking, she was ignoring you, she was hanging out with her boyfriend (that one makes me giggle, she has a fucking boyfriend, lol), you were feeling down and out, you maybe actually missed me, you were drunk (which you were one night but what is your excuse for the sober text/calls/you know..?), you really meant it when you spent years begging me to believe in your forever love, any so many else…

I get all the reasons as to why you would call and want to spend time with me, what I don’t get is why beg to hold me? Why express such sadness and loss for our love, why try to convince me to forgive you, why call me in the morning, why end our conversations with I love you, why tell me how you haven’t spoke to her in a long time and realized how much you need me, why ask me about how much I missed you, why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Do you truly want to see how far I go before I break? How far is too far for you?

Do you think you’re the only who thinks about ending it?

Do you think you are the only one who doesn’t beg for an end to the eternal pain?

Do you not know that every fucking breath I have taken since that night in July has felt like daggers down in lungs?

Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent begging for the darkness to take me so that I don’t have to wake up and face another day without the one who promised me forever?

Do you care that after 6 fucking months of waking up screaming for you I had finally slept a few dreamless nights without you, finally, but after your nights of loving and holding me I haven’t slept at all?

Do you care that I have spent years of my life falling in love with you and have only had months to get used to the idea that 1. You don’t want that love anymore 2. You are already in love with someone else, who you apparently forgot to tell her that I even existed 3. Had fallen in love with said person while (and you were working together, who btw is half your age, has a boyfriend, lives hours away at college, and as of a few days ago was nothing to you just like the years that we spent together are nothing now) you were still trying to convince me that you were in love with me 4 when you got caught you immediately acted like our love was nothing an I was a crazy axe murdering ex 5. you broke my fucking soul 6. I have a lifetime to live without you.

I have been trying to process all of that and have done an okay job because I am still fucking here alive and, barely, breathing. I have had moments of darkness that I won’t even write here because I don’t want to remember them, I have had moments of weakness and heartache that has brought me to my knees, I have cried until I literally have nothing to cry- no voice, no tears, no strength, I have begged to gods that I don’t even know if I believe in, but never once did I think I would do all of this for you to come in and play your game for a few weeks, spew some lies, break some more promises, and take the tiny bit of light that I had left and then turn your back on me and go back to her…

Never did I think that.

And that is all I can assume btw… Is that for some reason you and her were having a ‘moment’ and you came to me because you were lonely and horny and you knew that my love was a sure thing…

You disgust me.

The way that you use my love and lie to and about me, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I loved you. I thought we were going to spend forever together. I was willing to give up things and sacrifice things I never thought I would because I believed in a love you lie and diminish to nothing. I was going to do all of these things and so much more for you, for someone who would treat me the way you did that terrible night in July only to come back months later profess love, whisper promises, make love, and then leave with a ‘it went too far’….

Did you know that everyfuckingtime you say you love me I believe you?

Do you know that everyfuckingtime I say it I mean it? EVERYTIME!!

Do you care how long it took me to come the little bit that I have without you only for you to swoop in for a few days to mind fuck me and then leave with nothing.. well nothing but a text saying, I just wanted to say hi I’m sorry it went to far…

What the fuck does that even mean?

You wanted to say hi but you took it too far by weeks?

Does that really mean that someone called you out on talking to me again?

Did you lie about me again? Did you say that I am nothing and no one, that we barely talk and sometimes text? But do you tell them when we do text and talk it’s because you contact me, and the things you say are only things you would say and do with a lover? Do you take any accountabilty for the love you supposedly have for me?

I didn’t think so.

But if you can put on this act that you were so madly in love with me for so many years I’m pretty sure you can convince some teenager that you’re love is everlasting and you are nothing but faithful and you can’t live without her and you would give up so much for her and because of her.

I wonder if when she denies you she gets the texts and voicemails about how you are going to end it, how you have the ‘tools’ ready? Because the few times you thought I was denying or I actually did you were quick to send how you nothing was worth it and you were ready to end it. Why would you do that to me?

Do you mind fuck her the way you do me?

Or do you just straight out lie to her?

I will never get the answers to my questions….and even if I do all the answers you give are LIES.

I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

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I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…

You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

Oops I forgot to mention the $300 airfare I bought… that you promised you’d never waste. And I don’t have the strength to look for a pic quote, imagine something dead and or dying.

I’m dead.

You don’t care.

I want to hate you.

I hate me.

I hate ever believing or trusting you.

I hate that not only did I give you my heart I gave you my soul.

My sister saved me tonight.

I sent out an s.o.s. and she was here in under fifteen minutes.

She had to pick me up off the floor, literally.

She listened with tears in her eyes as I cried my broken soul out to her.

She stayed with me for hours.

She tried to make me laugh. She tried to help me understand how you could be so heartless? She was angry at you with me. She wanted to kick and punch you with me. She wants you to hurt like me. She tried to make me believe that you do care about me. She tried to help me accept that you and I had to be dead. She took care of my littles when I couldn’t even lift my head up due to sobbing uncontrollably. She comforted me. She loved me. She did everything a sister would and could do.

But it doesn’t stop the ache in soul.

It doesn’t take away the hurt from losing you.

It doesn’t make letting go of a forever that we had planned any easier.

I took the time tonight to delete, almost, everything from you on my phone. I died each time I clicked remove. I die each breath I take with the realization that there will never be a you and I. I believe it now. I can feel that you at truly gone. You have been for sometime now, but I finally feel the loss of you from me.

I feel empty.

More empty than you could ever imagine.

And it’s terrifying.

I lost my soul mate and love and reason of my being to a 18 year old kid…

I want to die.

Seriously.

I’m done.

I have nothing to give.

You left me thru Facebook messages with your new girlfriend and text.

Classy.

Way to treat a lady.

The worst part off it all…

I didn’t even try to reach out to you all night begging you to be with and love me.

Usually I’d be blowing you up and going crazy but tonight I am typing this on my cellphone. Hands shaking. Head aching. Stomach churning. Mind racing. Heart breaking.

And I haven’t contacted you once.

Not even after she messaged me on Facebook again to tell me how you’re telling her everything I say about her and blah blah blah…

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Everything from you was fake.

I loved you for nothing.

I was thinking again about deleting this blog but I want to keep it here because it is and always has been the realest and truest love story I’ve ever imagined.

And even tho your love was not real every ounce of mine has been.

Someday you might wonder if a love that was ever lasting did exist.

I want you and anybody else to know that it does.

I’m so ashamed of myself.

I want to die.

I’m already dead.

You really did get the ultimate fuck you to me…

What doesn’t kill you… Makes you want to fucking die.

silly girl he doesnt care

I had this whole post I was going to write. I was going to pour my soul out but then I remembered that it doesn’t matter anymore. I remembered that you didn’t shed a tear. Oh, a few drops of baby juice maybe seeing as how you refused to put your dick down, but not a single fucking tear. Nice btw.

I basically broke up with you.

And you continued to jack off… Wow.

Thanks for that one.

I don’t know that you have ever made me feel less loved than you did today.

But hey, you got off so I’m sure you had a great fucking day.

Soul broken….

soon forget color of you eyes

 

 

What a terribly sad day this will be…

Fuck you, you fucking fuck… I’m going back to bed and hiding.

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As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.

It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).

I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.

And it’s not going to be you. Or US.

And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.

I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:

Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.

I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.

After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.

You suck.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…

Seems like I only post on the weekends… When you forget I exist. Asshole.

sad soul

I’m making myself put on some T-Swizzle and try to get this crazy I have out but I don’t know if it is going to work or not. I don’t have my headset, I left it in the car so that I wouldn’t be tempted to call/answer and fall into US in the wee hours of the night, and the music can’t really blast the way I need it too at these hours. I might break down and go get them but will see.

I’m serious with what I text you earlier. I have spent, too much, time looking for aps to block you from contacting me. I haven’t had much luck short of changing my number and with all the hassle of that it makes it pretty much not an option. Plus I’m pretty much kidding myself into thinking you are going to attempt to contact me again. I mean at some point you have to get tired of your pretending, because that is really what you are doing, and just move the fuck on.

So move on already.

And stay gone this time. Don’t come back with some piss ass story about how you love me and can’t live without me and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… I have heard it all before.

 I’m sure you have said it all before. I’m sure you’re fucking saying it to someone else too. I mean seriously, who am I fucking trying to kid, there is no fucking way that you are not still trying to fuck that bitch, or some other bitch.

And whenever I bring up any of these insecurities that I have, that you gave me, you act like it is such a fucking surprise. Like, whoa, where could I possibly be coming up with these ideas that you lie to me; when you literally get caught telling some of the fucking dumbest lies, just days before.

As much as I truly enjoy telling you the fuck off I don’t intend to spend any more of my energy on someone who only cares part time.

I’ve already got there here full time. Remember.

How many times do you really think that I am going to accept your I’m sorry’s?

I don’t have anything nice or good to say to tonight so I’m not going to try.