I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

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Sunday Scatterbrain… You might just want to skip this one.

dont know what we talk about

Should I write now? I am trying to decide if that is a good idea or not. I’m pretty much just going to let my fingers do the flying and see what comes out.

We just hung up. And you already sent a text.

And I have no idea how to process that.

Are you spending so much of your time with me today because of all the crying and complaining I did over your absence Friday night? Or, do you really want to spend your time with me?

Does it even matter the ‘why’ to our time together when all I can keep thinking about is how rested and good I feel? I don’t think you know what its like to live with someone who makes you feel unloved, unwanted, and worthless. That’s my life. I live someplace where I’m not acknowledged, not in a good way. The only time I feel loved is when I’m with you.

I just wished I believed in the love you made me feel…

I don’t think I ever will.

I’m sorry. Too much crazy right now. I’m not making any sense.  

I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Today sucks, and I’ve only been up for a few hours… I can hardly wait for the rest of the day.

Today is one of those days. The kind of day where I don’t want to get out of bed but the thought of being left alone with my thoughts is enough to get me rushing out  of bed.

I was weak again today. I called you as soon as I could muster up enough energy to get my head off the pillow. You were busy. You are always busy. I feel like I am interrupting you all the time now. It is a horrible feeling. Maybe it would have been best if none of this ever happened.

I’m sure you wish the same.